Gotta Love Tim Vine
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:49, 9 replies)

Tim Vine?
That's Tommy Cooper in full.
(rockdoctor, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:52, closed)

No.
It's deffo Tim Vine.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:04, closed)

One lives and learns
Not that I necessarily trust it, but the relevant Wikipedia articles seem to back this up. Same style as Tommy Cooper, but different gags.
I stand corrected.
(rockdoctor, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:01, closed)

yep
that's Tommy Cooper alright.
(nonstopdancer, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:08, closed)

nope
deffo Tim Vine
(djgalaxe, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:37, closed)

It looks like...
Tim Vine doing a Tommy Cooper impression.
(Uncle Jumbo will strip for pocket change (and/or Gin), Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:04, closed)

Most of them
are definitely Tommy Cooper jokes.
(spiney_norman, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:38, closed)

www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners
(slotbadger, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:47, closed)

Deffo Tim Vine
I've got the DVD (how sad is that)

Glad to see someone else likes his stuff too.
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:32, closed)