[pearoast] To the lovely ladies of b3ta
This is a pearoast of a post I posted to QOTW (Darwin Awards) on Valentine's day. Enjoy.

------------------------------------------------

We interrupt this QOTW to bring you a special Valentine's bulletin.

I'm bored at work. I am completely underwhelmed. I want to leave! Wander lust is taking over my mind, and I feel like I can walk all the way from Brixton to Brussels.

The situation stinks. I'm in love with someone. I'd really like to root her between the boobs. When thinking of her, I unleash buckets of jizz from my creamy ankh-shaped genitals followed by the wee which cleans out my urethra. But because I'm such a big girl's blouse, I chicken out at every opportunity. But really, it stinks! The smell reminds me of my teenage years when I joined a gang who would rebel against society by shitting their pants (they were known as the 'pants cackers'). But secretly, I found it too much, so I would discretely give my self several arse-wipes. It's like I'm living in a bin! As if my nose is pressed next to a seal's bum and I think "This seal end reeks!".

But I have to look at myself and think "Am I a pussy or a vampire?". I really need to man up and badger myself to flirt using the correct grammar.

I'm badly addicted to her. I see her as the empress of my heart (AKA Madam the Fluffy Grandmistress) who can't get in because she forgot her password. Thinking of her gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I imagine myself being as happy as a little tulip. But the reality is very different.

Until then, I'll be crying so much that I'll have to be locked up in the loony bin. For me, there will be a special ward reserved for me - The dire whiner ward.


Apologies? Lengthy.


_{Previously...}
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 8:57, 9 replies)

Original
Is here.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 8:58, closed)

This
is just scary.
(username1, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 9:47, closed)

not funny
just disturbing.
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 11:10, closed)

Can I have
references to my name removed from it please, on the basis that it makes me feel violated?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 11:45, closed)

And
he can't even spell ceilidh!
(username1, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:10, closed)

It's been deleted now
My apologies.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 19:43, closed)

Oh Spakka...
...the line was about half a mile back that way.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 10 Mar 2009, 17:22, closed)

That's odd
When I originally posted this, the response was mostly positive, but when I pearoasted it here, the reaction was negative.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 19:44, closed)

And before anyone asks
No, there are no hidden messages.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 19:47, closed)