Ghosts
Simple really. Have you ever seen a ghost?

Ok, here is mine, bit long winded but I’ll tell it anyway.

My parents old house where we grew up was a very strange place. It was a big 5 bedroom place and a very weird design, really long hallways and it always looked like it was going to fall down.

Anyway, my bro (aged about 5 at this point) would always be laughing and crying with laughter as soon as he went to bed every night, this went on for weeks and everytime one of my parents walked into his room he would stop laughing and pretend to sleep. He would never say what was making him laugh so much, and I mean this went on all night until about 4ish when he would then fall asleep.

Then one night (which turned out to be our last in the house) he was really laughing and going completely nuts in his room, I walked in to see what he was doing (I was about 10 I reckon) and he stopped and started screaming about his “friend” He then told me that he was laughing at the children playing by the window, now there was f**k all by the window so I got spooked, he then said they were climbing up the bed to him and was laughing away again. I got out of there and ran down to mum & dad, dad came up with me and walked into his room and I followed. Bearing in mind this was pretty “normal” now so dad was just telling him to calm down etc etc. He then looked at me (I was over by the window) and just went completely white and staring into the top corner of the room. He slowly walked over to me picked me up and my younger bro and bolted out the room.

We went to our grans that night and never went back. Well us kids didn’t, I guess they did to pack, it was sold within a few weeks as it was going cheap (no sh*t) and we moved into a B&B whilst getting a new home.

My younger bro never had anymore laughing fits and doesn’t remember anything about it, my dad has never said what he saw and I don’t think I want to know.

I think it was about a year after we left that the house collapsed one night. It was a very strange place and ive got chills now just thinking about it.

Im not sure I believe in ghosts or anything as I didn’t see anything but I know it really scared my mum & dad who just refuse to talk about it.
(Lanceuppercut, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 5:47, Reply)

i got rid of them by...
reminded by Enzyme's grandad's brick - how do you get rid of those unwanted cold callers?
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:55, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Quitting
why have you quit, given up, thrown int he towel, got he fuck out of dodge?

Was it fags, cyber porn, drugs, cult, of life itself.

Stories about quitting or trying to quit plz.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 10:56, Reply)

Banks?
In the news this week. My bank has recently decided that I am worth £5K of credit limit less, even though it only increased it last month to cover my (always paid on time) expenditure.

What great things has a bank done to you?
(Outtheresomewhere, Sun 17 Feb 2008, 19:54, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

That goes in your mouth?
Tuna salad made with maple syrup instead of mayo, quesadias made with cheerios instead of salsa, yogurt on ham and swiss on french toast, what apprently unappetising or just plain retarded sounding recipe do you have that is actually really delicious?
( hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Sat 16 Feb 2008, 20:28, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Improve films with a little change
Amusing film star substitutions using people with similar names. After watching The Golden Compass last week, I mused on how it would have been improved by replacing Ian McKellan with Ian McGaskill (the weatherman). The same is true for Lord of the Rings - it could have been good had Gandalf the wizard been played by Ian McGaskill.

Keith Harris in a Knights Tale, Michael Douglas as The Joker in Batman. You get the picture. I'm sure readers can get some great swaps.
(mbridgens, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 19:41, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Worst experience as a customer - and what you've done about it
We've all had particularly bad experiences, some amusing and others not - either way we can do them some harm until they improve. Chances are it will have involved some inbred in a call centre where they're unable to read the letters you send them. This could be that they don't read them or that they're too stupid. My personal bugbear is Npower, bunch of useless, addition-disabled, phone monkeys whose letter openers have seemingly been removed for health and safety reasons. I'm not going to say what I've been doing as it's ongoing, but it's all legal - that's the best bit. I'd like some ideas though and for you to all avoid dealing with them. They owe me over a thousand pounds.
(mbridgens, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 19:35, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Suck it up, buttercups!
What lengths have you gone to in order to get something finished? What's your "motivational ethos"? When there's something really important to do, and you can't be arsed, and your cronies can't be arsed, and your hired henchmen can't be arsed, and even your right-hand man can't be arsed, what do you do?

Show me your inner management consultant. You cunts.
( spacefish bong!, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 20:37, Reply)

Opps your not who I think you are, and I'm talking to a complete stranger
Have you ever done that utmost of embarrassing thing of seeing someone, start talking to them then all of a sudden realise its not who you thought it was?

I was once out with my brother and we went to the local nudges Arcade). He fucked off to play mortal combat, so I wasted money on the Simpons fruit machine. After about 3 goes I on the Jack pot, probably a tenner? Any way I ran off to find my brother who sure enough was playing Mortal combat, I jumped on his back and shouted ''Golden pennies!'' on jumping down I turned to see my brother playing Street fighter 2 across the way, this bloke who ever he was playing MK had the same coat on as my brother, as he turned round I shouted ''golden pennies'' again and ran...ran like a fucking spider zoid!

On the recieving end... A mate and my self were sat in his loverly white escort in a large car park (nice) waiting for another friend. When the back door opened and some old woman starts slinging in her shopping and saying what a nightmare the tills were, she then gets in and sits down, and then looks at me and my mate, we turned stunned looking at her... I could see the thoughts running through her head ''my god these young ruffians have killed my husband and are stealing my car!'' At which point she could see our expression of ''What the fuck are you doing in the back of our car woman'' See then turns to see her car about 3 spaces away (another white escort) with her husband sat in it reading a newspaper. We started pissing our selves laughing she removed her shopping supper quick and ran to her car exremley red in the face.

This happend to any one else?
(3:16, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 14:41, Reply)

Any QOTW is good for me.
As long as its not about Mix Tapes. :)
(Miggyman, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 10:53, Reply)

Best leave your mobile at home...
The unnecessary and extremely embarrassing drunken texts or phone calls and the aftermath...
(flash, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 3:52, Reply)

Stupid school rumours
How about this what was the worst rumour you heard at school.

One for me was that i was stuck under my duvet and couldnt get out and thats why i was off school for a few days.

Oh yeah, one about our PE teacher.

He had massive cheeks that were really droppy down his face, the rumour was he was actually born with a bollock on each cheek but they had been removed, but thats why they were so long.

He was known as Bollock chops
(Lanceuppercut, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 1:47, Reply)

The Most Deviant Sexual Act You Have Done/Requested

Ronseal

My ex once asked me to drive into town and pick her up after she had been out clubbing. I said ok but you got to let me piss on your tits


And she said yes.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 18:53, Reply)

Euphemisms
It occurred to me in these days of free and easy language how many new and exciting terms have been developed for special girl and boy places and associated functions or pastimes. Bonus points for originality and way out crypticism (I hope that's a word or I may look foolish!)

To start you off I present: Pearly population paste.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 13 Feb 2008, 15:55, Reply)

When did you start hating politicians?
As a fairly bright youngster, I was frequently invited to seminars in which groups of "delegates" would have a chance to get involved with the political process and meet local elected officials.

I remember the smug grins of people like Hazel Blears and Ian Stewart as they pretended to listen and promised us the Earth before telling the local rag that the young people of the area were little better than criminals and failing to carry out any of the initiatives they claimed to be so passionate about.

The realisation that I was being lied to just so they could get a photo opportunity still grates on my nerves...
(Psycorp603, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 15:49, Reply)

Most pointless training course....
.
I work in financial services (hey, someone has to) and every two years every single employee has to attend mandatory training sessions. Most are fairly useful - or at least you can see the sense of them - but the most patronising has to be the Fire Safety course.

Basically it's supposed to take half an hour - if you're a very slow reader it might - and you sit there being told the bleeding obvious. If there's a fire, get out. Set off the alarms on the way. End of. If you can't figure that out for yourself, you probably shouldn't be out unaccompanied anyway.

What's the most pointless training you've had inflicted on you? Even more worth telling if you were simultaneously patronised (pictures of fire extinguishers ffs!).
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 13 Feb 2008, 14:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

School rumours
might be a good one, credit to football365 forum.
(Lannes, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 14:13, Reply)

It's a leap year.
The 29th of February is traditionally the day when women can ask men to marry them: if they say no, they have to give a pair of gloves to the woman.

So, my question is this: tell us your proposal stories. There must be some good ones out there.

For my part: I found out about the "rejection equals free gloves" tradition when I was 5. Cue me running up to every single male I could find on 29th Feb that year, and proposing. Including my father, brother, teachers, postman, owner of the village shop, and an awful lot of randoms on the way to and from school. They all said no, and THEN DIDN'T GIVE ME GLOVES. Bastards.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:28, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Dreams
I once dreamt that I had to help a talking Kea get to his home in the London Underground.

An adventure followed involving a London underground station turning into a water rapids ride, a Neighbours character saving the day, and then said Neighbours character taking me to a Transylvania style castle.

What obscure, vivid, silly or just plain hilarious Dreams have you had? Have you ever had a dream you could have sworn was real? Have you had any dreams which have left you questioning your sanity (like above)?
(stubbledchin, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 15:18, Reply)

Getting away with it...
I once didn't get nicked because the distracted copper searcing me only checked one shoe, when the other shoe contained a prison-worthy stash.

What have you got away with that you really, really shouldn't have?
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 13:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Stag / Hen Night Shenanigans
Mosre than probabaly been done, but I'm a N00b so what the hell. Any hilarious/ tragic/ bizarre delete as applicable tales?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 13:08, Reply)

If you were PM
What would you make illegal? And why? What imaginative forms of punishment would you like to see meted out?

It could be anything from people shouting into their mobile phones in the street to people picking really shit QOTW subjects.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 12 Feb 2008, 12:30, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Stolen from VICE magazine
Which celebrity would you assassinate and how?
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:51, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

I've never...
Everyone's played the drinking game at some point. While playing it at uni with group of male mates, I found out something from my new girlfriend (of three weeks) that really didn’t need to find out while drinking with my mates in a busy pub. She was the only one drinking to "I've never… been raped" (and subsequently running off crying – she did drink first tho!)

So what have you found out about a loved one or friend at a rather inappropriate time?
(CornishStanley can't post hyperlinks, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:52, Reply)

Tell me a story
Why not have a question of the week where people can tell a story about anything? They can pick something interesting that happened to them and write a story about it.

Let's see people go off topic on that one!
(oeb, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways!
True burning hatred you've had for others.

I had a boss back in the mid 80's who was known as "The Red Faced Pig Fucker". He was hated with a passion through out the work place.

His screetching, piercing, high volume voice left nerves on edge and for many a willingness to be incarcerated for life to end his.

Now that was hate! Anyone else experienced such deep hatred for any real or imagined slights?
(barrycounty, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:00, Reply)

Introduce a new "Day"
Valentine's Day is coming soon, followed by Mother's Day. I think we should have a new "Day".

"Tell your boss what you think of him/her without getting the sack day"

or

"Tell the customer what you think of him/her without getting the sack day"

Either works for me.....

What "Day" would you introduce?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 11 Feb 2008, 15:33, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Skiving
My brother was about 13 and was screaming in pain one morning. My mum called an ambulance. The paramedics said they thought it was appendicitis and rushed him to hospital.

When he got there, he got all sorts of tests done and nobody could figure out what it was.

After all the tests had been done, and my brother had been poked in almost every orifice, he then admitted he'd just wanted the day off school.

What were your best skives?
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sun 10 Feb 2008, 15:57, Reply)