Once upon a time
I was travelling to school on the bus. I was sat at the front, on the raised seats near the front, and for a laugh I decided to see what would happen if I stood up as fast and as hard as I can. I found out. You'll nearly knock yourself the fuck out and have the worst pain imaginable in the top of your skull for about a day afterwards.

What's the most painful thing that's ever happened to you? Or how has your own stupidity caused you a ridiculous injury?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Tue 18 Aug 2009, 20:22, Reply)

I took my car in for its anual test a few months ago.
The mechanic looked at the tyres, checked the lights, opened the bonnet to see how clean the engine bay was and then picked up a machine and began shaking it. A small print out popped out. He looked at it and shook the machine again. Another print out popped out and then he passed the car. The print out turned out to be the results of a 'brake test'. My car passed the inspection without being started.

Let's hear your stories of dodgey mechanics!
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Bad Baiting
I hounded my mate so much for being a sad 21 year old virgin that he slept with a streetwalker and subsiquently caught chlamydia.

Tell us of the time you've baited someone into doing something dangerous but hilarious.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Is it just me or ...?
Are there things you do, which you think no one else does? Find out if it is actually very popular or you are the odd weirdo out.
(Hydraton31, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 10:54, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Technology fail
My mum's understanding of technology is... incomplete to say the least. She can use her computer to access email, look up websites and even print (as I discovered): This morning I received a letter from her in the mail. Containing only the printed copy of an interesting email she received and wanted me to read.

She apparently doesn't know about forwarding emails.

What disregard for the 21st century and its accompanying tech have those around you shown?
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 6:46, Reply)

Lies you told as a Kid
I've shagged 5 birds... I'm only 13
(wicks, Mon 17 Aug 2009, 13:53, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

playground/childhood games
kids are best at inventing spurious nonsensical games. from speednob to playground kabbadi, well the fun was never ending. tell us your games, and lets get the best ones into the olympics.
(bacontrout got ska, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 19:23, Reply)

I wasn't expecting that...
I was dating a girl once, things were going well.

Then, one night, mid 'act' she smacked me in the face then punched me in the gut, all in the name of fun. Something I certainly wasn't anticipating.

Be it in a sexy way or otherwise, what's happened to you which was completely out of context for the moment?
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Top 5
Pick something you know something about about and tell us what your five favourite ones are, maybe even why.
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:14, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

There ought to be a law against it
Have you or someone you know done something that, while technically legal, shouldn't be? Perhaps it later became illegal.
I promise I don't have a long story prepared that ends with a terrible pun on "otter beer".
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 12:51, Reply)

Epiphanies
I was dropped off a cliff by accident in a climbing incident and should have died. I didn't, and learnt how to live in the process.
Tell us that defining point or realisation in your life which changed it or you for good or for bad.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 11:24, Reply)

Creepy Crawlies
Stories involving small reptiles, snakes, insects, rodents, bats, lizards, etc. Bonus clicks for any (credible) hamster-in-the-ass tales.
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 22:15, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Band names
I was once in a thrash metal band called Lesbian Tofu.

Anyone got one crapper than that?
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Dicks Out!
We all know them, we’ve all heard them and, I dare say, at some point we’ve joined in with them.

From the play-ground ditty to the terrace anthem, what makes you smile?

Your sister is your mother.
Your uncle in your brother
You only shag each other
The B3ta family

Or, so sing various football supporters to rival supporters, to the Addams Family theme tune, where B3ta is substituted with the geographic location of the opposition.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:15, Reply)

That's where it all went wrong....
I'm fairly sure that as soon as that first sip of ASDA's own brand lager crossed my mouthly threshold back when I was 15, that's when it all started to go downhill. Getting married, then promptly divorced at 25 is also up there.

Still, I'm a loser, so that was inevitable. When did it all go wrong, or even better, when did it all start going right for you?
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 12:48, Reply)

Nonmistaken Identity
Recently I had to pretend to be a mate of mine and cancel his phone contract as he was too much of a pansy to do it himself. I subsequently got caught when they asked for my mates middle name.

Tell us about when you've had to pretend to be someone else and been busted doing so.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 12:11, Reply)

QotW Result
What have you done or changed as a direct result of a QotW or an answer? In what small way have we affected your life?
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 7:46, Reply)

Enzyme suggested this a while back - absolutely great, so copied here with no credit to me:
"Ruin a joke
A polar bear walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint and............. a bag of nuts, please". Barman says, "Why the big pause?" and the bear replies, "Sorry, I'm epileptic and that was a petit mal episode."

SOOOO: tell us a classic/ old joke, and then pimp it to make it strange, different, and potentially wonderful. Funny ha-ha would be good, but funny-peculiar is funny as well..."
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:26, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I know it's been done before...
Kinda twice in fact.
But as I spent part of my late morning doing cartwheels in a Citroen, I feel I'm kind of obligated to suggest a near death/shit-scared topic for the next QOTW.


Alternatively, how about stories you've always wanted to tell but there's never been a suitable QOTW posed (I figure that's gotta be the b3ta equivalent of when a sitcom does a cheap-assed clip show).
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 2:00, Reply)

Summer holidays
Going anywhere nice this year? How did you waste the six weeks summer holiday you used to get at school? Do you have a regular destination for a summer break? Have you ever had a CDC tanned into your back thanks to creative mates?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 11:47, Reply)

Comedy Clothes
Recently whilst in a rush to leave the house i grabbed what i thought was my black t-shirt. Once insdie the pub i removed it to find i was wearing my mums low cut black number.

Tell us your comical mishaps with clothes.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Helicopter Parents
Recently I had to fire someone at work for being a completely incompetent desk jockey (this individual could even screw up answering the phone) but, to my surprise, his mum called me the following day to remonstrate with with me about the firing and lamented the fact that I had not considered how "Dale" had been feeling a bit poorly lately and I should have appreciated the effort he made just getting to the office with a runny bottom (Dale was 26).
Got me thinking, has anyone else dealt with these parents who hover around their offspring and never let go? from kindy, through school and uni, with their love interests and even employment, mum or dad is their to save the day and fight the battles.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 3:30, Reply)

Stuff I've made
Tell us about things which you've lovingly crafted with your blood sweat and tears.
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Annoyingly trendy
There's a man who lives near me who thinks he's Pete Doherty. Everytime I see him I want to punch him in the gob. Tell us about the victims of trendiness where you come from.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 17:08, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Movie Madness
After watching the watchmen i shamelessly try to gain mind powers by copying the film (staring at an object really hard and squinting).

Tell us your stories of looking like a tit in the small hope that you might become a superhero.

Lose points if anyone tried to be a jedi and whatnot.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Random acts of kindness
Hows about a fluffy QOTW?

What have you done out of the blue that was friendly, generous, or considerate.

Did karma pay you back or did you think bollocks to that, never again.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 3 Aug 2009, 21:05, Reply)

Stuff like
1) putting empty butter containers back in the fridge
2) someone using the same spoon to make coffee and tea, which gives a tea and odd taste
3) My kids not unravelling their socks properly when they throw them in the washing basket.
4) The last person home in the evening not locking the door.
5) People not replacing the toilet roll or not throwing out the empty tube.
6) One of my neighbours empties his car ashtray full of fag-ends into the road when he's cleaning his car.

What trivial things should you really MTFU about but can't help finding them irksome?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 3 Aug 2009, 17:18, Reply)

What I am most proud of
Maybe you saved a tiny kitty from a burning building with just a cheesestring and some post-its, or you went a whole day without a wank.
Just say what you are most proud of.
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Sat 1 Aug 2009, 15:42, Reply)