A good friend of mine once had quite a racist idea...
About four years ago, when deployed in the northeast Altantic, I was sitting at breakfast in the wardroom with a good pal of mine who is a Marine Engineering officer, and as such, one of the worst men I am ever likely to meet. He came up with with the concept of "morning racism", which was enacted over breakfast, and was intended to get all of your offensiveness out of the way for the day in a non-confrontational environment. Since everyone in the armed forces is a bit of a cunt anyway, I thought this was quite a good wheeze.
(Omnizor Spooning bits of road for breakfast., Fri 28 Oct 2011, 2:59, Reply)

Don't mention the War ...
My Godfather was German. Very German. He was a stoic frowning chap who didn't say much unless a bit pissed and he and the Godmother would come over every Sunday afternoon to play cards with my folks and drink a lot. Much swearing, laughter and poor parenting would ensue.

The German Godfather was a fantastically competitive card player. He had a curious habit. Once the first card of the trick was played, he would immediately select a card from his hand, raise himself slightly from his chair, and hold it aloft over the current trick before slamming it down in triumph. Being a 10 year old short arse, I learned to sit at an angle where I could see the card he was about to play.

Boy, did it piss him off if anyone played something that forced him to change his Triumphantly Held Aloft card mid-play. Something I learned to do rather well. I would throw entire games, to this effect, and much amusement from my parents who had cottoned on and enjoyed baiting the old bugger.

Well the sport couldn't last forever. One Sunday, things came to a head. As the day wore on and more and more beer was consumed by the adults, my Godfather's frustration at having his nigh on OCD like card playing style constantly thwarted by a 10 year old built up to cartoon like 'steam whistling out his ears' levels. The air was thick with German expletives from him and drunken laughter from his wife and my folks. His neatly trimmed moustache was quivering like an epileptic caterpillar. And suddenly, he caught me looking at his Triumphantly Held Aloft Card.

The jig was up. He stood up and threw his hand down on the table and rounded on me with violence in his eyes. My very drunken parents took a while to get over their guffaws and realise that this had gone well and truely past a joke.

As I sat there, 10 years old, expecting a back handed blow to the side of the head, the German Godfather suddenly said:

- Why do niggers have big nostrils?
[Stunned silence.]
- That's where God holds them when he's painting them.

And he stormed off.
(Que?, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 2:28, 12 replies)

Health n Safety
Not one of my Grandparents but I shall interpret this QOTW as: old people being racist in a colourfully charming way.

I'm reminded of an occasion when I was teaching a dubious Business Studies Course at a local Further Education College. Stuck for a lesson idea, it was suggested by a colleague of mine, that I invite Trev, the Health and Safety Officer to act as guest speaker for my lesson. Excellent, I think, that's the first 45 minutes sorted. I can with my feet up whilst he does all the work.

Trev was himself a retired lecturer, and let's just say he was of the 'old school' - before the days of Equality and Diversity training and Political Correctness.

Trev begins the lecture well enough. Health and Safety Regulation. Check. Fire Evacuation. Check. Risk Assessment. Check. Then he points at one of my students and says:

"Are you Irish? You're not Irish are you?"

He's from Croatia.

"Ah, good, I thought for a minute there you might Irish. Okay, I'll carry on then..."

Then follows Trev's 'anecdote' involving Paddy and Mick the two Irish Laborers. According to Trev, Paddy and Mick, the two Irish Laborers, are working on a building site and go down the pub at lunch time, get pissed on 6 pints of Guinness, return to work and then have an accident.

I can't actually remember what the moral was, but I was struck by the sheer number of stereotypes about the Irish in this delightful tale.

1. All Irish people are called either Paddy or Mick
2. Because they are Irish they are probably navvies who work on building sites
3. They are alcoholics who drink Guinness
4. They are stupid alcoholics who drink Guinness
5. They are stupid alcoholics who drink Guinness and have accidents
6. It's okay to make jokes about them as long as they are not listening.

Fortunately, Most of the students were from Somalia or Eastern Europe so most of it went over their heads. I had a good old chuckle tho.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 0:27, Reply)

Zebras
My Granny once told me the following joke:

"What do the darkies say when the use a zebra crossing? Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't"
(Parsnip No, I'm Spartacus, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 0:21, 7 replies)

My dad (also a grandad) casually pointed out how the Eastern European guys at work would piss off the locals
by working through their tea breaks as it was something they weren't used to having 'back home'.

I found that an incredibly stereotypical observation about the Eastern European work ethic and with more than a nod to the old stories about Stakhanovite factory workers, but he refused to apologise for his comment.

He was the MD and the local Midlandish workforce had been swinging the lead for so long they had all forgotten what hard work looked like.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 27 Oct 2011, 23:25, Reply)

Not just grandparents
My late father was fabulously casually racist.

One evening, way back when, before videos of terrible happenings were available to all and sundry via the internet, we were watching News at Ten as a family.

There'd been a helicopter accident somewhere in Spain that had been caught on film - a very unusual occurrence in those days - so ITN had decided to show it following the usual admonishment from Trev McD about some people finding the scenes upsetting (so we all moved a bit closer to the screen).

The 'copter had crash-landed at an angle and the passenger, in a daze or in panic, got out of the wrong side and made a run for it. For his trouble he received a slap around the back of the head from a fast-moving rotor blade, which killed him instantly. Cue much 'ouch'ing and groaning from us and a "poor man" from Mum.

"Don't worry," replied Dad, "he's only Spanish."
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 27 Oct 2011, 23:09, 3 replies)

My grandparents walk into a bar...
... The barman says "why the long face?"
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 27 Oct 2011, 23:05, Reply)

South Africa
Back in the '80s, when apartheid was still going strong in South Africa, my great uncle said "I won't buy those oranges from South Africa." "That's good," I said, "making a stand against apartheid!" "No", said he, " I just can't stand the thought of all those black hands touching them."
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 23:03, 1 reply)

'Politically correct' or 'PC'.
If someone uses either of these non-ironically, you can disregard anything they say. Either you can substitute "being fair to people, which I object to", or they just repeat buzzwords without thinking too much about their meaning.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 22:30, 1 reply)

It is with a heavy heart that I get this one out of the way now...
The Nazis treated my grandfather terribly during World War Two.

Passed him over for promotion, time and time again.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 22:16, 1 reply)

So. This weeks ad for sickipedia is the qotw ?
aicmf$np
I really hope Legless's post from the 1st page fps.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 27 Oct 2011, 22:12, 3 replies)

My Grandad
When he was still around - always (very vocally) made a point of not wanting a black one whenever he bought anything. When asked, which was always, he said the black ones don't work. A very tired joke, but its the first thing I think of when he's mentioned.
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 22:08, Reply)

not racist per se, but my grandad, a Protestant Glaswegian who emigrated to Australia in the 20s once found his sister in scotland, who married a catholic and converted, had been putting little saints crosses on the back of the Royal Mail stamps
he didn't speak a word to her again. Again was around 50 years until he popped his clogs. But if it's casual racism you be wanting, and you won't take any sectarian substitutes, I recall he once described the night as "black as a yard up a nigger's bum"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 22:07, Reply)

When my grandfather was very ill, he had a nurse who would come in every day and look after him,
Once when the family were all round visiting and said nurse, who was of Jamaican origin, was bustling about doing a fantastic job as always, my granmother commented "Oh she is wonderful you know, works like a black!"

Que Reeves and Mortimer moment as the room went silent apart from the sound of every persons jaw hitting the ground and a tumble weed rolled in from the hallway and across the living room carpet.
( lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:58, 3 replies)

I used to get a lift to work with a guy
who made a racist joke one day. When I said "That's disgusting, what if your Granddaughter married a black guy?" his response was "She'd know better than that" I haven't spoken to him since that day.

See this QOTW is fucking hilarious.
( Peej, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:42, 3 replies)

My grandfather told me this story, which he got from his father.
It's so repugnant I've declined to translate it from the original Irish.

"Breathnadóireacht, Toisc Go Bhfuil Mé Tábhachtach.

"Moladh an cheist seo ag "Tháinig sé Ó Planet Aylia", ar a dtugtaí Janet Aylia. Mar sin, éist tú le liobrálacha.

"Aylia, ina liobrálach agus bean, neamhaird mo thuairimí a fhoilsiú. Cinnim dofhulaingthe seo. Tá mo thuairimí tábhachtach.

"Léigh sí teachtaireachtaí agus mo díspeagadh sciar ...

"An bhfuil sé iontas go bhfuil mé míshásta ...?

"Tithe tábhairne an chuid is mó Liobrálaithe dhíbirt. Nach bhfuil an teach tábhairne bhuail mo éilimh ...

"Sláinte,
Gan Cosa"
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:37, 13 replies)

My grandfather was in La Résistance Française and he racisted the nazi mofos for several years before they caught him and that was the end of that.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:11, 1 reply)

My Grandad gassed a load of jews once.
I suppose that could be considered a tad racist.
(Arthur Hitler, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:11, 6 replies)

My friends grandad used the phrase "swearing like a black" which I wasn't even aware was one of the stereotypes.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 21:08, 2 replies)

My nan used to work as a cotton picker
she'd constantly go on a about how stupid and posh her "White Honkey employers were" she just didn't realise!
(serge, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:43, Reply)

my grandma had all her marbles but she did like to repeat things. a bit too loudly.
there was the time she asked my cousin if he was going for a poo when he excused himself over lunch. he was about 12.

the time she grabbed the waiter and said accusingly, "you look just like [my older brother]".

the way she mourned the corruption of the word gay. "such a lovely word". plainly oblivious to the fact that her own brother had clearly been as gay as a window and that my dad (her son-in-law) remained convinced she was a lesbian.

but worst of all was the fact that we could not stop her using the word paki. it wasn't that she was saying anything derogatory as such, other than the word itself, it was just - she kept saying it. eventually she got bollocked by one of the nurses in hospital, which made her appreciate that it wasn't just the family telling her to shut it. but she still didn't get it.

"i just don't understand it," she would say plaintively. and at the top of her voice. over and over again. "i mean, they're from pakistan. they ARE pakis!"

you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. still, better than my friend nick. his grandma mortified him in front of the whole of sainsburys when he asked if she fancied any watermelon. and she said loudly, "no thanks. you need a mouth like a nigger to manage one of those."

delightful.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:33, 6 replies)

.______    _______ .______          _______.  ______   .__   __.      ___      
|   _  \  |   ____||   _  \        /       | /  __  \  |  \ |  |     /   \     
|  |_)  | |  |__   |  |_)  |      |   (----`|  |  |  | |   \|  |    /  ^  \    
|   ___/  |   __|  |      /        \   \    |  |  |  | |  . `  |   /  /_\  \   
|  |      |  |____ |  |\  \----.----)   |   |  `--'  | |  |\   |  /  _____  \  
| _|      |_______|| _| `._____|_______/     \______/  |__| \__| /__/     \__\ 
                                                                               
 __       __  .___________.____    ____ 
|  |     |  | |           |\   \  /   / 
|  |     |  | `---|  |----` \   \/   /  
|  |     |  |     |  |       \_    _/   
|  `----.|  |     |  |         |  |     
|_______||__|     |__|         |__|     
                                        
 __    __    ______   .______          _______. _______ 
|  |  |  |  /  __  \  |   _  \        /       ||   ____|
|  |__|  | |  |  |  | |  |_)  |      |   (----`|  |__   
|   __   | |  |  |  | |      /        \   \    |   __|  
|  |  |  | |  `--'  | |  |\  \----.----)   |   |  |____ 
|__|  |__|  \______/  | _| `._____|_______/    |_______|
                                                        

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:29, 6 replies)

"Funny things that grandparents say" may have been a better title...
As such;

A few years ago at Christmas, we were sat as a family playing a descriptive game whereby you can't identify the person in question directly - For example, no mentioning of the films they have been in or what their name sounds like.

Well, it was my grandads turn to guess and we were trying our best to come up with suitable clues.

There is a feisty little Italian lady who works with my Mum who is rather vocal about certain things but equally lovely with it. So my Mum asked "What would Elena call xxxxxx"

With a perfectly straight face my grandad's conclusion was the following:

"Wanker"
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:29, 2 replies)

Am I seeing things? Or have all you porchmonkeys messed up B3ta?

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:27, 4 replies)

Cheers.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:14, Reply)

LoL
You can't keep a good qotw down.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 20:12, Reply)