When I moved to Sutton with my mother and sister
we bought with us our cat, Scratch (it's all she ever did - call a spade a spade, huh?)

Scratch was a farm cat, and confronted by an array of wussy suburban cats, she promptly started to beat the living shit out of them all and nick their terriroty.

One morning the nice old lady from next door appeared with what looked like a bloody rag in her arms, which turned out to be her cat, which our cat had mutilated. She then promptly demanded that we pay the vet's bill to put her cat back together. I was a little high when she came over, and remember suggesting that she pay her own goddam vets bill, or invest in a harder cat.

After that she used to make the sign of the devil at me and spray the hose over the fence any time my cat or I were in the back garden.
( expf, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Panteneman
I have a neighboor who never does come over the fence when the old man's out (his words not mine) and redbull face cunny cun.
anyhow (where was i?)oh yes thats the sotry...
Has anyone notice how they can smooth in and out the FUCKING CUNTS! I don't know what to believe and we're all laughing at them going ' oh they have funny faces' and that but they seem sound and can't even buy a car coz the FUCKING OLD BILL BASTARDS! save them up and spend them, and what was i saying?
So me my dad and phil (who's cool but for his car love) went over there and demanded an explanation (like we were going to get one of the fucking money grabbing bastards) and he was saying 'not interested' and phil and my dad were saying 'well they are deffinatly drug dealers now' and i just thought that he was probably a nice guy, coz thats not how i think.

i think.
(JinDod, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 10:36, Reply)

The Shut-up Family
Well they lived a few doors down but they might as well been next door.
All we ever heard was SHUT UP.....Always at the shouting level.

SHUT UP DOG
SHUT UP DARREN
SHUT UP SHARON

Yes quite unbelievably there kids were called Sharon and Darren.
(Smumps, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 10:35, Reply)

jeccy
"Albert, Warrior Princess!" shall be my new battle cry, although it's still got a long way to go to beat "Tits out for Captain Power!"

Please may we have a new question now...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 10:11, Reply)

Cupid Stunt....
This site might be useful:
www.insults.net/html/swear/polish.html
(smuj83, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 10:08, Reply)

What I love about Panteneman
What I enjoyed was the railing against "Capitalist fucks", and then complaining he couldn't buy a house.

Ummmm........
(spankybumchunks, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 9:35, Reply)

my neighbor, sort of...

As i had just rambled back into town without a cent to my name, i did the right thing - crashed ay my friends house, who was living with his gf at the time ; nice enough but a fucking spastic when she dramk. Which was often. As he and i also did. Disclaimer: although i have been known to be spastic at times while on the piss, i usually hold up pretty well. My friend, on the pother hand, was a worthy oppenent of said gf.But this has nothing to do yet with the sroty at hand...

To make a longer, wider and deeper story shorter, narrower and more shallow, the woman who lived beneath them (us) would lose her mind at the slightest vibration from above, swearing like a sailor and banging her roof with whatever at hand. for hours. We were all broke and went to the food bank to get some grub - one item that they gave us was a nice angel food cake. being the pleasant sober people that they were, my friend and his gf decided to gie it to her as a peace offerring.fate had it that she was off to BBQ, and happily accepted the splendid desert for the occassion. only to find, when she presented it, to be totally covered iin mold and slimy ooze. HAHAh. the foreshadowed story is even better but i'm tired now. toodles.
(goorf, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 8:30, Reply)

QOTW
Wheres the new one.....ive gotta think about work now.....rather than something else.

Apologies please!
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 8:12, Reply)

scary neighbours
old woman who used to live next to me accused me of smashing her patio doors with a football. (one of the 99p ones). But I was upstairs when I heard the smash!!!

Also, the geezer over the roundabout, he seems a nice enough chap, except that fateful day when my paper plane landed on the path outside his house. he threatened to put me under the bus by my ankles!

woo. second post!
(buggeringfuckering Time's a great healer, unless you've got a rash., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 7:34, Reply)

close talker
have this neighbor, nice guy and all, means very well. but damn...he is a close talker. The normal talking conversation range is a standard 3 feet, his has to be around 6-7 inches. creepy, the worst part of it is when you try and move back a little he just keeps narrowing the distance.
as always
...guiltyspark
(guiltyspark, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 5:08, Reply)

Ok, that is rather worrying...
I just looked out the window, cos' i could hear a really annoying noise, turns out my neighbour is vacuuming his driveway.Nothing abnormal about that.
(That guy with a hat., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 3:08, Reply)

Panteneman
You do love to ramble... you know, on thinking about it, if anyone should apologise about length, width, girth or just plain waffle it's this guy...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 3:06, Reply)

hey Aleister Crowleys Badger,
It's called an Akubra hat, dammit!
(not sure if it's spelled like that though)
(That guy with a hat., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 0:24, Reply)

neighbour kid
A couple months ago, my mother was driving home. She sees a child playing in a tree, a common enough sight. But then the child falls out of the tree, and starts writhing as if he's broken his arm. My mom gets out of the car to check if he's OK, and he just gets up and smiles, then climbs back up in the tree.
Apparently he does this a lot, to any passerbys.
He is my hero.
(Luna loves you., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 0:17, Reply)

There have been many
I used to live next door to this fella who thought he was Jesus and was convinced Charlotte Church would marry him (this was when she was about 13).
My dad's eldest brother was the scary neighbour from hell though. He was the local scary nutter – type you pray won't sit next to you on a bus – and was rather proud of it. He used to lean out of his living room window scaring any bloke who walked past by shouting "he homosexually raped me!" in an awsomely loud voice. He was also a lot of fun for the kids to watch as he continually rode his bike back and forth in the estate football pitch whilst wearing a tweed jacket and sunglasses á la
these.
( Fictional Emma, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 0:13, Reply)

To The Guy Below
Proof that you shouldn't smoke before posting.

I've no idea what he's on about,except that he's pissed off over *something*, but it was an oddly compelling rant,

I liked it.

But,then again,I am
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 0:09, Reply)

Scary neighbours? is it us or him?
Well, where do I start?

Well, once upon a time our street was known as “Cripple Creek”. There had been people that had been living in our street since it was first created (sometime in the mid 1960s) that have literally grown old there and shuffled off the mortal coil so to speak. A couple of dudes have had heart attacks and just generally grown old.

Over the past few years there has been a high neighbour turnover where capitalist fucks have moved from down south quick to exploit the cheaper living and general house prices. Meaning people with “not quite telephone number figure” salaries like me are forced to live at home with parents or be forced to live in desolate, shite hole flats. Where, if you go the corner shop for a bottle of milk, your precious “castle” will get turfed over by smack heads. Who can’t even get a glimpse or sniff of the “property ladder” because of capitalist fucks buying houses out needlessly and renting them out for silly money. Sorry, I digress….where was I?

Our “alleged” neighbour from hell...

Why I say allegedly is because we have this Eminem kind of dude living next door, with his Chav Spec Golf VR6 and wide drainpipe exhaust and the stereotypical gangster mates with Chav spec cars. Not forgetting the mandatory standard issue Pit Bull Terrier. Anyhow, word has it that this guy is some major wheel in drug dealing or something (so my folks told me) and is a general (in their terms) “bad egg”.

My folks are under the belief that the “suspicious glow” from one of the rooms is a “pot house” were they use solely one room with ultra bright lighting and controlled conditions to grow “herbs”, as well as foil lined for light reflectivity. And that people call at the door late at night for their “score” (their buzzwords, not mine) at strange times of the day (and flog others forms of drugs). I asked them repeatedly to back up their evidence to their claim, but they are literally too shit scared to tell me, which really does make me think THEY ARE talking out their arse, have too much spare time neighbour watching as they’re retired and got that archetypal “paranoia of the modern world" people beyond the age of 60 develop.

They have had some vague run in with them, and quibbled about a garden fence or something or other. And, think he is a twat. I don’t know I keep out of the way of neighbours and couldn’t give a shite. He is probably a nice dude. No idea!

I know one thing though, the sink was blocked, and upon unblocking the sink revealed disposed plant stems. My Dad theorised that he was mashing up spent Cannabis plants and the waste has become backed up into our sink. I couldn’t help but laugh. The more I laughed, the more pissed off he became. You can’t blame me, I mean, how fucking dumb is that??? Don’t they realise they done it THEMSELVES potting up their own plants and with their own gardening? Old people watch far too much TV and develop overly fertile imaginations.

Neighbours from hell? We probably are!! - not the “alleged uber drugs baron” next door!!

NEXT!
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 0:00, Reply)

Soap Opera Street
It started out so well, a young family moving into their first proper home in a quiet, friendly street in an extremely good area.

It ended up with my hiding in the house in despair, head in hands and windows shuttered as crazed knifemen on remand set fire to cars in the adjoining driveway, as teenagers went berserk on drugs and barricaded themselves into their loft and tried to throw the policemen from the roof, as bitchiness and gossip led to marriages breaking down and seed of all kind was scattered from house to house...

I moved recently, just days before a young girl was robbed and gangraped round the corner, as the rapists used her mobile to call her mother and tell her what they were doing.

I don't know if it was Gemma's nightly filling-rattling primal grunts as she was rutted by random cab drivers when I had guests in followed by days of listening to her scream horrific abuse at her kids from early am (walls like tissue paper, too), or the constant threat of imminent death due to the grudge held on Lorraine that pushed me out in the end.

I do know that I adore my new neighbour. She's a Jehovah's Witness.
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 23:44, Reply)