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This is a question Scary Neighbours

My immediate neighbours are lovely. But the next house down from that? Crimminy biscuits - he's a 70 year old taxi driver who loves to tell me at length about the people he's put in hospital and how Soho is "run by Maltese ponces." How scary are your neighbours?

(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:20)
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This question is now closed.

Where do I start?

With the couple in the flat upstairs who used to sing along with the theme tune to Friends every Friday night without fail (complete with claps)?

Or with my former landlord's girlfriend who caught my housemate smoking in the yard and proceeded to scream the house down while emptying his cupboards into a bin liner and screeching for the police?

Maybe I should start with another former landlord who would barge straight into my room when I'd just got out the shower? After a while I realised I could hear him breathing through the door moments before he opened it (shudder). Actually the housemates were all freaks too, next door's hamster used to be let out every night and at 4am I'd hear it eating my bedroom door while its owners had very loud domestic disputes (or romantic interludes, usually preceeded my Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On - I kid you not!)

The latest mad neighbour just likes to demand that we chop down random plants and calls the council every few weeks to report some heinous (and completely imaginary) crime committed by my housemates. And if you so much as drive slowly over their parking space, don't be surprised to see them leaning out of the window with a sawn-off. Happy days.

It's definitely time I moved to that desert island...
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:56, Reply)
Living in a flat, we have several 'neighbours'
First is Beryl across the hall, who can be heard loudly 'mewing' to her cat.....the fact she doesn't have a cat doesn't seem to put her off.

Then there's 'shouty bloke' upstairs, who can be heard arguing very loudly at all hours of night and day.
It must only be the voices in his head he shouts at, as there is never another voice to be heard.

'Blind bloke'(he is blind, it's not just a clever nickname) regularly goes to the nearby pub (about 30yd from the front door), get's arseholed, then spends the next couple of hours bouncing off of cars in the car park untill someone finally leads him in the right direction of the flats entrance.
When asked which lift he wanted to get to his floor, (one for even numbered floors, one for odd), and which floor he wants, he'll always answer "Any, doesn't matter"

Finally, we come to 'Crazy Pete' A man who is actually convinced he's Ozzy Osbourne's brother, and will kick the fuck out of you if you so much as hint that you don't also love Ozzy (but don't overdo it, as "no-one loves Ozzy as much as I do", promptly followed by a kicking)
He's around 5'1", has a foot long ginger beard and a bald head covered in Ozzy tattoos and scars....the scars are from where he will bottle himself for no particular reason.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:55, Reply)
Evil olds
They owned a nasty bungalow over the road from us. they were pure evil. Peter and Ira King they were called (heh heh P.King!).

They complained to our landlord about my sosns drum playing - even though I never let him play before 10am or after 7pm, and then only with all doors and windows closed, so you could hardly hear it outside. And they also complained to our landlord that I was climbing our tree and looking in through their windows. I was putting up a rope swing for goodness' sake!

They complained because we had an old beaten up car parked on OUR grass, and if we didn't keep our grass regulation length.

They shouted at our kids for playing outside OUR house. Especially at our son for skateboarding. When P.King tried to bill me for a football that had dameged his guttering - not kicked by my kids ( iknew who but I wasn't telling him!) I pointed out to him that perhaps the kids in question would have owned up, had he not been such a scary old man!!!

that felt good!

yes, I know it's long, but I can't be arsed with all these length jokes, as I have nothing to compensate for.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:49, Reply)
I have luckily not experienced much in the way of scary neighbours, other than new babies and the like. I did however become a scary neighbour myself for one night only.

It was my first year in halls at uni and one night I was awakened by the sound of my flatmate in the room to the left, the one in the room to my right and the guy who lived above me all having sex in their separate rooms. Loudly. As a bitter, twisted and lone sleeper, I belted out a few verses of 'Jerusalem" at the top of my lungs. That shut them up.

(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:47, Reply)
Many years ago when I lived in bedsit land
I had a satanist living next door & a god botherer living upstairs. If I wasn't being kept awake by the "Sex Pistols" comming from next door it was the fucking Gospel singing comming from upstairs.

Suffice to say they hated each others guts!
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:36, Reply)
I live next door...
...to a Mr Miller. He's the local vicar and a serial killer.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:29, Reply)
Not my neighbours
... but my cousins' neighbour ... liked to play loud music at any hour, but would call the coppers if her friends (who live on the other side of him) played anything. (Which they would, just to piss him off - goffik stuff, usually.)
His music would be so loud, it'd make the floorboards in her house shake!
One weekend, her mates had had a gutful. So, they went away for the weekend, and left the stereo on full volume. After standing at the side fence screaming at an empty house for a while, this nutter ends up standing in their driveway, waving a CHAINSAW and swearing his head of (to the delight of the other neighbours, who were standing around watching!)
Our neighbours are fairly normal, but the woman in the apartment above ours has a VERY loud vibrator. Her bedroom is directly above mine, and we live in crappy, non-insulated/noiseproofed Japanese housing. So, I can hear her take a bath, walk across her bedroom floor, open a drawer, then ... "hummmmmmmmmmm"
Cue slight discomfort ... especially when it starts changing speeds, tempo etc.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:28, Reply)
My next-door neighbour
He once threatened to "stick a knife in" my football if it came within 10 metres of his car... pretty scary for a (as I was then) 12yo boy.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:25, Reply)
just moved into my nice new flat, when we heard a low murmur , tried to work out what it was , then realised it was some weird kinda chanting , sounded like i was in 'the temple of doom'
This carried on for a few weeks, they did send a nice card round with sunflowers on explaining that they were Buddhists and were trying to free their minds with this scary chant. Least they weren’t Satanists suppose.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:25, Reply)
My ex neighbour,
lovely chap, let's call him Clint, Was sent to prison for the attempted armed robbery of some Post Offices. I say attempted because he went into the first one with a sawn off shotgun and was told "There are children here please don't do anything stupid" so he left in a huff, went to the next village and made off with about £70 from their P.O. Then he went to the next village, demanded money from an old man behind the counter who told him to "Sod off" which he promptly did straight into the arms of waiting police. Nice chap though, used to give me weed when I was 15 or so. I blame the parents.

No apologies for length, you love it...
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:24, Reply)
My batshit insane landlord/upstairs neighbour had a crazy as hell wife who threw her son's schoolbooks of the balcony and into the undergrowth for him to retrieve and locked him out one time as well. Nice lady.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:22, Reply)
Scary neighbours?
I've had more than my fair share. When I was naught but a small child, our next door neighbours were some of the worst imagineable. Loud music, locking their kids out, and from what I am told they intimidated me as well. One particular memory stands out when I got back from school to find a load of dog poo on the front garden. That was nice of them... not. Well, long story short, they were eventually put in prison for something else (both husband and wife) and we moved to another area. Not a nice ending really, as the new estate wasn't the best either. Waterthorpe? You can keep it.

In Mum's current house, she's also been defrauded to the tune of about 700 quid by the man who lives across the road- she paid him to sort out her fence and the dog's kennels, and he basically did bugger all. Mind you, his name is now mud in the local community.

As for myself, I had my fair share in university. The guy next to me in halls in my first year loved to make my life a misery- music till three in the morning, banging on my door to wake me up (I wasn't the typical student at this point), and in two memorable occasions he left the firehose running next to my door, and also upended an entire rubbish bin in front of my door. I woke up to the cleaners clearing it up and asking me if I wished to do anything about it. Mind you, his actions caught up with him. Firstly, I got my revenge with some good old public humiliation (with kareoke, and him trying his best to sing "My Uncle John from Jamaica"), the good old hand in bucket of luke-warm water, and so on. Needless to say not many people liked him, and he was kicked out right at the end of the first semester. For stealing my mobile phone and calling my family at unholy hours of the morning. Last I heard, he was collecting trolleys in Tescos for a living. Karma is a wonderful thing.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:11, Reply)
Bloody Neighbours
My partner managed to catch the next door neighbour in our garden with his freind who was weilding a set of bolt cutters, trying to nick our motorbike. Upon catching him he called the police - the scumbags response was to grin at my partner and give him the finger The next evening he came up to us telling this wank story of how he trying to catch the thief etc etc

I now wonder whether it was him who nicked my car and then burgled my house two weeks later

On the upside we have sold the house and are moving to the next town

No apologies for length I was traumatised by the whole ordeal
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:03, Reply)
Like I Wanna Dance With Somebody, Somebody Who Loves Me, I too live in Nottingham, and enjoy doing so emmensely. I live in a small close in the suburbs and as such it is peopled with generally nice, boring people...but we do have one lad who lives a few doors down from me, lets call him Michael (for that is his name).

Michael is harmless, but very, very simple. He regularly calls round asking for change of a tenner. He has the goofiest laugh. But best of all, he has the worst ginger pony tail that is totally greasy.

His parents are really old, and as you know, the children of old parents are always weird.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 14:03, Reply)
Don't Move
3 doors away from us when I was younger lived a family who had a girl the same age as me. When I was about 7 I was sitting in the dining room eating my breakfast when my dad who had popped to the shops was pushed into the house by two very very large policemen wearing bullet proof vests shouting at him "get your fucking i.d and don't try anything funny"

I didn't have a clue until much later what had gone on.....

The girl had been bought a doll by her Gran that had a tape player in the back, one of the tapes was an information tape explaining how to call 999 if there was ever any fire and also how to ask for the police if there was ever any trouble etc etc.

Cue my neighbour lets call her Nikki ringing up the police half 8 in the morning telling them her daddy had just murdered her mummy and about 10 police cars with ARMED police came racing to my street.

My dad had dropped in their paper to them on his way back from the shops and cos the police could see his reflection in the frosted glass they went mad telling him to get on the floor etc, he said there was about 3 guns on him and all the time my Nikki's mum was screaming what the hell was going on.

The slap mark was still visable the next day on Nikki's face!

I wasn't allowed to play with Nikki after that!
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:48, Reply)
My neighbours are proper rough...
My area is not nice, which is all the more worse when you consider that I live in Nottingham (recently revealed to be the 2nd worst place to live in the Britain). I live in a small cul de sac but the goings on are numerous. We've even had a shooting in my street which was fun. But it is my neighbours to the back of us who are the best, they regularly get together in their garden (which my room overlooks) and get pissed and then have the loudest arguements you ever did hear. They often culminate in violence. Top entertainment! Although it is difficult to get to sleep when I leave my window open. Despite this I still love Nottingham.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:46, Reply)
i LOVE this question.....
Ooooh its going to be a long one!!!

First Neighbour - Lived next door to us for bout 12 years ago. The she died. In the house, Therefore she is scary dead neighbour. She was a nice old woman actaully, rarley told my mum when i had houseparties and used to give me book tokens for my b/day. But now her house is for sale im trying to be the scary neighbour. Howsabout playing Smack Me Bitch up Full blast when there people viewing. And wil randommly stare at any new potential neighbours. Like stare stare. And throw my underwear into the garden and stuff. Its fun.

Other*neighbours* have been when i was traveling - Scary Lesbian Goth whod always *accidently* be hanging about the landing when im was coming home from a night out. In her underwear, fair enough if she was a pretty goth lesbian but noooo she looked like vennessa feltz. Shed always be *locked out* and wanting to t stay. fell for it the few times but when i woke up to her Licking my back i made it clear in no uncertain terms if she came near me again id kill her slowly.

Other creepy neighbours include the portugese boy who used to break into my room and steal the hair from my hairbrush. I know this cus i cought him once. It was weird. He used to always touch my hair when we were working (we lived in compunal staff accomadation)
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:43, Reply)
Hobbitt Freak Brothel Man
At my last residence we had an absoloute loon living next door.

He looked like a hobbittt who'd lost a headbutting contest with John Merrickk and had some of the worst home made tattoo's, including the obligatory love & hate on the knuckles, ever seen.

Over the four years we lived there he;

told us of tales of how he loved to spend hours in his loft reading his war magazines and drinking vodk as, quite fucking rightly, his missus wouldn't let him drink. If that wasn't worrying enough me and the missus could hear him scurrying around at all hours in his loft. Anyone ever seen shallow grave?

took great joy in bringing round a very decomposing rat after it was found that that had been the reason our drains were blocked.

Greeted me at our street party during the Queens golden jubilee with the immortal words "don't worry if you've seen a few strange women round my house, I've been getting some pro's in as the wife doesn't do it for me'

After finding out that my big brother had joined the pigs he went into great lengths detailing his criminal record. Which included a series of stabbings when "he wasn't very well"

Once turned up at my door, at 3 am, with flowers from MY garden and half a bottle of blue nun. When asked WTF you doing here he asked if he could ask out my wife's best mate who was staying the night. He'd seen her out the window and she 'looked his type'. Plenty of loft scurrying that night I can tell you.

Regularly rummaged through my bins as, after I finally caught him red-handed, he admitted I "threw away better shit than the missus bought" before i caught him he blamed foxes.

Regularly littered the gardens in our close with broken glass and rusty nails to stop the local kids playing football

But the best was when he turned his house into a bonafide brothel - I kid you not. I was once asked by some mac wearing nonce whether or not I had an appointment as, since he had an hour before the wife got back from tesco's, he wanted half hours worth with the new girl.

I put my house on the market the day I found he got sent down for 6 months - just long enough to move without him knowing where I was going and the new owners meeting the guy first.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:42, Reply)
New Mothers
Rank amongst the worst neighbours of all time.

Theres nothing like the incessant whinging of a newborn brat at all hours to make me want to kill.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:42, Reply)
I agree
Pikeys are the neighbours from hell!
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:38, Reply)
My next door neighbours used to own one (1) album, which they liked to play at top volume. It appeared to be Van Halen's Greatest Hits. Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:32, Reply)
Now for a tale of my scary neighbours:
I used to live in a crap town called St. Neots.

And about 2 years ago new neighbours moved in, they constantly bitched at each other, constant shouting in the morning, and then when they got back from work. They decided to take all the grass etc. out of the back garden and replace it with gravel / stone slab thingeybobs.

I decided I wanted to get my own back by being as loud as possible and in general a tosser; after a week they came round (the woman in tears) and asked to be friends.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:30, Reply)
scary neighbour again...
I live at number 668, the neighbour of the beast!
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:27, Reply)
I'm a a very scary neighbour.

(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:26, Reply)
A nearly neighbour of mine is...
b3tan favourite Legless.

He's a nutter. I have proof.
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:25, Reply)
My Flatmate
Well, he lives in the next room to me so he can be classed as a neighbour.

So what's he done recently?

Flooded the kitchen so that the water poured into the flat below and ruined a full size snooker table.

Fell asleep last Friday leaving a candle burning on the coffee table which then set fire to said coffee table and could have easily set fire to the entire flat and killed me as some silly bugger had disconnected the smoke alarm (that would be me then..)

But the scariest thing was when I caught him naked except for a Santa hat and his "glove of love". Dancing. I still have the nightmares.

(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)
first, oh yes.

Now for the tale.

My neighbours aren't particularly scary..
Scary in their mental capacity perhaps....

During the BSE scare my neighbour came round my house and asked my mum whether she was still letting me eat beef. My mum replied that she was, and asked the same of her - was she letting her kids eat beef?
she said that she wasn't sure, and that she would probably just keep the beef burgers they had bought in the freezer until the scare was over. Hmm

Ohh, also. The neighbour the other side has some rather "interesting views" on society..

When Gypsies moved into the carpark just over the road from us, he said, and i quote "The only way to stop them is to burn them. Burn the kids and the babies too, its the only thing they know".
Then, after the london tube bombings, his master plan was to "kill all the rag-heads, bring back paki-bashing", as again "it's the only thing they know".
Finally, when there were rumours that a local army base was being turned into housing in order to house asylum seekers/immigrants... guess what? "Burn all the 'immo's', that'll learn them".

This coming from a man who owns a shotgun...
(, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 13:23, Reply)

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