Virtual Secret Santa
Well despite being removed...I have gratefully received some lovely gifts from b3tans....

The prize goes to Che Grimsdale for giving me two lovely books and some perfume oil...and all for a fiver...well done! And very thoughtful too...

Runners up included a million pounds - ta for that one....Various gifts from Ann Summers - hmmm...that'll be interesting opening in front of the kids on Christmas day....
And one other gift which I shall be keeping to myself....but it was the best unpostable one....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 13:57, Reply)

My greatest regret is that I lied on my CV about having met the Queen while on a school trip. And not losing my virginity at the dentist while having a body piercing.







Shall I come back later?
(><(((">, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 13:22, Reply)

every year...
i organise a secret santa in my household.

and every year i get stuck with the disgusting bastard, this year i live with 4 girls, and there is a sprokettoothedkangorillapig who was disgusting last week and left a used vampire teabag in the bathroom bin.

now everyone knows i get grossed out by things which bleed for a week and dont die, so this year i bought the bitch hoover bags and biohazard bags to put her faff in.


i should have just shit in a bag.
(konigsred, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 12:45, Reply)

Well....
Everyone here has pissed off early...

So I'm off ot the workshop to make more of these... b3ta.com/questions/essentialitems/post42334/

ahhh.. Chritmas prezzies for all the family... "Yes Grandma... It's for your ass.. "
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 22 Dec 2006, 10:57, Reply)

...while we're waiting
Everyday on my way to work I have passed by the garage gates at the back of a shop called Frankle Trimmings. There is a large pile of poo which, judging by the hight at which it appears to have been deposited, is almost certainly of human/tramp origins.

It has been there now for almost two weeks and I am beginning to wonder if there is much call for Frankle Trimmings at christmas time as they have obviously not opened their garage gates in all this time. (I have deduced this by the fact that the poo has not been dislodged from it's resting place).

Anyway, the point is, what the fuck is a Frankle and why would anyone want it's trimmings?
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 9:51, Reply)

Mostly tasteful
Today we had our office Kris Kringle, and the majority of the presents were very nice. I got a lovely pink bracelet watch from the woman who looks like Yoda, I gave someone else a Bloom lipgloss keychain, our team leader got a nice bottle of wine, a bunch of people got chocolates and so on.

However, a few days ago one of our co-workers left, and decided to give his Kris Kringle present early. A bunch of us gathered around as the delighted recipient opened several layers of festive wrapping to reveal... a vibrating condom.

I would have really liked this to have happened at the main KK, as we could all stand around and point at the arsehole who gave the one crank present.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 7:46, Reply)

Gifts between brothers
Me and my brother didn't really get on too well as childes. For my birthday one year, he bought me a magazine. About PlayStation games. Apparently he bought it with his own money.

This Christmas, he's getting a copy of Moonwalker jammed in his... stocking.
Revenge is a dish best served with unconvicted pedophiles.

Then again, he actually owns 'Leprechaun In Da Hood' willingly... bugger, don't think I thought this through.

( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 21 Dec 2006, 21:00, Reply)

I used to work with someone I didn'tlike very much he always chewed his pens i wiped my snot on his pen and watched him chew it that wasn't enough for me so the next day i wipe my arse on the end of his pen and watched him chew it. He was a cunt.
I didn't have a relevant story though.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 13:32, Reply)

France
Season 2004-05, secret santa at the hotel I was working in. I picked Mark the chef and bought him a nice Burton zip tool for his jacket. A nice thoughtful present, thought me. However, my sense of humour and perversion was well known, and my manager bought me one of the most horrible french jazz mags I've ever seen. Grannies is various positons, waterworks and everything. They all laughed when I opened it. I excused myself right after and popped to the loos.

They stopped laughing when they realised I'd blown my load on the centrefold.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 11:06, Reply)

Complete pants!
I opened my Secret Santa gift yesterday and found some black Calvin Klein pants.
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 11:01, Reply)

Giving A False Impression
As an American, I know little about sports in general, and not the slightest bit about rugby in particular. Nevertheless, on my first visit Down Under, I wanted to ingratiate myself with the natives, and I thought a good way to do that was to express solidarity with the Aussie cricket team. Flying into Brisbane on a crowded airliner, crammed right next to the Great Britain rugby team, I had heard the Brits mocking the way Aussies speak - "G'Day Mate! G'Day Mate!" Offended on behalf of the Aussies, I earnestly hoped the Brits would get their faces pounded into the mud.

Riding a train late at night, I spotted a fellow in a green-and-yellow rugby jacket. Both he and his girl friend were dozing. I knew there had been a big game that evening and I wondered who had won. I moved closer, hoping to convey my hopes that Australia had won. Soon enough, the train's motion jarred them both awake, and I pounced.

I asked "did Great Britain or Brisbane win today's game?" The girl friend corrected me: "Australia defeated Great Britain tonight." The fellow asked, somewhat sarcastically, "do you know where you are?" I cheerily answered, "barely!" Voice dripping with contempt, he said "you're an American, aren't you?" I answered "oh, yes!" Girl friend cheerily said, "oh, we've seen many international folks today - Germans, Czechs, etc." I continued, "you see, when I flew into Brisbane, I flew in with the Great Britain rugby team." The guy answered, "then you must have felt right at home." I said, "no, rather...."

He interrupted: "Listen! I hate Poms and I hate Yanks, the two most loser nations in the world!" Girl friend said "hush, don't be rude." He then began muttering all kinds of venomous anti-American things to the girl friend, amongst which I heard the name George Bush mentioned at least once.

Wanting to leave a bon-bon of trans-Pacific sweetness, I gave the green-and-yellow ass a false impression instead. So much for international harmony. I'm going to get a green-and-yellow voodoo doll for Christmas and poke needles in it for fun.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 9:26, Reply)

Once upon a time
an aunt of mine decided it's time we have a family Secret Santa. Everyone drew names out of a hat at a function close to Christmas and was responsible for buying that person a gift. Unfortunately almost everyone in the family saw this as the perfect excuse to let the others know what they think of them. My (rather alcoholic) uncle received a six-pack of, reasonably good, beer with a tag that said 'Try to make it last longer than two minutes - Santa'. The fatter of my aunts was lucky enough to be given some vouchers for KFC. Because of the small size of my family many people got themselves and by an amazing stoke of luck my parents got each other. They gave each other towels. Even the children were not spared in this event. I got a broken body-board and my sister was given an album from what we think was a Czech Republic boy-band. Needless to say, no such activity was tried again.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 4:52, Reply)

Extended Family
I know this is slightly off topic, but what you are about to read, regards the Christmas presents we (my family and I) have been given by my relatives, on my Mother's side family over the years, which is a little like secret santa, because what we usually receive from them, suggests that the frame of mind, of certain members of my extended family, when purchasing gifts, is very much in the same vein as someone whom is buying anonymously.

1) At the age of 11 my youngest brother received an oversize plastic hammer, which played the sound of glass smashing, when the end of the hammer was struck against another object. It was second hand, and on the box was written "Suitable for 2-4 year olds".

2) Both my brothers, my sister, and I, opened our gifts one Christmas morning, and were pleasanlty suprised to find we had all received remote control cars, which for once seemed a really good gift, on closer inspection however, the remote control cars were all attached to a 5ft wire, on the end of which was the controller, so not so good. The cars in action, were a little like taking a dog for a walk, really slowly.

3) My father received what I can only describe as a dwarf barbeque (too large and heavy to be considered a camping stove, the trade name on the box was "GrillFass"), with about enough room to cook a couple of rashers of bacon. Not a great gift for a family of six, and probably picked up in the bargain bin at a garden centre, as I don't know too many shops that have a push on barbeques at Christmas time. Also, the barbeque was about a foot tall, and didn't have legs. So when in use, because the cast iron lump would get quite hot, you either had to put it on the ground, crouch, and then cook, or somehow find a flame retardent, tungsten table to place it upon.

4) Another great present for my father, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", by Friedrich Nietzsche. I didn't understand what this book was at the time (so I was unable to appreciate the sublime stupidity of this gift until years later), but neither did my dad, who is more of a cricket fan than a philosopher, I think his reaction once he had removed the wrapping paper, was "That's a funny name for a novel".

5) At the age of 14, from my Grandma, I received what was entitled a "Penis Repair Kit", in which were bundled a small pair of scissors, some moisturiser, and a couple of lace bows. I don't know how self assured other pubescent teenagers are about their private parts, but opening this in front of my family whom were all laughing, was very emabarassing. Further more, when I threw it in the bin, the gift tag fell off, and underneath was written the message "Love, from Sarah Tweedy, p.s. don't tell Dad", so another second hand gift.

6) One of my brothers once stupidly mentioned, in front of our grand parents, that they liked liquor chocolates. So for 5 years straight they received, a value size box of "brandy beans" (about 50 in a box, all exactly the same... after eating about 5, you're sick of them), each Christmas, made by the exact same manufacturer, and with exaclty the same design on the box. I swear they bought them in bulk in the January sales one year.

7) My sister once received an oil burning lamp.....

8) The elder of my two brothers also received a "Ralph Lauren" shirt. Again, seemingly a decent gift, however when he tried it on, it was obvious it was second hand, it smelled of cigarettes, and the collar was massive, like something John Travolta might have worn in Saturday Night Fever.

9) Finally, there was the hamper from my Mother's brother. He is married to a dutch woman, and lives in Holland, so one Christmas he sent all the family, a hamper of Dutch delicacies. On the basis of this hamper, I would hate to see what the Dutch consider, inedible, in which there was a giant tub of apple jelly, stale biscuits, some other strange barely edible crap, and the centre piece of the hamper, some aniseed flavoured tables, apparently for making flavoured water (Hot or Cold!), I think they were called "arsjeblookes", and could well have been mistaken for suppositories.

I wonder what I'll get this year, and I wonder If I'll be able to sell it on Ebay.

Merry Christmas.

EDIT: p.s. Just so my post qualifies (it isn't very interesting, feel free to move on to the next post), I have taken part in a Secret Santa thing before. I gave a fellow female employee a hand made A-Team t-shirt, with pictures of Hannibal, Face, Murdock and BA, each with a silly caption underneath (I was really proud of my work, I wish I had a picture to post). Unfortunately the miserable bag seemed quite apathetic about her gift, I later learned she was a frighteningly devoted Bruce Springstein fan, in retrospect, I should have chosen different pictures to match the caption "Porn in the USA", or something similar....missed opportunity.

EDIT EDIT: p.p.s To Sarah Tweedy (whoever you are), if you're reading, your boyfriend gave your gift to my grandma, which means that either your boyfriend thinks my gran has a penis, or he wanted her to have a look at his old chap, either way, he seems like a bad egg...also I'm confused, is your boyfriend's dad, also your dad? I have wondered sometimes. I hope you didn't marry the fellow.
(dunkindogdo, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 0:55, Reply)

Not me...
...but my sis gave her friend a christmas present consisting of a huuuuge amount of wrapping paper (like an onion) with nothing in it. Apparently the look on her friend's face was priceless when she finished...
(satellite blows, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 23:56, Reply)

I received
A Glue Gun

That is all
(The_Reaper, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 23:40, Reply)