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This is a question Sex Toys

Lanternchikk asks "How about a vibrant and stimulating discussion on sex toys?" What do you use to get off, and has it ever gone wrong? And yes, we've heard that urban myth, thank you.

(, Thu 17 May 2012, 11:33)
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too young?
There's no innocence anymore. How many of these products will be on the shelves this Christmas?

My Little Boner - fun-size latex erection with a refillable reservoir. Agitate it perpendicularly until the built-in speaker hyperventilates and pearly gloop jets or dribbles from the end (depends on model). For pre-pubescent boys or young slappers-in-training.

Fanny in a Tin - No more worries about "What it will feel like"! This anatomically-correct and artfully-coloured silicone vagina (full bush or shaven haven) is supplied in a standard tin with a tube of 'crazy lube'. Just pop the top and penetrate for hours of solitary amusement. Built-in speaker randomly plays audio loop of: "Ooooh! ... Aaah! ... Is it in yet? ... I've got the clap ... Your dad was bigger."

Facial Target - a mixture of the 80s' favourite disembodied head 'Girl's World' and a dartboard, this plastic female head has closed eyes, an open mouth and a protruding tongue. Concentric circles are marked faintly on the face, with the mouth as maximum score. Just whip it out and start shooting!

Titty T-shirt - a t-shirt in many sizes with a pair of 34DD latex tits attached. Girls wear it to get a sense of what puberty might bring; boys put it over a pillow and fuck it from behind all night long.

Naughty Mister Mole - Mr Mole is long and thin with an inexplicable lack of limbs. All he wants to do is get back down his dirt hole and snuggle into the darkness, vibrating with contentment at the touch of a button.
(, Mon 21 May 2012, 17:51, closed)
Instead kids should be given.
The Oozinator: www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc
(, Mon 21 May 2012, 18:00, closed)
So what you're saying is that you're a desperate paedophile.
(, Mon 21 May 2012, 19:01, closed)
If I was a paedophile . . .
I'd be recommending a double brandy in some hot milk and a game of 'Roman wrestling'. Rather, my original post comes under the general description of 'joke'.
(, Mon 21 May 2012, 20:08, closed)
I may be old-fashioned, but aren't 'jokes' meant to be 'funny'?

(, Mon 21 May 2012, 20:22, closed)
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 5:35, closed)
No, you're definitely a Creepy Uncle of some kind

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 6:24, closed)
If you read the post (I'm putting this here so Shambo can't delete it)
The only vaguely paedo suggestion is the My Little Boner.
As for the rest - most kiddy fiddlers wouldn't be interested in a full-sized fake twat - wrong size & orifice, facials (maybe but more of a bukkake thing really), TITS, really? Bit too old if they've got norks methinks. Finally, psychologically most child molesters are givers rather than receivers.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 7:58, closed)
I'm gkad that
someone is taking this seriously.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 8:09, closed)
I too am gkad that this topic has been raised from the sublime to serious.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 9:05, closed)
I could edit that,
but then we'd both look stupid.

You owe me.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 9:30, closed)
A 6 pack of Coopers Sparkling Ale headed your way.
What's your address again?
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 9:43, closed)
No need to pretend not to know,
my husband won't be reading.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 10:06, closed)
Oh like you would really have a RL
sexual partner.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 10:31, closed)
We're doing it, right now.
I know that makes you hot.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 11:09, closed)
Save it for the judge, kiddy fucker.

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 22:15, closed)
Your mum
still doesn't want to read your christmas list.
(, Mon 21 May 2012, 20:10, closed)
you are a terrifying shut-in paedophile.
did you read this back before posting and congratulate yourself? fucking, fucking hell, jonathan king. does your parole officer know you have the internet?
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 4:52, closed)
LOL! you fucking mental molester.
I bet you had a wank as you wrote this, you fucking dirty prick.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 6:27, closed)
What happened to QOTW?
Everyone been reading the Daily Mail since I was last posting regularly? Has nobody been following the 'sexualisation of children' discourse in the media? G-strings for pre-teens? Porn influences in pop videos? Anyone heard of satire? FFS. Maybe I need to put a disclaimer on all future posts:

"Post may be subjective. Imagination required for fullest appreciation - check content for puns, humour, exaggeration or willful obscenity. Do not read if of a conservative or humourless persuasion. Consider the rules of irony, which dictate that the sentiment expressed might be opposite to the intented point."
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 8:35, closed)
Take no notice
Janet, Monster Munch and Mark Morrisons prison shoes are all humourless troll twunts from talk
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 8:52, closed)
Don't you talk about our janet like that you
insensitive cunt.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 9:07, closed)

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 10:56, closed)
Yes my dear.
Yes it has.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 21:05, closed)
How dare you
capitalise my name like that?!

Y'know what, Andy The Pie-Man? You're off my Christmas Card List.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 9:33, closed)
I'll have to take your christmas present back now. And it had the revolving attachments
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 9:52, closed)
oh man, you sure got my number mr comedy!

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:02, closed)
Your number
The educationally subnormal helpline?
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 9:50, closed)
oh man! that's well LOL that is.

(, Wed 23 May 2012, 10:41, closed)
Just mash the keypad
I'm sure you'll get through eventually
(, Thu 24 May 2012, 8:06, closed)
LOL! read back your post, read the replies.
learn what irony means, you daft prick.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:03, closed)
I admit it
I have indeed read my original post and the replies. Now I truly understand the gift - no, the subtle talent - of irony. I can only hope to emulate such hilarious comedy.
(, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:27, closed)

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:55, closed)
Don't feed the troll.

(, Tue 22 May 2012, 18:43, closed)

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