
Our glorious leader Rob asks: Most of us have done it, right? You've seen a grown lady/man naked, right? What's your biggest regret connected to The Acts of Venus? "Your Mum" does not an answer make, but big fat lies about threesomes are welcome.
( , Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:34)
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I was was working in a club in Scotland. We closed early one night so i decided I'd pop over to the bar we all went to on sundays and have a wee pint. I was in there for about half an hour - sober - amongst a bar full of drunk people. That didn't last long though, quite a few of the local girls started buying me nasty little shots with nasty little names and things got blurry.
Anyhow, i noticed across the bar a tall blonde woman was wearing a hustler shirt. She made eye contact and when i said "nice shirt", she lifted it. A bit unexpected, but later I end up at her house drinking coffee and whisky while she talked on the phone to someone. After maybe twenty minutes she finished her conversation and we went outside for a smoke, got halfway through before the tongue-wrestling began, then up to her room.
She must have been early thirties, but had a stunning body. I got her clothes off and noticed she had very nice lady bits so I went down town for pizza. Thought i did a marvelous job, and when I couldn't hold back any longer I came up and mounted her.
She was asleep.
This is what I did:
Pulled out, got dressed and took her bottle of whiskey for the walk home.
This is what i should have done:
Stuck it in her arse, jizzed under her pillow and taken the whiskey home.
Fucking wish i had.
Turns out she had a boyfriend who approached me at work a week later, I denied everything, he was a cunt anyway. And it turns out quite a few of the local ladies fancied me, hence the free shots. I never had a clue. Now I'm on the other side of the world in a long term relationship with one of Hitler's offspring.
Sorry about the length not being used more deviously on that cunts girlfriend.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 1:17, 40 replies)

If you were working in a bar in Scotland, you'd know they spell it "whisky".
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 7:06, closed)

if you were in Scotland would you be working at all?
or for that matter educated/sober enough to spell whiskey?
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 10:48, closed)

And the OP sounds like a lovely person. I mean, who doesn't wish they hadn't raped a passed-out woman, hey?
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 11:21, closed)

i my humble but long experience it would go some thing like this
GEteafuchhkyewegobshitebassard
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 11:39, closed)

You didn't sodomise an unconscious girl. You're a proper gent. And not a creepy wannabe rapist.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 11:40, closed)

( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 12:13, closed)

He 'pulled out,' which to me implies that he penetrated an unconscious woman. Sounds pretty rapey to me.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 13:13, closed)

( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 13:25, closed)

'when I couldn't hold back any longer I came up and mounted her.
She was asleep.'
So not only is he not very good at cunnilingus he IS a rapist.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 14:37, closed)

On whether this is actually a nicely weighted bit of trolling
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 15:14, closed)

She must have been early thirties, BUT had a stunning body... dont you mean AND, or are you 12?
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 18:11, closed)

I was twenty, and I say stunning because she hadn't had kids so the finer details were all good. You know, stretch marks, nipples and such.
I THOUGHT I was doing a marvelous job - being twenty and very drunk, I mean i only had a hard on because i was twenty.
And i regret not shagging all the other girls in town due to being captain oblivious himself.
It was a decent drop though, a fine single malt.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 19:16, closed)

I've done my fair share of anal rape. To be honest, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 19:45, closed)

And I was not aware of consent being withdrawn.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 20:30, closed)

( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 16:41, closed)

Morally corrupt, but there are very few DPP's that would touch this.
( , Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:39, closed)

That way, even if it is just trolling, you'll be stuck with it anyway.
( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 22:01, closed)

( , Sat 10 Dec 2011, 22:13, closed)

but not being a rapist.
It's a shame you've written all this from an account that's so easily traceable back to you.
( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 10:26, closed)

It's only now, after reading these replies, that I realise I should have immediately phoned the police.
( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 12:11, closed)

if she had woken you up by buggering you with a strap-on? And not been your wife?
( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 16:30, closed)

( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 17:20, closed)

( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 17:35, closed)

Maybe I shouldn't post the stories about my experiments with pyronecropaedophilia.
( , Sun 11 Dec 2011, 21:58, closed)

Nice, they should leave that one open for ever.
( , Mon 12 Dec 2011, 20:29, closed)

The biggest regret? Not drawing a dick on her forehead - with six hairs on each ball.
( , Mon 12 Dec 2011, 21:33, closed)
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