I haven't read all this yet, apologies if it's here already...
deletes Rape victim gaf
Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?

Chernobyl Fallout

(not the sickest I know, so it doesn't really answer the question)


Why did the chicken go to a seance?
To get to the other side.
(jesusbagpuss, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 0:23, Reply)

mmmmm...
what's red and squiggles in a bucket?




an abortion
(tramp boy, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 23:01, Reply)

Sweet joke
So this jelly baby goes to the doctors and says 'Doctor, Doctor, I think
I've got the clap"

The Doctor says 'don't be ridiculous, you're a jelly baby. How could you
possibly have the clap ?'

And the jelly baby replies 'Yeah I know. But I've been shagging Allsorts'
(Evelyn Stannard, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 22:13, Reply)

last one i promise
What's soft, brown, and in a baby's diaper?




Michael Jackson's hand.
( sparky, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:40, Reply)

What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
"Hey, get out of my son."

(sun)
( sparky, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:35, Reply)

Jacko
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
( sparky, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:31, Reply)

Piss her off
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?





A. Call her and tell her.
( sparky, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:29, Reply)

Necrophiliac Convention
Three necrophiliacs are comparing their likes. The first says "I like to fuck the body as soon as it is dead"

The other two say "Yeah, but that kinda defeats the purpose - the body is still warm"

The second necro says "I like to fuck the body a few hours after death - that way it is a little stiff and getting cold"

The third guy says "I like to wait about 8 weeks before I fuck the body" to which the other two ask "why?"

He replies "Because that way I can penetrate the body wherever I want!"
(tranceBean, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:20, Reply)

I feel dirty posting this!
How do you get a faggot to fuck a woman?





Shit in her cunt.
(tranceBean, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 21:12, Reply)

bin dun?
What's better than winning Gold in the Special Olympics?











Not being retarded.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:52, Reply)

World Sickest Joke
Mrs Smith goes to a doctors surgery to get the results of a test.

When she asks the doctor for the results he replies " Do you know how to change a nappy?".

"Am I pregant" she asks?

"No. You have bowel cancer."
(Spiteme, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:52, Reply)

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.




...Well, I thought it was funny anyway.
( Zuowan, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:40, Reply)

Not another dead baby joke...
What do you have when your donkey and your rooster gets in a fight, and the donkey bites the rooster's leg off?


A foot of cock up your ass.
(Pooky, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:32, Reply)

So..
My parents went to New York on September the 11th and all I got back was a bloody t-shirt.
( Zuowan, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:14, Reply)

what do you call a paedophile in a shirt?
vicar.
(not_real had his name thieved, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 20:13, Reply)

paedophile leading a child through the woods at night...
'what? YOU'RE scared. i have to walk out of these woods on my own.'
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 19:52, Reply)

apologies fro speling and length
man and wife on their honeymoon.

one the first night the man comes downstairs and says.

i love to fish. who will come fishing with me. i will pay them £50.

well, the night porter agrees, but on the boat asks. 'you are on your honeymoon. why are you not fucking your good lady wife in the cunt?'

man replies. 'well, the lady, she has gonnereah. and you know i love to fish.'

next night same things happen. the night porter has been thinking about the man's situation and this time asks.

'you are on your honeymoon. i understand your wife has a disease of the cunt, but can't you fuck her in the arse?'

man replies. 'well, the lady, she has diareah. and you know i love to fish.'

next night same things.

'you are on your honeymoon. i understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse, but can't you fuck her in the mouth?'

man replies. 'well, the lady, she has foot and mouth. and you know i love to fish.'

next night same things.

'you are on your honeymoon. i understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse and the mouth, why did you marry this diseased bitch?'

man replies. 'well, the lady, she has worms and you know i love to fish.'
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 19:51, Reply)

A family walk into a talent agent's office
and ask to talk to the agent. His secretary tells them that he is very busy, so he can't see them. The family are distraught, and decide to start their act and hope that the secretary is so impressed that she'll send them through.

The father gets the ball rolling by kicking his heavily pregnant wife in the cunt. The eight year old son sits under his mother's skirt, and when the newly aborted foetus drops out, he snaps off one of its legs and sticks it up his anus until it starts bleeding. the five year old daughter strips naked and eats the limb out of her brother's rectal passage, but it's so deep that she has to punch him in the stomach to make him shit it out a bit. Meanwhile, the father is beating his wife with the foetus. when one of her teeth falls out, he shoves it up his jap's eye, takes a pistol out of his trouser pocket on the coathanger and shoots his wife in the head, whereupon he begins to fuck the hole. The smallest child, a baby of only two years, has just started fisting his older sister's vagina, but his he has sharpened his nails so he rips off her labia and starts to masturbate furiously with them over his dick. The father, who has finished fucking the dead mother's head, starts to fuck his own daughter, despite her lack of lips. he finally reaches the peak of sexual arousal, and the tooth inside his knob shoots out, ripping through the little girl's internal organs and killing her. He then pokes out both his baby's eyes with his bloodstained and swollen penis. He smashes the window using the toddler's head, and he impales it through the temples on a piece of protruding glass.

The father, who is now reaching the climax of his performance, takes a hammer and smashes his older son's spinal column before emptying the semen out of his sister's vagina into the kid's mouth and stamping on his face, smashing his teeth which drop into his throat.

The surviving man turns to the blood-spattered secretary and pulls at the end of his penis in such a way that it tapers as it gets closer to the body. "Voila! The Eiffel Tower!"

"That's some show!" says the secretary. "What do you call it?"

"The Aristocrat," he says.
(Sir Tomalot: Don't look at my profile, you'll go blind, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 19:42, Reply)

A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death...
when she is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself...to her reply of yes he asks if she can give him a blow job "sure life sucks, I may as well too" when she's done he tells her it was great and asks why she's going to kill herself topo which she replies
"My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"
(kittenbot will be Scotland's greatest Ochazuke chef!, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 19:32, Reply)

babies
What's worse than a dead baby in a bin?
10 dead babies in 10 bins.

What's worse than 10 dead babies in 10 bins?
1 dead baby in 10 bins.

How do you get 10 babies in 1 bin?
With a blender.

How do you get them out again?
With tortilla chips.

Athangoo
(youthink, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 18:39, Reply)

one from a long time lurker...

what has two legs and bleeds?

half a dog

:)
(norman the goat 's got 3 legs, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 18:25, Reply)

Women...
...outside the kitchen.

(i'm single and i'm happy with it)
(lifelikeandposeable, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 17:59, Reply)

one i made myself (should i be proud?)
Whats the worst type of person to have at your party?


A disabled person.
(Ash_Pow is now available in extra medium, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Nursery rhymes...
I got emailed these and laughed muchness. Not totally grim, juste un peu amusant, et a bit wrong...
I guess you have to tell them to a 5 yr old for full effect.


Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her Thighs.
Mary had another skirt that was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her....
..well, she didn't wear that one very often


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her knickers all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with the horn.


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.


Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
(Imp of destruction, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 17:20, Reply)

an one more before i go
Michael Jackson was in the hospital as his girlfriend was having his first child. The labour was long and arduous, and she is asleep when he arrives. He motions the doctor over.
"Tell me doctor" he say in a hushed voice, "how long before can we have sex?"
"Michael!", the doctor admonishes, "you could at least wait till it starts walking"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 17:16, Reply)

Not gonna read through 33 pages to see if these are repeats...soo
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.

How do you crucify a retard?
With a swastika.

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
Both have little boys pants half-off.

What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger
(Motionless Detector, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

Maternity Waiting Room
Doctor rushes up to nervous young father-to-be.

Doc: 'Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have good news, and bad news.'

Mr Smith: 'Crikey, better give me the bad news first.'

Doc: 'I'm afraid your baby son is ginger.'

Mr Smith: 'So what's the good news?'

Doc: 'He's dead.'
(Squirrel with a gun, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 16:51, Reply)