Common gaffes of the male of the species
As I have previously mentioned, I have been spending some time (too much time) on dating sites recently to get over my broken heart. It isn't working.

But what it has been doing is providing me with amusement. One afternoon of laughing at profiles motivated me into writing this list. I have screenshot evidence of some of the worst.

RULES FOR PROFILE PHOTOS ON DATING SITES:

How is using your wedding photo in any way a good idea?!

Following the same logic, pictures of you with your ex (or current? after all, how do we know?) girlfriend confuse us. Are you still clinging on to a past relationship? Are you still in fact with her and planning to cheat? We pity her. Or is she in fact your sister? We don't know!

Put your tongue away. Nobody wants to see it.

Or up your hairy nose.

And put that away too. It may be big, it's almost certainly funny, but it's not clever.

Do not show a pic where you are surrounded by scantily clad young girls. You may think it makes you look desirable. It doesn't... it makes you look egotistical and shallow, and any woman looking at it will automatically feel insecure about her cellulite.

It's all very well showing us your body, but no matter how nice it is we want to see your face too. And if it's too nice we will assume that you will spend more time looking at your own body than you will looking at ours.

If you are a skinny teenager, please don't show us your body.

Also, we know all your tricks, like standing with your hands in your armpits pushing out your biceps, or puffing out your chest (which actually makes you look a bit constipated). And blatant flexing makes us think "poser"...

Posing pouches... eww :(

Pictures taken of yourself naked in the bathroom mirror are a big turn off. We don't want to see where you poo... or worse.

If your photo shows more than one person, how do we know which one is you? And we might find one of the subjects very attractive... but it will probably turn out to be your best mate, and then you'll be sorry.

You may love your kids very much, and we may find them cute, but it's slightly unfair to use them in this way, don't you think?

Your dog might be your best friend but a picture of you up close and personal with him puts us off the idea of getting physical with you.

If we want to see what you look like while you're sleeping we'll do it in person. And wake up next to you.

Out of focus, dark, grainy mobile phone pictures show a lack of effort on your part.

Put them the right way up! It's not rocket science!

I probably shouldn't speak for the rest of womankind, but if in your photo your face is obscured by your camera or phone as you photograph yourself in the mirror, it just makes me laugh.

Gurning makes you look like a simpleton.

Don't stand in front of a window. You look like you're being electrocuted.

Objects behind you such as chandeliers or large plants will give you the appearance of having antennae.

Take off your shades.We want to look into your eyes...

You may have a "bright" or even "loud" personality, but if you are wearing a shirt to match we will not notice anything else.

If you are holding a can of lager, we will assume you are a lout.

Especially if you are shiny and obviously drunk. We will envisage embarrassing scenes of irresponsible behaviour and having to clean up your sick.

If you are with a group of friends all holding cans of lager and obviously drunk we will click "next" without a pause, as it contravenes at least three rules. And yet it's surprising how many of you do this...

Do not post pictures of yourself giving the photographer the finger.

Pictures of random objects such as flowers, sunsets or fast motorbikes may be nice, but we want to see you, not what you like looking at. What are you hiding?

If you are standing next to a famous person, you are not basking in their reflected glory... you are obscured by it.

If you do show your face - don't scowl, smile! It doesn't hurt. You may think you look mean and moody, but actually you look depressed, surly and/or arrogant.

Overly arty shots don't make you look creative, they make you look pretentious.

Make an effort... If you care about your appearance, so will we. You might not notice the curry stains on your T shirt, but we will.

On that note, caught mid-gobble while stuffing your face is unattractive.

We all know the tricks of portraiture... so if your photo is shot from an unusually strange angle or with extreme lighting we will know that you are trying to show us your best side - and more to the point, hide your worst side. It will be conspicuous by its absense.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as too much information. A close up of your sweaty hairy moobs is too much for a first impression. And you might be proud of them, but we would like to discover your tattoos ourselves.

Don't lie! Grabbing an image of a hot young stud and passing it off as yourself will only lead to disappointment all round. And don't lie about your age, or your height. No good will come of it.

Don't even get me started on what you guys write in your blurbs...

(I confess I may be a tad picky... I dismiss every profile with comments such as "too short", "bad hair", "eyes too close together", etc, when really for all of them it's "HE'S NOT MY EX"... Sad I know but I can't help it. I am trying to get over him...)

(Also, before anyone accuses me of bias, I have seen the wimmins profiles too, and we are just as bad so the same list of rules applies. Well, tweaked a bit. I haven't had any wimmin flashing their cocks at me).

(Yet).
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:10, 16 replies)

yes to all of this
yes again
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:20, closed)

worse still, not even on a dating site.
for some weird reason, i got a facebook friend request off this. obviously i've ignored it.

www.facebook.com/people/Chris_Hill/593217157

unfortunately there are too many girls who encourage them by posting comments to their profile picture. "babe, Ur a HOTTIE! lol! xxx"

Eurgh.
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:33, closed)

Eurgh indeed.
For once, I wish it had been "I Love Horses"
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:57, closed)

His profile pic
looks like he is touching his willy.
(hutchers, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 17:17, closed)

*Checks profile*
Your inbox exploded yet?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:40, closed)

It exploded
with two messages.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 1:29, closed)

Excellent
So perceptive and totally true!
( Itsallsugar is made up of bits of names, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:59, closed)

blokes
just a basic pic of you smiling will do.

unless you're shane macgowan.
( gypsy turnips, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:22, closed)

But what if,
Like me, you look utterly retarded if you smile in photos? I don't like the fact that I instinctively pout if a camera is anywhere near me any more than you do, but there's only about four photos of me smiling naturally in existence. Seriously. Friends actually make a point of commenting on facebook photos where I look happy. I can't help it, I'm totally emo.

Don't think I'm a culprit for any of the others though. Maybe there's a few pretentious ones, but thats just because my mate's a budding photographer who wants his friends to model for him constantly.
(jabboy, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:11, closed)

that made my eyes water
I thought Match Not Com was bad, but obviously not! That is a fine collection of desperate losers (and i should know!)After three years, i have come to the conclusion that internet dating is so not the way forward! that montage really did make me laugh! Nice one. I think i may have met the Hulk though.....
( Itsallsugar is made up of bits of names, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 20:42, closed)

Haha soz
for making it look like you're talking random bollocks, I moved the post :)

The worrying thing is not how many I included, but how many I left out.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 21:20, closed)

I was slightly perturbed...
Thought i was being a bit slow (are we allowed to say that these days?!)But will get over it!Glad to see that other folks are appreciating the wrongness of your educational slide-show!!! Again...nice one!!!!
( Itsallsugar is made up of bits of names, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:50, closed)

My favourite 'net dating profile gaffe....
...was one girl whose picture was with her previous guy, but she had mosaiced out the now ex boyfriend. It was slightly chilling.
(radio_shak has questions, got answers, on, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 23:14, closed)

I've seen similar
There have been a few where people have been badly "removed" from pictures. One unfortuntate girl was coloured in, in a scribbly way, in white.

NB to all - the accompanying slideshows of gruesome screenies are over the page
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 12:36, closed)

Nice post
One bit of advice about internet dating: be persistent. Don't be too dis-heartened by the lack of interesting profiles. They're out there - you gotta find 'em.

Oh, and I recommend http://www.matchmaker.com/
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 13:47, closed)

I'm crap at relationships...
I should probably join one of these t'interweb dating sites.

*surfs*
( snee held his breath since, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 14:39, closed)