Warmfuzzy's post reminds me...
Profile rules for women

Girls give us guys a hard time for our profiles, but the fact is that with false nails, eyelashes, push-up bras, hold-in pants, high heels and hair extensions, the odds are that whatever the girl looks like in the photo, most of it is either kept in a jar, or in a wardrobe, so there are a few rules we tend to keep in mind when checking out the ladies. If you don't wish to fall into these categories, be honest and show us the *real* you.

1) The old photo trick. Yes, you might have looked amazing when you were on that holiday to Ibiza, but that was before the kids/chardonnay and chocolate binges after your ex left/you got hit by the ugly stick. We might try to hide the receding hairlines, or suck in the tummy a bit, but when you expect Elle McPherson and what appears to be Ermintrude the cow hoves into view, the odds are you aren't getting lucky. If that is the case, don't then tuck into a bucket of KFC whilst your girlfriends point out that it must be the guy's fault - see above.

2) "I'm crazy, me!" No, no you're not - anyone claiming to be wacky, crazy, mad for a laugh, etc, is generally thick as pigshit and works in Gregg the Bakers, or some other deadend, brain-numbing job. You're looking to get laid, not win Britain's Got Talent, ffs.

3) We all know that girls can be...emotional, shall we say? Especially around the time they are scarfing maltesers by the lorryload and keeping Always in business, but please don't put "moody", "unpredictable", "emotional" or similar as one of your attributes. At best we think of you as the girl who ends up crying voer her shoes with mascara running down her face at the end of the evening. At worst, you are Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

3) Look, let's be frank, you're on a dating site to look for a guy. Maybe he'll be the one you marry, maybe it'll be a one-night thing, but for God's sake, don't start out thinking that you'll only ever message/MSN/meet a guy who agrees to marriage as soon as you email him. If he does, believe me, you don't want him and if he doesn't, it's because he thinks you're a crazy stalker. Be normal, I don't care if your Ex jilted you at the alter, the next guy along has nothing to do with that and you're going to terrify him.

4) Don't listen to your girly mates about what to write - if you want a man, ask a male friend for advice. If you want a pack of shrieking drunken harpies, continue to follow the advice of the bitter group of lambrini drinkers that are sat in your flat on a friday evening, as opposed to enjoying their stunningly succefful relationship with Brad Pitt.

5) You might look great for your age. You could, in fact, be Princess Leia, but the fact is that if you put 25 on your profile and you can remember the 80s before they were "retro", then you are in danger of veering into "mutton dressed as lamb" territory. Be honest - most guys are tired of trying to appease self-centred, neurotic chavettes in order to find a partner, so you'll probably have the pick of the field if you don't look like a pitbull.

6) Realise the fact you are on a dating site means that you are saying "I am single, I am lonely and I am up for a bit of rumpy-pumpy" - Guys are there to get laid and *maybe* find a long term girlfriend, if you go on their looking for a husband and refuse everything other than a proposal, you're going to be disappointed and get a reputation as either a) frigid, or b) a tease. Neither makes you popular and the responses you'll get will not help your self-esteem. If you approach things correctly, you may well find your true love, but if the worst case scenario is a few enjoyable flings, does it really matter if you don't? Closing your mind to anything apart from your ultimate end goal is not going to get you anywhere and you'll become bitter and shrewish to any man who does then approach you - potentially rejecting the one guy who really would be perfect for you.

7) Don't be pious. You might not drink, smoke, eat meat, drive a car, or have a carbon footprint, but we're not all like you. A lot of us like to enjoy life and, as we're considerate, would not smoke if it offended you. However, if you agree to meet a smoker who drinks at a pub, don't be surprised if he orders a pint and nips out for a fag. Don't believe you can "change" us for the better - we're happy how we are, so if you don't like what you see, ask if there is any flexibility or just get over it and accept the fact that a pint on a friday evening does not equate to wife-beating alcoholism.

I think that's about it. By the way, I met my wife over t'interweb, so I do know of which I speak - we were just honest and open with each other.

Don't take offence - this is all meant light-heartedly, but I do think that sometimes you girls get totally the wrogn idea about what some of these sites are about.... :-)
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:09, 30 replies)

Decoder...
"Bubbly" = fat, loud and only just able to spell "IQ".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:12, closed)

there are more...
cuddly = keeps the local chippy in business

flirtatious = your penis will fall of if you so much as look at her

soulful = miserable/moody/Emo

mature = looks like Pat Butcher

open-minded = you'll be strapped into her swingers dungeon within 20 minutes of meeting her. Order your own drinks to avoid rohypnol.

Curvaceous = Round.

Also, avoid anyone with a pretentious username - anything from Gothic horror or names of philosophers always spells disaster. We all know that Gothique_Vampyress_24 is going to be a fat biffer who thinks that corsets and long tight skirts are a good look for someone wider than they are tall. They will also probably write the sort of poetry that will make you pray for the Vogons to give a recital instead...
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:22, closed)

Moreover...
"Spiritual" = brain-dead. With scented candles and a dreamcatcher.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:39, closed)

Have you seen?
this: www.listopia.co.uk/list.php?l=179
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:52, closed)

42
Have a click for mentioning Vogon poetry :)
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:18, closed)

Lolz
As I said in my caveat, I've seen the wimmin and they can be godawful too. Nice to see the blokey take on it.

And I feel vindicated that I haven't actually broken any of these rules myself :)
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:20, closed)

having read your post...
I wish you well in the search - you seem like a nice lass and I am sure someone out there would give their left arm to look after you :-)

In the meantime, browse a bit and try a few different types - hell, after I split with my ex I thought I was looking for a tall blonde with blue eyes, but I married a short green-eyed redhead (well it's purple now). Change is a good thing!
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:32, closed)

Aw thanks
*blushes a bit*

I think you're right about change. I guess the problem is just that I am still in love with ex, and I don't want to be. So as hard as I try to be open minded about potential new mates really I am subconsciously trying to find a substitute to fill the hole he has left in my soul, which just ain't gonna happen and I know it. (I could've made that sound more dirty).

Maybe best leave the whole thing alone until time has healed... In fact, my ex stole my heart when I wasn't expecting it coz I wasn't looking, being finally happy on my own for the first time in my life... I should learn from that.

Anyway what use is a one armed bloke?

edit: prolly very useful actually, I used to know a one armed man and he ran a hardware shop, I am not discriminating against the limbally challenged phew, got out of that one
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 14:07, closed)

You're not the only one
I can sympathise. Every time I think I'm getting close to starting to get over my ex, the crashing reality that I haven't begun to move on hits me square in the face. We're still great friends, she's still completely hot, and also she doesn't seem to be able to move on, but we both know that logically a relationship can't work.

Frustration!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 14:43, closed)

Snappity snap
You're not my ex are you?

Ah no... me and mine sadly aren't "great friends" any more as he has broken off contact with me as it is too painful, since whenever we see each other we want each other so much it makes us walk funny... Not to mention all the emotional stuff, like the fact that we were going to get married and everything...

Think I might just preface all my posts with a big flashing sign reading EMO ALERT. I'm starting to get on my own nerves with it now.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 14:57, closed)

Scarily
We're exactly the same, my ex and I, including the wedding plans and the walking funny! We haven't broken contact, I tried for a couple of weeks, but it was too hard for both of us.

I'd love to get back together with her, but we split for a reason, one that I know is true, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:03, closed)

Heh
This QOTW does seem to be unleashing a torrent of emo, doesn't it? Ditto for me, though I still think I'm too young to be using dating sites to get over my Goethe period. The social lubricant of being at uni has gone now though, it can't be more than a few years till I give in at get on match.com, considering my complete inability to talk to women I don't know.
(jabboy, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 18:56, closed)

solace seeking
having also read your reply to my post last week, i'm guessing you probably do the same [cringey] thing that i used to do whenever i met anyone i enjoyed spending time with.

i really didn't think i did talk about him all the time, but i suppose anyone you've spent too much time with is bound to come up in little anecdotes etc.

and most guys won't say anything until they have been filed under "good mates".

it's easy to have a reasonably decent profile on a dating site (and not doing any of the things in your other post) - the problem is not backtracking later on.

chin up and hope things work out for you!
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:06, closed)

*solidarity hug*
Thank you, and yes... it pains me to admit it, you're right about that... Much as I am conscious of trying not to mention his name every other sentence it does have a tendency to splurge out of my mouth before I can stop it.

Chin up to you too :)

Maybe we should just go to Lebanon.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:11, closed)

I keep telling everyone what an old wrinkly bint I am.
Doesn't stop them wanting a bit of blouse : )
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:32, closed)

exactly!
There's someone for everyone, so why bother being someone we're not?
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:46, closed)

hehe
Thus speaks a bitter man.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:35, closed)

bitter? no...
battle-scared? oh yes...
I believe I have posted some of my internet dating stories in an earlier QOTW. Frankly, all any of us wants is for the profiles to be honest - that way we might have a snowball in hell's chance of finding someone we can get on with. People who lie or are promoting themselves in an unrealistic way are only wasting their time - after all, if you make stuff up and it works and you pull, it'll all fall apart when you meet the person you tricked - they will soon see if you're not a blonde 25 year old model as you waddle up to them, won't they?
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:45, closed)

I completely agree with you
But some of the men on those sites are exactly the same.

The worse ones are those who write: "I've been hurt, need TLC"

F**king saps!

All dating (internet or otherwise) requires an individual who is happy in themselves before going out to meet their next spouse/partner/f**kbuddy!

All dating websites should have a tick-box that says "Are you quite happy single?" And if they don't tick that box, you could have the option of not seeing any of those profiles.

It would also make the "desperates" easier to find each other.

By the by: I met Mr. Jugular on match.com, never been happier
(Jugular, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 14:44, closed)

Change Men?
ALL women think they can and to be honest i think it's their Primary mission in life - their mothers should tell them early on "look, you won't be able to change him completely - don't get mad when it blows up in your face"

It would save soooooooooooo much time AND women getting mad alot
(TheManofScience, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:24, closed)

the singer in my band is my best mate
and has been single for a while and my gf and her female friends try to set him up with people or say "this girl is his type and she wouldn't mind a project"

it pisses me off. why do women feel they have the right to try and make these changes to the way men are?

because they are all manipulative shrews that's why
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:43, closed)

Me? Nooooo
I really don't want to change anyone. I love the fact that the world is full of such diversity.

Merely pointing out how I (and prolly others) react to images which are posted forth into the public domain to, apparently, attract and encourage me/womankind into wanting to spend time with the subjects.

Stay the same wonderful person you undoubtedly are... and accept (as I do since I won't be changing for anyone either) that there will many people who won't be jumping into bed or marriage with you :)
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:01, closed)

I wasn't implying that you did
and I fully agree with what you've said about the pictures and profiles.

same old story though, people are stupid and therefore get in their own way.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:15, closed)

Ah good.
Was just a teensy bit worried I'd not quite got the hang of this whole "knowing your audience" lark having only just come out of lurking.

Actually I am a shameful people pleaser. Get inexplicably upset if I think I've pissed anyone off, even (or especially) when they are right.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:27, closed)

the other thing that gets me...
Is that we are supposed to accept every fault, foible and personality defect that a girl we are set up with has.

Think about it - your friend gets set up with a girl you missus recommends and they will say "well, he's nice, but he watches football, I don't like his clothes, he spends too much time with his mates and I don't like the music he plays. Oh and he needs a better job in order to look after me better."

Now reverse the roles. Your friend gets set up with the same girl and says to your missus, "well she's ok, but she watches utter crap on TV, she's like satan when she's on the blob, she listens to bloody Girls Aloud, she doesn't swallow, won't take it up the dirtbox and last week the silly bitch put the DVDs back in the wrong cases, thus causing me to spend four hours looking for a film because I didn't know which one of the 1000 cases it was in. Oh, and she's put so many soddiing cushions and throws everywhere that there is no room left to sit on the sofa or sleep on the bed. You need to sort her out, or she's out on her arse."

Then stand back and watch the fireworks. I am all for sexual equality, but it cuts both ways, ladies - you can't take it as carte blanche that you can mould us into some metrosexual twat, unless we get to turn you into a dirty slut.... :-)
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:23, closed)

changing people, or finding them?
I am still indebted to a certain ex-boyfriend who taught me, erm, things.

That sounds so crude and vulgar. No, I'm not a CHW or anything like that. I'm just not lamenting the loss of a naive attitude.
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:44, closed)

well done that man!
I applaud his efforts and think I speak for the group when ask: "what talents?"

I think the point is that we have TV shows where a woman takes her husband and gives him to a bunch of gay guys to pretty him up and make him more like her ideal man (gay?). Where is the TV show where a guy gets to take his wife to a bunch of stripppers and they sluttify her for him?

Now, that's a show I'd watch. Along with the out-takes from Supernanny where she beats seven shades of snot out of the little bastards and then recommends the mouth-breathing parents for sterilisation to prevent them breeding further... at times the world makes me an angry, angry man.... heh
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:53, closed)

Sluttify me
I'd do that show! It's my secret ambition to be a pole dancer.
(Lady of leisure, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:20, closed)

I like the way you think
and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 21:07, closed)

6 and 3 are kind of the same
Also: If you're claiming to be 33, don't write as though you're 12. Write a complete sentence, using complete words - with punctuation and capital letters in the appropriate place. txt spk does not make you look fun and youthful, it makes you look retarded.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 11:27, closed)