Playing trivial pursuits. The question was, "what was the first craft in space?"

The answer my nan gave?

"Knitting"
(gazstewi, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:38, 4 replies)

Textiles GCSE
And another one!

A good friend at school had just taken the written exam for her GCSE in textiles. A group of us had just had our respective exams and were comparing notes on how it had gone and which questions we'd chosen for the last question, a case study or project style question, worth about 30% of the mark.

She said "I did the one about the phone."

The others who had also done the paper looked puzzled...

She added "You know, 'Design a child's mobile'

Did I mention it was a textiles exam. We cried. And this was in the 90's when nobody even had mobile phones!
(Reymondo, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:24, 1 reply)

Traffic safety
My mother once told me that the reason for the ticking noice when the green man comes on is so that the deaf people knows when it's safe to cross the street.
( bakelit72 something really clever, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:20, 5 replies)

Face palm on a plane
I was on a flight back from New York; the flight was nearly over and the plane was stacking over London. As we circle over the capital one of the female teenage passengers on the row behind (who had been a little loud but not too irritating for the flight) looked out of the window and declared "Hey! London Bridge!". I thought "hang on..." (looking out of the window it wasn't even Tower Bridge) but before I could think further she corrected herself "Well I don't know if it is London Bridge - but it's in London, so Hey! London Bridge!!"

I decided it wasn't worth the effort.
(An Alien sneezed on Bill Oddies binoculars, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:16, 4 replies)

City boys...
Whilst at work, one of the guys on my team (age 33, Essex) came across a fact in a pseudo-science news article along the lines of how many thousand earths it would take to fill the sun. He then pipes up "I wonder how many earths it would take to fill the moon."

Thinking he'd just slipped up I said "You mean how many moons it would take to fill the earth?" ...There ensued the most unbelievable debate as to which was bigger, it actually split the team, two of the guys convinced that the moon was bigger.

In the end the other of the two Googled it and declared "It's OK guys I've found the answer, we're actually all right. It says here that there is conflicting opinion and that nobody really knows."

OMG
(Reymondo, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:04, 1 reply)

Berlin...
Playing trivial pursuit on xmas with her family, my sis on laws team gets the question 'What is the capital of Germany?' Its her mum to answer. She says 'oh do you want me to give you a hint, mum?' Sure.

"Ok, you eat them with your Xmas dinner!" Puzzled looks all round. Eh? choruses the rest of the room. "you eat them with your xmas dinner! sprouts, you know!'

"do you mean Brussels?" someone replies "Brussels isn't the capital of Germany!"

"oh?!" sis laws replies "Well, what is it then?"

Her mum replies "Its Berlin."

"Berlin? Berlin? Is that a city?" comes the reply "I thought that was just a wall."

Awesome.
(lady v loves spacehoppin foxes, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 19:57, Reply)

37???
You mean I've got to drink this coffee hot???
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 19:32, 2 replies)

English lessons back in 1977
I was brand new to my high school (Northolt High, for anyone interested) and my class were having an english lesson with the very strict but excellent teacher Mrs Masters. We were having a lesson on collective nouns, and the usual suspects were reeled out by my fellow classmates ie pride of lions, flock of geese etc. One of my newly acquainted students was a chap called David, and he was eager to come up with a good collective noun to please Mrs Masters with. All the good ones had mostly gone by then and he must have been a bit panicky because when I leaned across to him and whispered a "helpful" answer to him, he looked delighted and shot his hand up in eagerness. The whole class collectively pissed themselves as my gullible buddy proudly said in a clear and loud voice "a zook of hogs".
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 19:07, 7 replies)

Just this morning...
...whilst discussing holiday plans my wife asked me if there were airports in California!
(Chopper3, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 19:01, 2 replies)

Geography
Taking my other half to York for the weekend for his birthday a few weeks ago (he doesn't drive) and as we're getting closer he says, "so we're going south now then?" (we live in Derby) To which I reply "south? To York? Where did you think it was?" His reply "near London" to which I'm pretty much gob smacked "How the hell did you think it was near London? You know where Yorkshire is don't you? York's in Yorkshire!" He then looks completely bemused and tells me he thought he'd been there before, and was sure it was near London, but it might have been Bath, in fact, yes, it was Bath he was thinking of. To which I reply, "Bath's not near London either! Do you even know where you come from?" (Wolverhampton) To which he replies that he thought Wolverhampton was also north of Derby... Forgot to add....he's 37....
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 18:58, 1 reply)

Educated types at uni...yeah right
Despite being from the inbred backwaters of darkest Somerset I some how managed to gain enough wisdom and education to get me to uni, what scared me most were the city types and their lack of knowledge on the real world.

One poor lass from inside the M25 had only seen cows on tv or tiny things in fields from the motorway, never knew if cow tipping was real or not.

Anyway I happily convinced her that potatoes grew on trees but due the french for spud being pomme de terre or literally apple of the earth and the reason they were muddy was due to only being ripe when they had fallen to the earth from the tree. Bless her for falling for that one.

She did however think it was a wind up when I said there were streets or rather lanes that didn't have pavements or even street lights. I'm pretty positive that the area round Chard isn't the only part of the world not to have such a luxury.
(bluehamster, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 18:57, 2 replies)

adoreable beats know-it-all.
As a teenager I was arguing with a young lady of my acquaintance, about her alleged lack of knowledge of the world.

"I bet you don't even know who Winnie Mandela is!" I sneered (this was the 1980s).

"Nelson Madela's teddy?"

Still melts my heart 20 years later.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 17:52, 4 replies)

I'm a bad dad
Once while downloading pics to my pc my daughter noticed one of the Edinburgh tattoo office "what's that all about then?" she asks,I couldn't resist it honest " well the council in Edinburgh is a bit miffed with the number of students going about with tattoos, so now you have to get a permit to get one and if you have more than two you've got no chance" she was livid! flounced off and im'd all her mates telling them of the oppressive council and its dastardley deeds.

I didnt take a picture of the fringe office that would be too mcuh
( Dill, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 17:51, 1 reply)

My ex-brother-in-law
was doing the crossword. His teenage son, who was studying GSCE Spanish, was in the room.

Dad: What's Spanish for tomorrow?
Son: Manana
Dad: Doesn't fit.
Son: Could be viernes (Spanigh for Friday, as it was Thursday)
Dad: Nope. Not long enough.
Son: No idea then!
Dad: (getting annoyed) Thought you were the Spanish student?
Son: I don't know any other words for tomorrow.
His Dad then gets the hump and leaves the room.

Turns out that it was Tuesday's paper and the word required was Miercoles.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Sat 20 Mar 2010, 17:30, Reply)

Who's that?
A couple of years ago I was visiting Venice. Venice in ITALY. I really wanted to visit the famous CHURCH, St Mark's Basillica, I'm not religious but I thought it'd be cool to have a look around such a famous CHURCH and soak up a bit of culture.

Once I got inside the CHURCH, I joined a queue of people making their way around, looking at the paintings and figures on the walls and ceiling. Painted on the ceiling of the dome of this famous CHURCH was a bearded chap with a rather beatific look and a circle of light behind his head. Seated around this back-lit guy on the ceiling of this CHURCH in ITALY, were painted 12 other similarly bearded gents. It looked as if the twelve guys were some sort of followers of the first, disciples, if you will.

Now, such an image painted on the ceiling of a FAMOUS CHURCH in ITALY must have some significance. I obviously wasn't the only one with an enquiring mind: the large American woman in front of me turned to her husband, who was also transfixed by the mysterious chap on the ceiling, as said: "Gee, do you think that's King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?"...


You know, I think it could have been.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Watching a TV program and there was something about heart attacks
The mrs: "Would you like to die?"

Me: "No love, I wouldn't like to die."

The mrs: "I mean, would you like to die of a heart attack?"
(Surfeit, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:58, Reply)

This is what apprentices are for
Working at a specialised lighting company many moons ago, we convinced the new-from-school gofer that if we didn't have a fluorescent tube the right length we'd just shorten one of the longer ones. He also swallowed the story about the mig welder being used to weld wood . . .

Wilf, where are you now?

Probably earning a 4king sight more than me.
(The Jannie, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Too quick ones
When taking demographic stats, as is the annual tradition, a teacher enquiring as to language spoken at home refused to believe one poor student who said her mother spoke Irish at home, claiming that the Irish just spoke English with an accent. This teacher's name was Miss O'Rourke.

In an exam in high school science, the questioned posed: Hydrogen can exist in which states: Solid, Liquid, Gas. Marking all three, I was some what perturbed to have it marked incorrect. The teacher insisting that there was no liquid hydrogen. Pursuing the matter, I pointed out that liquid hydrogen is the fuel used in rockets. He conceded that might be true, but it wasn't in the course, and it wouldn't make much difference to my mark. Man's a squidging retard.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:52, 2 replies)

Pretty sure this counts...
My mum's ignorance, but I think I win the prize for stupidity.

I was about 20. Home for the summer from uni. Just before leaving I had picked up a quarter of cheap, homegrown weed. It turned out to be pretty shit. Damp as fuck and gave you a headache when smoking it. So I tried to dry it over the only source of heat I had readily available in a vaguely private area - my computer fan.

My mum enters the room. She looks straight at the bag. I shit myself.

"Is that a dongle?"
"...what?"
"A dongle."

I look at her, incredulously.

"No.. that's called a stash."
"A what?"
"A stash."

She looks at me, puzzled. It dawns on her a half-second later. She raises her eyebrows and draws breath, as my stomach sinks as I realise what I've done.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:45, Reply)

On the subject of Americans
Waiting for a train in Newcastle heard one American tourist say to another "it's so useful that they built the castle right next to the train station"
(Jezziah, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:14, 1 reply)

Working as a waiter
one woman asked for diet water.

Yes, she was American
(Jezziah, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 16:07, 2 replies)

Thick as
Overheard whilst waiting to be served recently -

One Morrisons deli counter staff member to her manager: "what animal does ham come from?"

The opportunity to butt in with "hamsters!!" was too much for me to resist. She actually seemed to believe me, until I kindly explained where it really comes from. Poor thing.
(Katabatic wasn't, and will never be on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 15:37, Reply)

When I was about 9
I somehow thought 'pedestrian' was pronounced 'Pedestranian' and meant people from the country Pedestrania, which I had some vague idea was near Hungary.
I think of it every time I read a 'pedestrians this way' sign by the road :) silly me
( zozamaroo, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 15:15, Reply)

my small business mentor
from a course I finished recently.

I explained that I hadn't started the business on schedule, because I was getting far less income from my existing hobby business than I'd planned for, leaving no spare money to buy the initial stock for this new business.

Should I, I wondered, get a special loan for people who'd done this course, which would allow me to borrow a smaller than usual amount at unusually low interest?

No, that'll take too much time. Just get a credit card.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Back in my salad days
When I was at university, I was often asked what course I was taking. Early on, my usual reply was BA or Bachelor of Arts, which often lead people to probe further. Given that my major area of study was Italian language, I took to replying a Bachelor of Arts in Italian.

However, a Bachelor of Arts in Italian was still confusing to some. "How does that work?" being a common question, them thinking that it was like a regular degree but using the Italian language as medium for the educational process.

Although, I wonder now about those that took the Bachelor of Arts response at face value, and may have believed me to be studying fine art.

My advice to those considering higher education: don't do it, It's a right pain trying to explain it.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 14:54, 5 replies)

Prol a fave
An American gentleman, claiming to be an expert in his field, writes an article on anomy in relation to rehabilitation programmes for people with disabilities and makes the claim that anomy and anonymity come from the same lexical root.

What an idiot.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I got a crapload of these
but here's one to illustrate the problem of being to clever for your own good.

Mr Cleverpants trying to be clever says every so smugly, "Yeah, I been to America. You don't know anything about it. You probably think Kansas City is in Kansas".

Funny thing is that a good part of Kansas City is in Kansas. And it has to be the most inane piece of trivia to roll out to lord over someone.

But that's my opinion on trivia in general. Trivia is to intelligence what silicone is to breasts. It's there to give the appearance of a desirable trait.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 14:21, 2 replies)

People who refer to a British accent.
Let me point out that England, Scotland and Wales are all in Britain.

Someone from Glasgow does not have the same accent as someone from Guildford or Cardiff.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 20 Mar 2010, 14:19, 9 replies)

Some people believe that
the world was created by a big fella with a beard!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 20 Mar 2010, 14:17, 3 replies)

Cars
I used to work in a car parts shop, and regularly encountered customers who should not have been allowed to control a car on a public road.
Hardly a day would go by without encountering someone who doesn't know what make and model of car they own, and some people didn't even know what colour of car they owned!
Common sense was often a rarity, but one chap stood out in particular. It turned out he was a secondary school physics teacher - a man charged with educating children. He came in and told me a red warning light was lit on his cars dash and could I have a look. I went out to the carpark to see a crusty old Nissan. He started it and the oil pressure warning light remained lit. I asked when he had last checked the oil.
"...oil?"
I explained that cars needed oil and his was likely to be very low on oil. I suggested he check it and fill it as needed, which would likely put the light out. I explained that he may have done long-term damage but on an old car it would probably soldier on for a while yet. He seemed happy and off I went.
He came back in ten minutes later and told me the light was now out, but there was a very large amount of smoke from the exhaust and could I come and have another look?
Out I went and spotted the three empty 5-litre oil containers.
"did you put all of that in the engine?"
"Well, most of it. Its full up to the top now"
"oh dear".
I explained the concept of a dipstick and how to check the level and told him he should let us give it an oil service to prevent more idiocy. He claimed not to have time for that and asked what he should do in the meantime so I cut the sides out of the oil containers to use as drain pans and loaned him a spanner for the sump plug, explained how to drain the oil off and told him to come and find me when it was all out. He came back into the shop ten minutes later filthy dirty, but smiling.
"its all out now"
I went outside to find maybe 6 litres spread between the 3 cans and the rest oozing across the carpark.
"sorry, I spilled a bit"
"...so I see" I filled it up for him and off I walked.
He came back 2 minutes later.
"I have another problem, Im am locked out of the car"
*sigh*
All the time we had been back and forth, he had been almost OCD about locking and unlocking the door every time it was opened or closed, and now he had managed to lock it and somehow leave the keys lying on the passenger seat. After a few minutes fiddling, I had opened the car for him (we had to do this quite often for similarly dippy customers so knew most of the tricks) which impressed him mightily. I handed him the keys and watched as he put the key in the lock and slammed the door shut, snapping the key cleanly off in the door.
"oh, what do I do now?"
"Oh Jesus Christ." *facepalm*
"I suggest you get a taxi home and come back with a spare key"
"I dont have a spare"

The car sat in the carpark for a couple of days until it was torched by the local feral kids one night.

A physics teacher ffs?
(dave likes cheese, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 13:53, Reply)