The hymen is broken.......
Okay, deep breath.....After three years of (mostly) chuckling at all the goings-on here, I've finally bitten the bullet and joined in. Like all great athletes, I shall be starting off with a warm-up exercise, nothing too strenuous, before 'going for gold'.....probably in another three years time. I always was a slow worker, so please bear with me.

In the mid-nineties, I had the 'pleasure' of being a driving instructor based in North London. One crisp, winter's morning, I was driving up Colney Hatch Lane on my way to Muswell Hill for my next lesson. All was well with the world. The rush-hour traffic had finally cleared, I had a shiny, new motor, money in my pocket, and my next pupil was a blonde in her early twenties, who on her first lesson wore a tracksuit which would have put Vicky Pollard to shame, but was now, following a few weeks of outrageous Clinton/Lewinsky-type flirting (but minus the cigar), wearing progressively shorter and shorter skirts and cleavage-enhancing tops. Lovely stuff!
I'm listening to Russ and Jono on Virgin (in those halcyon days before that (other) fat twat Moyles came along and fucked radio up the shit-pipe). They make a little joke, play a few risque sound-effects, a crap jingle or two, they may have even, heaven forbid, played a 'record'. Then they ask people to call in if they can do an impression. Obviously they were running out of material of their own. That type of comedy gold doesn't grow on trees, you know? Glory be, my chance for fifteen minutes of fame (again...but that's a story for another day. Don't you remember me saying this was merely a 'stretching' exercise? Do keep up).
I'm a little ahead of schedule, so I immediately check my mirrors, give the appropriate signal and park the car at the side of the road in a safe and legal place. Straight onto the phone, call the number, and whaddyaknow? I get through to a nice lady in the studio. I'm going to be famous....ish! Only problem is, in my rush I haven't actually thought of what it is that's going to make me as big as Yarwood. The nice lady asks me my name, where I'm from, etc, then the dreaded, what/who can you 'do'? ''I can 'do' Flipper the dolphin'', says I quick as a flash, and then give her a three second sample of said sound-alike. (Forefinger and thumb together, kiss the crack like it's your nan's cheek, if you want to try it yourself and impress members of the opposite sex.) She laughs and says to hold on, as I'll be on live as soon as the other two contestants are found.
So there I am, parked at the side of the road, practising my Flipper impression , nervously waiting. Finally, the moment comes. I'm up against a woman who ''makes the sound F1 cars make when they go past you'', and if I remember correctly, ''a sheep with a hiccup''. ''It's in the bag'', thinks I...and it turns out that Russ and Jono think so, too.
Okay, I admit the competition weren't exactly the Linford Christie's of the impressions world (i.e they didn't cheat and took massive drugs), but I like to think my unusual talent brought a little bit of laughter into somebody's dark and dreary life.
My prize? A Virgin Radio goody-bag, which I waited..and waited...aaaaand waited for, but never arrived. I'm pretty sure that baseball cap would have made a fine addition to my wardrobe. For weeks, I wondered what happened to that bag of goodies. I found out about a month later when, just as I was about to send Russ and Jono a stern letter from my lawyer threatening legal action, I saw my postman a few streets from my home, proudly wearing his bright red, Virgin FM baseball cap.
Okay, that bit I made up, but the rest is true. I did get to nail the blonde, though. After she'd passed her test of course. I am/was a professional, after all. Apologies for the length (fnnaarrr!), but these stories don't seem anywhere near as involved when they're in the old noggin!
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 16:33, 20 replies)

was your unusual talent
getting off with a girl?
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 16:54, closed)

I
Guess it was the dolphin noise, block text is a bitch on the eyes though. Apart from that well done for breaking your B3ta hymen.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 17:00, closed)

So, to conclude
You have an unusual talent, which is the ability to impersonate a dolphin.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 17:18, closed)

works for me
I tried to impersonate a dolphin and nearly drowned
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 17:45, closed)

I tried to imprison a dolphin and was arrested.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 17:58, closed)

HOW MANY TIMES. Hanging around a swiming pool rubbing yourself against disabled children
does not count as impersonating a Dolphin
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 23 Nov 2010, 21:34, closed)

imprison impregnate
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 24 Nov 2010, 9:46, closed)

...and he's had sex with a real woman

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 23 Nov 2010, 21:38, closed)

Nice first post.

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 18:22, closed)

^ seconded
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 23 Nov 2010, 18:57, closed)

Ni Hao Mao!
Good stuff on joining in. Given your cherry-popper, we're going to be richer for it.
( Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 22:04, closed)

Thanks
for the kind words. A little work on length and spacing next time, I think! As a postscript, the blonde turned out to be a nut-job, Russ and Jonno never seemed quite the same after the goody bag no-show, and it was probably the last time I ever did my Flipper impression. Maybe one day I'll get to Seaworld and engage a dolphin in conversation.........
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 3:12, closed)

!!
I thought Colney Hatch was a joke place like Pig's Elbow, Iowa.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 4:57, closed)

I didn't know honda accords came with dual controls
Its your brown cherry next
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 9:15, closed)

Nice read, click.
Other than the wall of text. And sex, lies etc, yawn.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:12, closed)

I once tried going swimming with a dolphin...
...couldn't get it through the turn-stile though.

Welcome to b3ta young person.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 16:53, closed)

Boom
tish!
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 5:28, closed)

That car
Honda was it?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 24 Nov 2010, 19:42, closed)

Yup...
..a Honda Effluent. Shit to drive, but great gas mileage.
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 5:30, closed)

haha!

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 11:40, closed)