Quite simply
Gina Ford. Give it a decade and you can attribute any depressed asbo ladened teen to her books.
However it could be worse, this is some seriously fucked up shit.
( moogy boobles, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Cool Parents
On the whole, my parents were pretty cool. They took me on fantastic holidays, pretty much encouraged me to run away and they even banned me from doing homework. Basically they made me the rather amazing person I am today.

Ahem.

But naturally they had their fair share of bad parent moments. I think the one which stands out the most is when my mother ran me over. Twice.

It was a gorgeously fabulous day, and I had just finished a day of work dodging at school. For some reason or other, dear Ma had to pick me up, and as she pulled in to the car park I stood up and moved to the side of the curb which her car consequently mounted.

Being a somewhat daydreamy child I didn't notice this, and the incident ultimately culminated in her parking on my foot. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt that much (at the time) and so Ma didn't immediately believe me when I told her. In fact, when I refused to get in the car, she got out to drag me in, at which point she saw and hastily got back in to roll the car forward...

...onto my other foot.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 18:11, Reply)

Posh hippies
I was at a wedding a few years ago and as I was waiting for it to begin I read the notes of the service.
The bride and groom were to be followed up the aisle by a "Hero & Isis."

"Aww, the pet labradors are part of the service, how cute" I thought as I pictured two dogs in top hats.

Sadly it turned out to be a pair of upper-middle class kids with big hair and bermuda shorts.

Even my 92 year old grandma wanted to bully them.
.
(sparks , oh, I don't know., Thu 16 Aug 2007, 18:05, Reply)

When i was a young boy
My dad took me into the city and we saw a marching band. Then halfway through the parade he went on a big rant and asked me to be a saviour or something.

Stupid parents

yours

Gerard Way
(Kuja335, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 18:03, Reply)

From the other side
I think I'm a brilliant parent - 2 weeks ago I went fishing with my son for the first time.

Caught loads - best bait I've ever used.






Yep, that's my coat.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:34, Reply)

For Rent
My parents would rent me out for childrens parties.
( Valin I changed glasses while I wasn't looking, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Forgot me at the hospital
I was 5 and had to be admitted into hospital to have my adenoids out. I was there for a whole week.

Collection day was Saturday and all the other parents picked their kids up one by one.

There were two of us left before the other kid got picked up. My parents were nowhere to be seen.

2 hours passed and I was playing jigsaws with a nurse who had frankly better things to do.

Shortly afterwards my parents charged in and explained to me that they had totally forgot to pick me up.
(a5972s, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:17, Reply)

You think you lot have had it bad?
My parents once made me eat the dog after it shat on the floor.

And they made a hat out of its bones, which i've had to wear ever since, because they glued it on.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:12, Reply)

711
I'm writing this on my PDA en route to hatfield, so apologies for length -- its how you use it that counts.

Well I digress, I was at a 711 (conveniance store) in the USA. I happened to see an albino chap at the counter.

He was very tall snow white hair and just generally scary! He was a nice guy though...

His nametag said "Earth Ling". I pissed myself laughing!

I asked him to confirm, he said it was true... bless him!

length? I already told you.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:11, Reply)

I have loads of these...
I will post when more pop into my head.

On one occasion, my sisters rabbit STARSKI (in hutch!) disappeared.

On the Sunday following my dad did the Sunday lunch and waited until we had all finished before announcing the meat was in fact rabbit!!

My sister leapt from her chair into the toilet and started retching for Britain!
(a5972s, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:08, Reply)

Not me, but...
... it seems like religious fundies are pretty terrible parents.

http://www.fstdt.com/

And I quote:

"Me and my husband is thinking about having a baby, but hestitate, because his brother (which we have no contact with whatsoever) is presumably gay. Might this affect the baby? Is there some precautions I can take, or some medicaments I can eat to make sure my child is pure? Thank you for your help, don't know what i'll do without you"

"ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.

ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!"

""Well my baby boy has been difficult to potty-train. He is past the age that he should be trained and I was getting really tired of it. I would sit him in the toilet for a long time and nothing would happen. When I would put him back in diapers, he would go! And I was sick and tired of it. So I got really mad, sat him in the potty and told him he had to "go". The baby started screaming and I got the idea that it was a demon. So I commanded it to manifest and give me his name. The baby continued screaming and saying: "You can't make me, you can't make me". I insisted in the demon telling me his name, so the Holy Spirit said: "That's his name, "you can't make me". I commanded it out. The baby had deliverance and he has been potty-trained since.""

(Insert "insert length joke here" here)
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Got my exam results today
upon calling my dad to tell him that I got into university his first words were:
"oh, I didn't think that you'd get the grades. Don't forget to call your grandmother"
thanks dad
first post, please be gentle
(alpha doesn't have a witty phrase to write here, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 17:02, Reply)

Grimace
My Mum used to pull vicious, angry faces at me until I cried then laugh at me with her mate, who was also my Godmother. She would then hug me and say sorry before doing it again.

She also used to threaten me by saying 'I'll smack your bum with knives until it bleeds!', which worked better with me than the naughty step does with my daughter.
(mudflaps, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:59, Reply)

Why I'm a terrible parent
Lovely time of year, I think "let's take the family to sunny Europe." We decide on a nice place, lovely view, good sights, nice bars, really good. One day my wife and I decided to nip out for a quick drink.

That was three months ago. Not seen the daughter since.

Oops.

Signed,
Gerry McCann.

EDIT: OK, I know you said no, but come on, a QOTW like this is asking for Maddy jokes.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:44, Reply)

Fun with Electricity
A minor blip from my otherwise saintly and long-suffering mother.

Cutting the grass was one of my jobs (old fella worked in London, we were in sunny Jockland)and we had a garden about the size of a footy pitch, but 200 yards long and down the side of a hill, so about 3 extension leads were required. On being asked to trim the jungle a bit I tried my tested skive method of 'the extension leads knackered'.

Oh no sez Mumsie, I fixed it. Bottoms. Off I trudge to haul the Flymo up the North Face of the Eiger.

Lead into socket, switch on (couldn't be arsed walking back up hill), connect next lead, amble on, plug mower into socket.... and wonder bemusedly why I am now upside down in a bush.

Once the world stopped going round I dragged my vibrating self back up the garden, switched off the mains and investigated. Not much of an electrician my mum - the concept of tightening those little screws was a bit beyond her...

Electrocuted by my own dear mum.

This is the same lady who nearly electrocuted anyone using the plumbing system in an entire hospital (don't ask).

And the same one who dropped me on my head on concrete when I was 6 months old. Her excuse? 'you wriggled'. Apparently I was 'a bit quiet' afterwards and to this day the back of my head is flat. No long lasting effects though (wibble, drool).

And where did she work? The Royal Hospital for Sick Children.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:34, Reply)

Short one
I'm a terrible parent - I don't even have a child.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:33, Reply)

Dont fuck with lawyers
My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothing bad, just minor spats. He loves doing really pointless but perfectly legal things. This is my absolute favourite petty revenge story of all time.

Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an office supplier, its about £3800. He contested it and basically dragged out payment for months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent someone round he'd pay them cash.

In the mean time, he went to the bank and after discussion with the bank manager, worked out what the legal minimum denomination of notes and coins could be used.

He also went to the garden centre and purchased a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin.

As it turns out, you can pay in coins. the resulting amount pretty much filled the dustbin - well 3/4 full. It was almost impossible to move. 4 guys from the office got it upstairs and hid it in Dad's office. They spent half an hour emptying all the coins from their bags.

The debt collectors arrived. Dad made them wait an hour or so for the hell of it. He came out and spoke to them argued the toss some more. Eventually dad 'caved' and pointed them in the direction of the money. Upon seeing it they groaned and muttered that theres no way they're going to take that. Prepared, Dad immediately hands them a piece of paper and says, fine, sign this. They ask what it is, "its to confirm that I offered you full payment and you refused to accept".

They sigh and give in. Dad asks for a reciept. They start counting. Dad has previously removed a pound or so earlier on.

A couple of hours later, they point out that its a pound down. Dad denies thats possible, maybe they should recount? They relent and fill out a reciept. They fill the bin back up and start dragging it to the lift. My dad watches on.

The lift arrives and they struggle to get it over the floor divider but panting, they finally get the thing in the lift. As the doors begin to close, my dad sticks his hand between the doors, forcing them to open again.

"Erm lads? Where are you going with my bin?"

My dads ace really.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Yet I'm still alive..
right parents well there are two of them so lets split it into mum and dad..

Mum:
-stopped the car on a country road and made me get out of the car then drove off... she circled round and came back 10 minutes later.. lucky there had been no other passer bys...

-threw me out of the house on a weekly basis, after the 30 or 40th time i didnt even pack my bags i'd just go into town come back and not venture out of my room until things blew over

-made be cook for myself from the age of 13 saying that as a teenager i was old enough to do it myself.

Dad (who I did not live with but visited on weekends)

-would swap my room around whenever he felt like it, i would go one week and my room would have become the office.

-gave all my stuff to his new kids when him and his new wife had kids

-moved said siblings to liverpool so i dont get to see them.

-chased me and my older sister round the house with an axe.. no lie he would literally chase us when we were 6 and 10 around the house with a fire axe shouting he want to see what out brains looked like...

but even after all that i grew up pretty well and am not a rapist, murder or criminal so is that proof that its not the parents fault?
(That Random Guy, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:26, Reply)

Dad
I wouldn't go a far as saying that my Dad was old fashioned but he wasn't present at the birth of either myself or my sister.

I actually remember the birth of my sister, Dad was at home looking after me. Well, I say looking after, he took to standing me naked on the front lawn and hosing me down with cold water in order to clean me up enough to put on a clean nappy.
(Tim K, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:25, Reply)

A bit off topic
Penn, Of 'Penn and Teller', TV Magician fame has a daughter.

Moxie CrimeFighter
(oeb, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:24, Reply)

More cruel names
I knew a bloke at uni called Tarquin.
Understandable if his parents had been posh and loaded, but he was from Woking and his dad was manager of the local Morrisons.
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 16:09, Reply)

Sod it, a stepfather story.
"oi, come downstairs!"

My brother and I dutifully come down.

"Right. I've brought some milk. You're not allowed to touch it."

*he spits in it*

"Now you've seen that, don't touch the milk."

This seems fairly reasonable in some screwed up way until you realise:
1. My father's maintaince money most likely paid for that milk.
2. We hadn't had a supermarket visit for over a month because my mother couldn't afford it, so I was to the stage of using my babysitting money to buy food.

He also liked hiding away stashes of "his" toilet roll as well, hiding yoghurts and fruit in "his" cupoard with a lock on, which then stunk the house out, yelling at us for hours if something was misplaced and start calling me a fat cow if any food went "missing".

His lack of a job for well... ten years and his coke habit managed to put my financially stable mother in 12k of debt. My mother was constantly reminded she was overweight, and thus then became anorexic and would live off glucose tablets and she'd often faint at work. He had constant affairs and, as it emerged in court, slept with 15 year old girls when they didn't have the money to pay for their drugs. My parents would still argue from time to time and every time it would happen, he would come into my room and blame me for "making my mother cry". I was constantly reminded how still being in education was "draining" my mother and making her stressed because I couldn't contribute lots of money towards rent and bills.

He was, and still is, a fuckhead.

My mother moved away from him back to London. I'm still too scared to go back to the town where I grew up in case I see him.

My father's partner refuses to have anything to do with us, so he didn't take us in, despite many pleas. I asked for boarding school, a loan to help live alone, anything. Well, I did in my head. I was too terrified to actually do it, apart from drop hints like there'd been no food in the cupboards for over a week...

Sorry for the lack of humour. No wait, I can do a funny story:

My stepfather had a few anecdotes about his 8 years in prison (the only person I know ever to serve the entirety of his sentence due to plain stupidity).

He was in Ford, a somewhat well known open prison. A few months before release. So what does he do? Drive out. On a lawnmower. Very slowly.

He got a few miles down the road before they noticed, and they decided to call his mother.
"Have you seen your son?"
"Well, no... he's in prison."
"weell.. see... we don't know where he is"

They found him about an hour later. He served another 2 years iirc, and went back to a non-open prison. Silly cunt.

It still makes me giggle thinking of him driving off at 2 miles an hour, big grin on his face and with no fucking clue what he was doing it for.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:38, Reply)

My Dad has got a really sick sense of humour....
....so my brothers and I had a pretty hard time of it, putting up with his pranks over the years.

His torments include;
Making us watch horror movies at a very young age (often against our will) and then making us endure really sick pranks. One time we were watching Poltergeist when all of a sudded, all of our ornaments started flying accross the living room. We all shat ourselves, obviously, until we saw my Dad in stitches. The b@st@rd had attached string to all the ornaments and pulled at an opportune moment. I'm pretty sure this constitutes child abuse.

Another one of his sick pranks was to send us to the shops/supermarket with pennies to pay for the goods (just to amuse the sad git I reckon). The worst occaision was when he send me to the Supermarket with £7.00 in pennies to buy a big pack of nappies for my lil bro. I was about 13 at the time and was mega embarrased at the checkout to be paying the disgruntled cashir £7.00 in pennies. The worse thing was that it was 10p down !!!(probably on purpose the tw@t!) and I had to go home and get the extra 10p then go back, queue up and then have my 700 pennies counted again. WHAT A C*NT!!

I could go on forver with my Dad's shitey sick behaviour but i'll save that for another day.

I did tell my Pops age 18 what a b@st@rd he was and got a full apology.
He hasn't changed much tho although it's much easier for me nowadays as an adult cos I can tell him to F*ck Off when he tries to take the piss.

Parents eh?!!!!!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Lies my parents told me
When I was but a wee Vorlonlet and my little brother was just a baby, my highly-educated, workaholic Mother took a stab at being a housewife. At the time my Dad was in the Navy and thus away a lot and we lived in a one-bus-a-day rural hamlet. Mother dearest unsurprisingly found herself bored shitless.

So she made her own fun, most notably by putting utter rubbish into my innocent little head. The one I remember most vividly was that every time I told her I had a pain somewhere or felt ill she replied with "oh dear, that's your hypochondria". I was convinced that I had some kind of terminal illness with an endless list of symptoms. The result was that at playgroup I'd toddle over to the helpers, tears in my eyes, and come out with lines like "My hypochondria's bad in my tummy," at which point they would unfailingly piss themselves laughing.

To this day she maintains that it was worth it. For the lulz, as it were.

/cherrypop
(Vorlon, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Stupid names
At the other end of the stupid name spectrum, I was once in Tesco in Stowmarket and a right-on, trendy, upper middle class modern parent type woman was chastising her irritating, bowl haired, foppish brat of a boy.

His name? Rufus.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Step forward...
One day when I was home from boarding school my mum said "how would you feel if dad and I got divorced?"
I burst into tears (I was a sensitive teenager) and she said it was only an idea and not to worry because they wouldn't do it

two weeks later she said "I was in Ipswich the other day, I was going to pop in and see you at school"
"Oh really, why were you there?"
"I had to go and see a judge to sort out the divorce papers"

not quite the "step forwards all those whose parents are married ... not so fast bald old git" but close
(bald old git was bemused and befuddled on, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Rabbit Proof Fence?



@ Jim the Cat.

My niece and nephew had a rabbit which they pretty much ignored just like yourself and your sister did. Eventually, my brother got pissed off and gave the rabbit away to a breeder. He then went and dug a rabbit-sized hole under the garden fence so as to make it look like Fluffy had done a bunk. It took the kids four days to notice his disappearance and that was with large hints like "Where's Fluffy?" being dropped by my brother and the missus.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:12, Reply)

On funny names
Heard a woman in Harrogate calling her kid "Ebony". The girl was blonde-haired and as white as you like.
(frankspencer, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 15:10, Reply)