Listen to this, right now:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7oxSpUJP8w

You're welcome.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:58, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend you have skeletons in your closet
by saying "I'd rather not talk about it" whenever someone enquires after any aspect of your life.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 9:43, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When suffering from
a couple of large mouth ulcers inside your top lip, don't bother eating chicken jalfrezi with extra chilli. They don't mix
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 8:38, Reply)

PG Tip
When making tea for ungrateful bastards, do you tire of them taking one sip before pulling a face and spluttering "Ugh, what did you put in first, water or milk?"? Dissuade such uncouth behaviour by responding "My nob".
(costas, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 23:29, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Create fizzy spunk
by pouring a crushed Alka-Seltzer tablet down your hog's eye at the point of ejaculation.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 20:49, Reply)

The Big Issue Editor:
Ensure long term employment by producing a sub standard magazine which is never popular enough to solve the homeless problem.
(bunglist, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Do not - EVER - put an effervescent blackcurrant vitamin C tablet into your coffee by accident.
It will produce an unholy froth that looks like something studied by medical students, and will smell worse than your mum after one of her accidents.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 14:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Reduce the guilt of rape
by giving them a lollypop when you're finished.
(bunglist, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 13:53, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

make your community aware of racisim
by spraying swastikas and writing racist slogans on your local bus stops and walls
(bunglist, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 13:51, Reply)

win 'i'm a celebrity get me out of here'
by pretending you are completely useless at and scared of everything, but then slowly become capable as you 'fight your demons' and overcome your fears for the good of others causing viewers to become compassionate as they witness your journey.
(bunglist, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 13:48, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Encourage tourism to quaint or interesting places
by purchasing pieces of card printed with picturesque views of the area, and sending them to friends, saying "Wish you were here".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:13, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Being irritated by talkative Stranglers?
kick Dave Greenfield in the shins and then run away
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Stop teacups
by bombing Stoke and other pottery towns
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Stop hiccups by putting your fingers in your ears and drinking half a pint of water though a straw.
Alternatively, hold your head in a bucket of water for ten to fifteen minutes. Both methods work, but the first is quicker, and uses less water.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Convince others that you're totally sane by agreeing that the treatment and medicine work
You don't hear voices any more, and no longer have the urge to stare in fascination at blood trickling down your arm as you push the blade further, further into their gut, feeling them writhe in their death throes as you hear the life seeping from their lungs, since you are now a Master of Life and Death, and can dictate who lives and who dies, according to The Rules.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 10:52, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Being irritated by talkative strangers?
Cause them to run away immediately by simply telling them you are a Jehovah's Witness and would like to talk to them about god.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 10:24, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Stop hiccups by not allowing your diaphragm to go into spasm in the first place.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

A hollowed out cucumber
makes an ideal temporary overcoat for your erect penis.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 9:27, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Kids....if your parents give you a laptop loaded with movies and games etc as a premature xmas present DONT say 'Thanks. What about the money for the motorbike I want?'
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 9:26, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Stop hiccups by swallowing a teaspoon of ordinary table sugar dry.

Apparently this works immediately for most people.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 3:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

North Korea
Why not have a pop at South Korea? They'll probably take it in good humour.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:29, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Top Tip Tip
Do all your fly-tipping at roadside memorials. Then, if you get caught, simply claim that the deceased was a big fan of knackered fridges and mattresses full of piss.
(costas, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 9:11, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Paolo Nutini fans
Look in the mirror for ten full minutes.

Then kill yourselves.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 18:37, Reply)

Iceland
if you can tolerate trout-faced processed-chicken botherers, go to Iceland (the shop not the country) as they are selling Christmas pudding flavour ice-cream and it's most yummy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Tell people who claim to believe in the typically defined 'vampires' to fuck right off. If vampires are immortal and have to feed regularly and make a new vampire of each victim then we'd all be vampires by now, assuming they're not a new development.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 6:39, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Can't afford a Cuban holiday?
Act all terroristy outside the American Embassy and get carted off to Guantanamo. Once there, simply say "nah, just kidding. Oh, and can you sub me $200 and recommend a good hotel in Havana?"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 20:25, Reply)

Make people think you're a cereal killer
by brandishing the keys to a combine harvester.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 20:22, Reply)

Pretend you're raising money for charity
By growing a moustache.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Buy a house built on a flood plain
Then act all surprised and hard-done-by when it gets flooded.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 14:42, 11 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you're a serial killer
By regularly murdering people using the same techniques and M.O.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 11:15, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)