Blind People.
Avoid giving everyone a tennis ball for christmas by choosing the present yourself and not letting your dog do it.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Thu 2 Dec 2010, 20:40, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Thinking of starting a thread about how cyclists/car drivers are evil etc.
Don't. All the arguments have been fully exercised. No-one is going to change their mind.
( lion-cake Bad lion-cake, bad., Thu 2 Dec 2010, 14:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Miserable people - do the world a favour and
cheer the fuck up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Dec 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Spicy Butternut and Ham Soup
I just invented/perfected this, a slight variation on my Butternut & Carrot soup, eating this while watching the snow blizzard seemed the perfect contrast, so I thought I'd share, and it also seemed a good idea to record the recipe someplace before I forget it, 'cos it's bloody lovely!

Either 1 large or 2 medium Butternut Squash/es

1 tin of Baked Beans

2-3 Cloves of Garlic to taste

A level teaspoon each of dried Dill, Basil, Thyme, a teaspoon of salt OR 2 of soy sauce (approx it's all to taste)

A desert spoon of Butter

2 large Carrots

2 medium to large Onions

One small red ripe Scotch Bonnet pepper (or a half if you prefer less heat)

100g of decent Ham (off cuts will be fine but not wafer thin 30% water reformed crap 'cos it'll just disappear)

2 slices of Bacon (optional but the smokiness is nice)

A handful or two of Peas (it adds a bit of 'freshness' in every other mouthful when the pea pops in the mouth)


Stick a large pot on the stove with a couple of cupfuls of water in it and put the ring on full, we start with the Butternut/s, skin, slice, scoop out the seeds and chop up the flesh into quite small chunks, add to the pot, do the same with a quite finely sliced Onion.

Now skin and crush 2-3 Cloves of Garlic preferably using a garlic crusher, chop your Scotch Bonnet in half and put each half flesh-down into your garlic crusher and do the same, throw away the skins and seeds.

Add about a level teaspoon of Dill, Basil and Thyme, add your salt/soy and also a large desert spoon scoop of Butter. Add the tin of Beans.

Stir it all thoroughly. Bring it all to the boil, then down to medium heat and cover for about 30 minutes till the squash has started collapsing into mush! Stir well!

Skin and chop your 2 Carrots fairly small, add those, add the second Onion in the same manner as before, and break up your Ham into small pieces over the pot and drop it in. Let that simmer for 20 minutes stirring now and then so it doesn't stick, meanwhile:

Grill 2 slices of Bacon till crispy and slightly burnt, chop quite finely, add that, and a couple of handfuls of frozen or fresh Peas, give it another 10 - 15 minutes on the stove, then turn it all off and forget about it.

If at any point it gets too thick add more water or some full milk if you like it slightly creamy, it should be about the consistency of a thin custard.

After 10 minutes rest, stir thoroughly, ladle it out, eat with hot buttered crusty bread or toast, very warming, very comforting, very tasty!

This makes about enough to feed 4 - 5 people quite adequately but I can pretty much guarantee the pot will be empty by bedtime even if you live alone 'cos that ladle will keep dipping!
( ..wil, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 18:21, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Piers Morgan
Please, please, please, please PLEASE FUCK OFF.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Appliance lead won't quite reach the plug socket?
Simply hold onto the plug, and stick a finger of your other hand in the socket. Hey presto! Working appliance*.


*Results may vary.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Using a Flymo
as a snow blower isn't as good an idea as it first seems.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 15:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Make your neighbour's salting of his path more fun
By doing a big shit in the middle of it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Make assaulting
a psychopath more fun by reading lots of 'injustice' stories in the Daily Mail first
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Make salting the path more fun
by singing the Shake & Vac advert song.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

A man-portable flame thrower
is ideal for clearing a path through snow in front of you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 10:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Save time and money this winter.
Rather than salting your path when it gets icy, simply craft a pair of shoes out of a large chunk of rock salt.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 2:41, Reply)

Path
Make salting your garden path more fun by pretending to be a sumo wrestler when throwing the salt about.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 0:23, Reply)

Relieve boreddom
by whining about your commuting troubles on an internet messageboard.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Make sure the seat next to you on the train stays vacant
By piling your handbag, coat, scarves and gloves on it.

Act indignant when someone asks you to move your stuff so they can sit down.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 13:52, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make your neighbour's Chelsea Tractor greener
by dropping cress seed and water through the sunroof.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 13:44, Reply)

Pretend to have skeletons in your closet
By keeping your closet closed with a heafty chain and telling anyone who asks, "I've got skeletons in my closet" with a sly wink. Leave a steak inside it.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Drivers
Avoid a frozen engine, by leaving your car running overnight.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 13:33, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid having to buy a new scarf in the freezing cold for well over the odds from a grinning, licensed thief
by not leaving your original one on the train.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Tramping through snow?
Spray shoe protector on the bottom of your trouser legs, it stops the snow soaking up your trousers and stops you getting salty grit stains at the bottom of them.
( Cheeses of Nazareth Where's Captain Kirk? www.whereiskirk.com, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:17, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Acquire incredibly elevated moral high ground
by riding a bicycle in a town instead of driving a car (which you can't afford or never learned to drive anyway), then use this undeserved sense of superiority as a magical disclaimer to having to follow any of the rules of the road i.e. red lights, stop signs, signalling when turning, menacing pedestrians by cycling on the pavement et cetera.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 16:53, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pretend to know an awful lot about a particular subject
by doing a degree, Masters, and PhD in it, and writing lots of influential papers, articles and books on your specified area of study. Soon people will think you're an expert!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 11:02, Reply)

pharmaceutical companies
When writing the information sheet on a medication, don't list a symptom as a side effect.

For example, a gel for the treatment of mouth ulcers should not have 'ulceration' as a side effect.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 3:39, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do you very much enjoy the music of Neil Diamond?
You're probably better off keeping it to yourself.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 27 Nov 2010, 18:35, Reply)

Cuntomers (before I have to visit that ex-workplace dump later to purchase a cheap cable).
No I DON'T work at Craplin Erectronics anymore - so SOD OFF!
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 6:35, Reply)

Jesus Christ.
Eaten so much fish and bread that you're stuffed to burst?
Take a Holy Shit.

Drank so much wine that you're picking a fight with Judas and babbling bollox?
Write an epic book called the New Testament.
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 6:25, Reply)

Local councils running out of salt..
Tell the Road-Sweepers to fecking STOP following the Gritters and go back the way they came - with the hoover on 'BLOW' to replace the grit they've already swept up!
Also empty the sweepers back at the yard into the gritters.
Bloody cuntcils.
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 6:10, Reply)

The one at Wandsworth is a good 'un
tiny.cc/490wy
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 2:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Potential movie makers
A film about a time travelling fridge would be mediocre. Don't bother.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 22:49, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)