Want to overdose on anesthetic?
Knock yourself out.
(bunglist, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 23:01, Reply)

Penn and Teller
Why not do a show about how Jesus Christ probably would of faked all his 'miracles'.
(bunglist, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 22:56, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

when swapping computers for the day with a colleague and fellow b3ta subscriber
make sure you log out before they can forget they're not logged in as themselves and make you look like a massive fucking poindexter computer bellend on the talkboard
(bunglist, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 22:40, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Keep your genitalia and bum warm in winter
by receiving a good bumming and a reach-around by someone who's using Deep Heat muscle rub as lube.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:24, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When describing how different two things are
using an analogy such as "Like chalk and cheese" can help.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

Keep your genitalia and bum warm in winter
by setting fire to your pants.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:32, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Food manufacturers
When writing the cooking instructions to go on the back of packets and labels, stop referring to the product in the first person. I don't want to read "Pour me into a pan and heat gently, but don't let me boil" as it just sounds utter wank.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:58, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Orchard owners who don't like apples
Man the fuck up and grow a pear.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:41, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Toy manufacturers
Make Big Trak better by putting rubber tyres on it, giving all six wheels full, independet suspension, and making it much faster, and remote-controlled.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 10:43, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid uncomfortable silences
by always carrying a cushion with you
(bunglist, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 8:20, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The term "fusion cookery"
is excellent for describing the art of making toast by sellotaping bread to a hydrogen bomb.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 0:13, Reply)

Take a martial arts class for a few months
and you should find yourself well within the limits of your abilities if a stranger attacks you with a knife.

[This tip courtesy of most of the people I know who have got their first coloured belt]
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 21:49, Reply)

Unused
and/or out of date business cards make for exceptionally good roaches.

EDIT: Which then remind me of your girlfriends anus.
( DeadEyeDick, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Dads!
Remind your son of their girlfriend by refusing them anal sex!
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 18:59, Reply)

The term "fusion cookery"
is great for justifying an appalling everything-left-in-the-fridge sausage, jalapeno and broccoli jalfrezi.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 18:58, Reply)

Girlfriends
Remind your dad he can a bit anal at times.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Anuses!
Give your dad by reminding your girlfriend!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Four-year-old nieces?
I know an aroused Labrador's penis looks like lipstick. It's really, really not.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 15:23, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Blisters
are handgasms that bring pleasure and lubricant.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 12 Jan 2011, 3:17, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

When someone uses the expression 'like chalk and cheese' to highlight how different things are
deflate them by pointing out both chalk and cheese are good sources of calcium and therefore have something in common.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 11 Jan 2011, 20:14, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Guys!
Remind your dad of his girlfriend by giving him anal sex!
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 18:30, Reply)

Guys!
Remind your girlfriend of her dad by giving her anal sex.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 18:25, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Girls!
Stop your partner pestering you for anal sex by telling him that it reminds you of your dad.
(bunglist, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 18:16, Reply)

Girls!
Make your boyfriend think you're bisexual by offering him a threesome with your most attractive girlfriend.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 14:55, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save money
on matches and accelerants this winter by installing central heating.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 14:47, Reply)

Got a smartphone?
Install another music player on it so you have two installed. Then use one for podcasts/audio books and the other for music. You won't lose your place in your podcast when some tunes are called for.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 11 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Keep your legs warm in winter
by setting fire to your trousers.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Timesaving Tip
If you're at a party and have been cornered by an Autoglass repairman who's telling you a work-based anecdote, don't feel compelled to listen to the whole thing. The punchline will invariably be "The chip became a huge crack in the windscreen".
(costas, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 0:49, Reply)

Planning on watching the film 'Hurt Locker'?
Don't bother, it sucks bag-lady's period

Edit: Bollocks, and I missed my B3ta-candle-day. I was 5.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 23:47, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Kids in the 1980s
Make modern children feel hard done by in telling them that curly wurlys used to be so big you could climb up them like a ladder and wagon wheels where so big you could use them on your bmx if you got a flat.
(bunglist, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 18:31, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)