Make your helpline think you're a chicken
by shoving it up your arse.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Insulate your house
Inject a mixture of whipped egg white and sugar into the wall cavities and the loft. Turn the heating up to high. Hey presto: meringue insulation!
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 13:23, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Get free money by sitting on the street all day with a cap in your hand looking homeless.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 12:47, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Surprise a shopkeeper by going into their shop with a tin opener
And opening all the tins of beans.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 12:25, Reply)

New parents
Toughen your child up and thicken their skin for the hard knocks in life by telling them that they were adopted and that you don't love them.

If you want to prepare them further for becoming a prize fighter in something, beat them on a regular basis too.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Can't sleep?
Drink a bottle of whisky.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Can't sleep?
Simply take 200g of valerian root. Grind it into a paste and add 300ml of boiling water. Leave it to steep for 30 minutes. Meanwhile take lavendar and remove the flower heads. Put them inside a muslin bag with a similar amount of seed corn (you can purchase this at any health food shop). Next take 3 nutmegs and grind them to a powder. Add this to the extract of valerian and stir well. Sterilise a large glass jar and wipe the inside with lemon juice. Add the tincture of valerian and nutmeg and shake vigorously for 5 minutes. Place the liquid in a saucepan over a high heat and reduce in volume by 3/4. Go out to your garden or a nearby copse and cut 6 good straight hazel rods, less than 1cm in diameter. Strip off the bark (conserve this!) and roughly plait the rods into a broad, shallow bowl. Annoint the hazel bowl with valerian/nutmeg ointment. Heat the lavendar and corn in the microwave for 1 minute until warm and place in the basket. Holding the hazel basketwork at arm's length, walk around your bedroom, ensuring that the herbal essence is wafted into the highest corners and under each item of furniture. Construct a small hammock of woven natural hemp to suspend the basket roughly 1.5m above your pillow. Now you should be so knackered that you will fall asleep easily.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 9:42, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Blocked Nose?
Have a wank. It's surprisingly effective and much more fun than Vick's Sinex.

N.B.
No, I'm not taking the piss. It does work. I have no idea why.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 9:29, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

can't sleep?
Have a wank. It's surprisingly effective and more fun than Horlicks.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Jan 2011, 1:00, Reply)

Create a real-life action replay
of a game of Snake,by tracing the route you took using a line of sugar and then letting some ants loose on it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 19:10, Reply)

Frighten tigers by pretending to be a big game hunter.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Frighten elephants by pretending to be a mouse and then squeaking at them.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Frighten ants by pretending to be a kettle full of boiling water and then peeing on them.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 12:07, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Do you play for Newcastle United?
Remember when the nice man holds that board up saying '4' it means 4 extra minutes, he isn't a fucking bingo caller. You might get some more fucking points if you play till the ref blows the full time whistle and that way you won't piss all of your fans off.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 0:01, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Think driving with just your front fog lights on is cool?
The three points on your driving licence for 'driving at night without headlights' isn't cool at all.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Sun 23 Jan 2011, 13:25, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save money on expensive 3D TVs
by simply buying two normal TVs and watch everything cross-eyed.
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 22:13, Reply)

Female Pornstars
I've yet to meet a man who gets aroused by the sight of a woman angrily slapping her vagina. At best, it looks like a grumble-video tribute to Benny Hill. Why not stop punishing your poor fanny and try something gentler?
(costas, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 19:48, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Ascend to whole new levels of self absorption
by searching the weekly newsletter for your username before commencing to read it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 17:18, Reply)

Tongs make ideal scissors for plates.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 16:35, Reply)

Married to Happybara?
Instead of complaining about him drinking around the house, simply send him to the pub with your sister and/or best friend.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 13:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Want to tell a horse to FUCK OFF, but unsure how to start?
Try practicing on the ponies at a petting zoo.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 17:32, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When choosing a b3ta image challenge,
if you yourself can't immediately think of at least 2 or 3 decent ideas, then it's not going to have enough 'legs' to last a whole week.
(ElloElloEllo What's going on 'ere?, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make a bear angry
by punching it in the face.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:07, Reply)

want to try mountaineering
But don't like heights?
Get a feel for it by climbing inside a large freezer and close the door to increase the risk of oxygen starvation.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 19 Jan 2011, 21:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Put a penguin on a turntable
for that "Rotating Penguin" spectacle.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 Jan 2011, 20:33, Reply)

Married to me?
Then just SHUT UP! I'll drink as much as I bloody well like.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 19 Jan 2011, 17:20, Reply)

Finding it hard to enjoy anal sex?
Tell one of your teachers or a parent.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 19 Jan 2011, 17:07, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Are you a young man who likes to wear black, including black collared shirts?
If so, try doing up the collar and sticking a folded piece of A4 in it to create a makeshift dog collar next time you get on the train.

You will get warm smiles from old ladies and authority figures, and might even get pretty girl start chatting to you in a relaxed fashion, whereby once you've got her interested, you can whip it off and tell her it was just for a bit of a laugh.

This may not have the intended result of her wanting to sleep with you, however.

EDIT: Of note, this is illegal, and I would never, ever condone breaking the law, obviously.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 Jan 2011, 13:44, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

In London on holiday? Get that "Real Jack The Ripper" experience
by travelling back in time to the 1800s and killing a few prostitutes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Push your bed up against one wall...
..and make sure you note how good your mood is when you get out in the morning.If bad, push bed up against the opposite wall, to avoid ever starting the day in a grumpy manner again.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 23:08, Reply)