Grotty Former Pornstars
Worried that a major national event is getting more press coverage than you? Concerned that you haven't been on the front-page of a downmarket tabloid for a couple of days? Simply claim you've just had a terrifying car-crash in which you nearly died. Voila! You'll claw back a bit of that sweet, sweet attention.
(costas, Mon 25 Apr 2011, 19:12, Reply)

make sure
You know which stop the night bus leaves from before waiting for 20 minutes for nothing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 3:32, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Having a bath? Cover the hot tap with a flannel.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 22 Apr 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Make people think that you are a helipad
By painting a giant H on your head. Be careful to point out that you aren't Rimmer.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Fri 22 Apr 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Avoid helicopters from landing in your dinner by ensuring the distress flares are out of reach of the broccoli
what?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 21 Apr 2011, 19:57, Reply)

Avoid helicopters from landing in your dinner by eating all the letter aitches first
Only really applies to Alphabet Spaghetti and Alpha-bites, but valid non the less.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 21 Apr 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Make people think you're a mole by putting soil in your hair.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Prevent helicopters landing in your dinner by covering it with a plate.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Fool people into thinking you're a member of the Household Guard
By anaesthetising your cat and balancing it on your head.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Writers and editors of BBC Focus magazine
Appeal to the lowest common denominator of your readership by dumbing down the magazine to the point of ridicule.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Daily Mail reader
by referring to academics as a bunch of lefties/liberals etc, you are by the process of elimination assigning those with right-wing views to the domain of imbeciles and morons, which is what we've known all along.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:56, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Are you morbidly obese and want to lose weight fast?
Saw off hunks of your useless, fetid flesh with a stanley knife, and feed the resultant gunk to your cats.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 13:47, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Don't like burritos but like fajitas?
Then stop accidentally saying burrito when ordering your fajita.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 13:28, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Cats
Cats make excellent people for colourblind dogs who have trouble taking a shit.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 12:51, Reply)

The British Government
Do you get a niggling feeling that your inept decisions and corrupt actions are seriously ruining the future of Britain and the public are losing trust?
Try not to scream too much when we all pile in and start pushing knives into your faces, it's off putting.
(bunglist, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Cats make excellent "dogs" for colourblind people.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Can't afford to go to Switzerland to euthanise your gran?
Dress her up as a dog and have her put down at the local vets instead.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 23:46, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Need a shit, but can't go?
Have a colonic. Not only will you be free of your nasty poo, but you will feel all clean and floaty for a while.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 18:21, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Need a shit but can't go?
Watch Paranormal Activity.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Want to give up work and live in the lap o luxury?
Get the sack from your job, lower your standards and live on the dole.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 13:04, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

My manager
Act as if you know something about what I do at work, rather than fannying around the building and flirting with the rather unattractive manager above you.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Want to give up work and live a life of luxury instead?
Simply win tens of millions of pounds on the lottery.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Do you like having the door open
on a warm day but are fed up with flies coming into the house? Simply go crap in the corner of the garden away from the house to attract them away from the door.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Do your best to ensure that any prostitutes you deal with aren't undercover police officers.
Cos it's actually illegal to kill a police officer.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Can't shit? Think you need to go?
Don't drink coffee or have a Caribbean cigarette to ease transit. You will end up with dark chocolate frozen yoghurt, ring sting, premature sphincter cut-off and thus many, many wipes and probably skidmarks later on (especially if exercising and wearing light coloured grundies).
(Blunt Logic, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Are you becoming addicted to gaming?
Cut off your fingers*


*wishes it was that simple
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 0:32, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Girls! chilling your mouth with ice cubes before perforeforming oral sex
will make a convincing 'zombie blowjob'. After all, zombies crave brains and it's a well known fact that men keep their brains in their pants.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Apr 2011, 22:15, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make satsumas easier to peel
by sticking one up your bottom and arranging for someone to give you a big fright - hey presto! - the satsuma will fall apart in your arsehole hands (upon extraction) and you'll have a citrus fresh gusset.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 12:08, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)