Avoid being shot at by Afghan rebels
By not joining the army in the first place.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 23 May 2011, 16:29, Reply)

spanish cycle riders avoid a comically funny death
by not getting caught between the wall and garage door
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 23 May 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Make policemen feel wanted
by asking them the time
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 23 May 2011, 13:29, Reply)

Get the sort of self publicity you can't put a price on
By taking out a super injunction.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 23 May 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Stop people talking about you
By taking out a super injunction.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 23 May 2011, 12:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make policemen angry
By knocking their helmets off.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 22 May 2011, 23:25, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

listening to Ferrari fans talking about how great the team and ferndo alonso are is a
great way of cheering your self up after watching andy murry get hammered






again
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 22 May 2011, 18:19, Reply)

Suffering from low blood pressure?
Simply read the comments posted on the Mail Online website and hey presto! 210/80 will be the norm
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 21 May 2011, 23:38, Reply)

A tricycle
is an ideal tandem for 3 unicyclists.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 21 May 2011, 23:36, Reply)

If you never do anything that's bad for you
You will live a long and boring life
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 21 May 2011, 19:06, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

An easy way to get a punch in the face
is to be a mime artist and to get in my way in town.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Convince people you are a goldfish
by forgetting things every 4 seconds
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:17, Reply)

The skin of your deceased mother
makes an ideal winter coat for people living in Texas.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:13, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A tricycle
Makes an ideal unicycle for people with no balance
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Re-create the fun of the waltzers in your own home
By drinking bleach
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Beer drinkers
Save the expense of buying Carling by just ordering pints of tap water, with the added bonus of not having to piss as much.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)

Avoid
being banned from facebook by not posting pictures of tits.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 21 May 2011, 15:59, Reply)

get more sleep at night by not lurking on the boards waiting to post against a late night early morning post
by some one else
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 21 May 2011, 11:48, Reply)

stand a better chance of getting to sleep
By not posting on and reading B3ta until almost 4am.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 21 May 2011, 3:57, Reply)

when going for a pee during the night
Be sure to dash to the bathroom and back in case that thing at the end of the film 'Rec' is hanging about on the landing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 21 May 2011, 3:54, Reply)

nail bombers think twice before useing no more nails in your improvised explosive device

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 20 May 2011, 22:58, Reply)

why not spread teh good word by
singing football style chants like "your not winning any more" out side the libyan/german/chechen/bahrainian/angola/palestine/northern ireland emabassys
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 20 May 2011, 22:57, Reply)

why not dress up as a nazi jackboot wearing
wrinkly old man and try for a rematch next month
and see if it will go to penaltys
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 20 May 2011, 22:52, Reply)

Ladies!
Are you tied across a railway track and a train is fast approaching?

Try actually screaming for help instead of just waggling your head about with your mouth open, you silly moo.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:57, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

always have a humorus story by repeatadly recycling old b3ta threads

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:32, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

An inventive way of committing suicide
Is to go into a mosque in Saudi Arabia, and hand out slices of ham for the congregation to use as bookmarks in their Korans.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:01, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Constantly topping up your bath with hot water?
Save money on your gas bill by immersing a four bar electric heater into the water instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Employing a load of clowns
to recreate "United Colours of Benetton" adverts during a thunderstorm is a cheap and safe alternative to LSD.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:56, Reply)

When posting a top tip
try to post it in the 'Top Tips' section of the board.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:29, Reply)

Have you just avoided a car crash by swerving wildly and have now smashed through the barrier on a bridge, over the edge and into the water below, and need to get out of the water-filled car before you drown?
Wind down the window and escape through that.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:57, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)