WOMEN!
Avoid sleeping with your husband by telling him you have a headache.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:51, Reply)

Trumping
into your sleeping girlfriends ear makes her dream of trumps.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:16, Reply)

Win every time at roulette
by betting on both black AND red.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:24, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you tread on a creaky floorboard in a quiet room...
...avoid embarrassment by saying 'Excuse Me' as if you've farted loudly.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Food Top Trumps
If you love playing Top Trumps, then you'll love the food version. Buy as much food as you can afford from Kerry Katona endorsed store Iceland. Split the outer packets of said food equally between you and a mate. Let the games begin - highest salt/fat content wins etc.

Winner eats all the food.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Win arguments with your other half
by playing the victim card.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:17, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

A hollowed out toad
makes for an excellent spare whoopie cushion.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Express your personality clearly by getting tattoos.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Pretend you are homosexual
By buying a train ticket from London to Manchester and being fucking arse raped for the privelige
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:19, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

avoid wworrysome spelling
mistake and punctuation by simply ignoring them and taking tramadol instead, alternatively dyhydrocodien and cider make an excellent alternative reality
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 9:45, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you're intelligent, sensitive and hip
by reading the Guardian.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 9:23, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you have a name as stupid as "Sepp Blatter"
try drawing attention away from it by getting involved in a massive scandal and becoming known for that.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 0:43, Reply)

Fool Red Ladybirds
into thinking they are in China by introducing Yellow Ladybirds into your garden...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 31 May 2011, 23:46, Reply)

pick pockets get your own back on tourists
by putting thing in there pockets and then alerting the local authority's.
simply stand back as they get arseraped to with in an inch of there life before stepping forward and saying it was that person over there and watch it all happen over again
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 22:42, Reply)

cant be arsed with your own tips ? then google is your friend
Peril Sensitive Sunglasses

Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses have been specially designed to help people develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble, they turn totally black and thus prevent you from seeing anything that might alarm you.

A double-pair is frequently worn by Zaphod Beeblebrox.

much much better than the girlywirly blue ones
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 22:39, Reply)

Paint The Lenses
of an ordinary pair of round spectacles blue and Hey Presto! your very own John Lennon-style glasses! nb. Take extra care when crossing the road whilst wearing them...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 31 May 2011, 22:17, Reply)

when doing charity parachute jumps try to land properly
and not break your back thus costing the charity even more money than your feeble attempt made, then whilst recovering in hospital try not to get in a real shitty mood every time some one laughs at your ironic misfortune





true story my brother in law numptycocksock that he is couldn't see the funny side but then again he a rampant cathoholic now with added extra fucked knees yayyy
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 22:07, Reply)

Let people know you're a computer genious,
by paying Microsoft for lots of training and exams.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:37, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tourists:
Gat your own back on foreign theives by being from a country which is far superior to theirs and not having to steal to make a living. You could even throw in some loud talk about how good it is where you're from.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:33, Reply)

Tourists
Get your own back on dastardly pickpockets by wearing a bum-bag filled with shit.
(Brandy Bolland, Tue 31 May 2011, 17:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

there may not be an I in team
but there certainly a U in cunt


but then you probably knew this
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 14:24, Reply)

When people patronisingly remind you that there is no 'I' in 'Team'
remind them that there is still a 'U' in 'Fuck You'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 31 May 2011, 13:36, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you're really creative and interesting
By only buying Apple media products.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 31 May 2011, 13:10, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Phillipines guerilla fighters
reconsider if the rest of the world will take you seriously if you call yourself the Moro Islamic Libertation Front and then truncate your name to initials for ease of parlance.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 31 May 2011, 13:07, Reply)

People who play in bands
Remember, you can't spell "Rhythm section" without "thms".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 31 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

christians and other god botherers
just remember that all though you may be against swearing and blaspheme you can not spell scunthorpe with out cunt
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 10:02, Reply)

People who live in a haunted house
should try walking around in sheets and wailing whilst moaning and rattling chains.
just to see if a job of haunting in the after life is a career move that would interest you
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 9:55, Reply)

when pissing at public urinals
ensure you have an interesting tale to tell the paramedics and other health care professionals by repeatedly looking at the next cock* and smiling whilst mumbling yes i would under your breath.
this should lead to comic fisticuffs and severe brain damage for you to regale your rescuers with


* does not work in womens toilets **

** unless you are Armenian
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 31 May 2011, 9:52, Reply)

When pissing at a public urinal next to one or more other people
Don't cross the streams, it would be bad, Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
( Peej, Tue 31 May 2011, 7:16, Reply)

You never know what might happen when next you cross the road.
but any more than three shakes, is a wank.
( Peej, Tue 31 May 2011, 7:11, Reply)