Next time you get invited to a fancy dress party
Don't go and wipe your ass with a £50 note instead.
(Kevseabass, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Get into the cinema cheaply
by pricking your face with darts and letting someone kick you in the bollocks before entering.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:39, Reply)

Women
As an alternative to regular birth control, consider sucking your man dry before commencing intercourse.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:32, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Residents in London
In order to satisfy the "You are never more than 6 foot away from a rat" claim, drag a dead rat around on a bit of string 6 foot long.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:22, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you have a baby
by staying up all night and pouring milk down the back of all your clothes.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Drug dealers
cut your gear with canderel instead of caster sugar for those watching their weight.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:49, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

UGLY PEOPLE!
Prove you can get laid by having a baby.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:46, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Show people your life is officially over
My buying a renault scenic or citroen picasso.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Always remember when asked by your wife/girlfriend
to do some pointless chore like hanging the clothes on the line, or doing the washing up. You do a piss poor job first time, to prevent her asking you to do it again.
If it involves putting the cover on the duvet, simply sit on the bed until you hear her on the stairs, then get into the cover.

And pretend to cry.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Dried weetabix
makes an ideal substitute for tiling grout.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:53, Reply)

A sink made out of weetabix cereal
will not support the weight of cold onion gravy and vomit
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Make yourself vomit in the sink
by putting cold onion gravy on your cereal.
It should be nicely chewed up by now and slip down the plughole with ease.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Diguise the sound of you vomiting
by pretending you have just poured cereal, or onion gravy down the toilet which you carried up in your hands.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Dieters
Prevent the temptation of tucking into those kettle chips or ice cream by not buying the stuff in the first place you fat fuck.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:24, Reply)

Fat?
Try eating less and exercising more.
(How soon is now?, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Don't bother working
in the British porn industry because the censors are so stringent that any chance of getting regular blow-jobs will be zero because they can be just implied.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:50, Reply)

Making "Your mum" comments to your sister does not work*.
*Terms and conditions apply. Not available in Norfolk.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:44, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

The back of a Ford Anglia
makes an ideal set square of some arbitrary angle for giants studying technical drawing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:43, Reply)

A piece of string
exactly 12 inches long makes an ideal calibration aid for rulers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:40, Reply)

People with no culery
Eat pork and lamb chops as they come with a handle.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:35, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Washing the dishes?
If you've got leftover cereal or onion gravy (or anything else too chunky for the sink but too runny for the bin) flush it down the toilet. Problem solved.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 11:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Similar to Eskimos, Dogs have over 5000 different meanings for the word "hello"
Discuss politics, the weather and what happened on Glee last night with other peoples' dogs by saying "hello" in a variety of silly voices. Their confused owner wont have a clue what you are talking about.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

A pork chop
Makes a suitable comb for people who have greasy hair
(Kevseabass, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 11:33, Reply)

On a diet, and not really losing any weight?
Try doing some exercise.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 11:21, Reply)

The beaks from a variety of small birds
make an ideal substitute for Bombay mix.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 10:52, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you've got a dog
By carrying a dog lead around with you, and when offred out, saying things like "No thanks, I've got to go home and walk the dog."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Fried egg whites
make ideal skin grafts for albinos.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 10:20, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If in a new pub in a strange new Northern town
Always say 'no thankyou' if offered a knuckle sandwich, as this isnt a local delicacy.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Burger King
Bacon makes an ideal substitute for the stuff scraped from a burns victim which you put in your Whoppers.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 9:24, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Rather than putting "Wash strong colours seperately.", etc..
Actually specify whether the item you're labelling is "strong coloured", "dark", "light" or whatever -- thus giving the owner of the piece of clothing a chance of washing it without causing it to stain or be stained.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 0:22, Reply)