Asda on a Sunday afternoon
How about not having 1 in 3 checkouts closed when the queues for the open tills are 8 deep.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 18:27, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

My local convenience store
How about staffing all three tills during busy times?
(How soon is now?, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 17:10, Reply)

make your wife think
You're getting lots of blowjobs on the side by going about with a wistful look on your face and making contented sighs every so often.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 14:41, Reply)

make your wife think
You're getting bumsex on the side by smearing a tiny bit of marmite under your foreskin for her to 'notice' when getting ready for bed.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 14:38, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

having trouble getting it up in bed?
Hide your impotence shame by telling your wife or girlfriend that you no longer find girls older than 14 sexy anymore.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 13:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make asda checkout staff think you are a stud
by buying a 10 pack of condoms, some KY jelly and a jar of nutella and then winking suggestively at the girl at the checkout.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 1:15, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid being arrested on the way home from a supermarket
by not winking suggestively at checkout staff
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 1:14, Reply)

Think about it- if entering an eBay auction that ends between when pubs open on a friday afternoon and the cold light of day on Monday morning
there will be someone, somewhere, who while sober might have more sense than money, but during these times the ratio will rapidly invert as they get more pissed. You cannot win a bidding war against the irrational drunken desires of someone who at that the moment NEEDS TO OWN IT and their sense of responsibility has fucked off to tomorrowmorrowland..
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 11 Jun 2011, 23:44, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

women shopping in the sales
If you get a 100 pound coat for 50, you havent saved 50 quid, you have spent 50 quid.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 11 Jun 2011, 14:34, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Wile E. Coyote
Having trouble with Road Runner? You'll have to take off and nuke the site from space. It's the only way to be sure.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 11 Jun 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Sun newspaper sports editors.
Tell English football players to calm down and stop roaring when they make a statement.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Sat 11 Jun 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Shorten you life expactancy drastically
By stealing from me or my friends

No seriously, try it!

*Stolen from Frample Tromwibbler.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sat 11 Jun 2011, 10:02, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sun Newspaper Sports Editors
highlight any on-field success for Wayne Rooney for Manchester United or England by using the pun headline 'ROO BEAUTY!!'
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 10 Jun 2011, 23:48, Reply)

Shorten you life expactancy drastically
By stealing from me or my friends

No seriously, try it!
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 23:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

BSL Tutors
Can't be arsed today? Just sit your students in front of the TV. A few episodes of 'Give Us A Clue' and they'll be signing like natives in no time.
( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 21:03, Reply)

Children annoying you?
Then build a concrete dungeon and keep them imprisoned for 24 years and doing you want with them.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 17:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

HR Managers
show your professionalism and empathy required for the role by finishing colleagues' sentences for them [...for them, for them...]
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 10 Jun 2011, 15:45, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Have 'great' sex.
Then wonder if it really was 'great' for ten minutes or so.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 15:17, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Asthmatic wolves
It is much easier to set fire to the house of straw in order to get at the little pigs inside. The same goes for the house of sticks.

A wrecking bar can be used to secure ingress to the house of bricks, or failing that just shin up the drainpipe and go in through the bedroom window.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 14:01, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Keep your supply
of cycloheximide in plain view, otherwise you won't see the fungicide.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Invest in some gelatin, hot water, flavouring and sugar.
Or you won't see the jelly kit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 13:17, Reply)

Nightclub Bouncers
play the 'Kicks Like A Mule' game by seeing how many times you can say "Your name's not down; you're not coming in" and "Not tonight: you're not on the list" to hapless punters...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 9 Jun 2011, 23:24, Reply)

Women.
'Hollow mouth' blow jobs do NOTHING, please use your tongue. And stop all that cheesegrater shit with your teeth whilst we're on the subject.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:36, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

TV Producers
Thinking of making a light-hearted, celebrity game-show based upon the parlour game 'charades'? Then Lionel Blair would make a great team captain.
( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:54, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Paedophile rings.
stop involving normal people by wanking over each others childhood photo albums.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:45, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Never ever get arrested
By moving into a shitty council house on a run down estate, selling drugs to all the locals and driving around in a brand-new top-spec Range Rover. Be a loud mouth and act gangster-y just to be sure.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

Obelisks
make ideal toothpicks for giants...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:49, Reply)

Women avoid disappointment after sex
By not expecting a cuddle afterwards, we hate it!
(Kevseabass, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:22, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Be sure to read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy all the way through.
Or you won't see the Fenny bit.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:04, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Women
Fed up with your man constantly pestering you for a blowjob? In a similar vein to parents who make a kid smoke an entire packet of cigarettes to put them off smoking for good, simply suck him off continuously until he's absolutely sick of it and won't ask you again.
This may take quite a while though.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:00, 1 reply, 14 years ago)