Make your fellow commuters split their sides with laughter at the bus stop when it starts raining
By repeatedly saying 'well thats summer over with then'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 16:57, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Gargling with primula
makes it less unpleasant when sucking off a tramp.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 16:55, Reply)

Prevent feelings of guilt, disgust and shame
By not masturbating.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 16:53, Reply)

Stop people with smartphones accidentally walking into you
by walking along making hard punching movements with your clenched fists.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 14:50, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Going to a fancy-dress party as a teenage boy or a tramp?
A spoonful of Morrisons Low-Fat Soft Cheese makes convincing 'smegma'.
(costas, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Keep bumping into things or people?
Stop looking at your smartphone whilst walking
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Bored while walking down the street?
Why not browse the internet on your smart phone!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 14:15, Reply)

Make blowjobs more pleasant for the giver
by dripping a few drops of vanilla essence down your Jap's eye.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 11:44, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Goths
Make Hallowe'en that extra bit special by instilling a few drops of black food colouring down your hog's eye before spunking over your partner's face.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 11:43, Reply)

if forced to crap in a convenience that looks so filthy that you could catch 17 diseases just by looking at it
flush the bog with your elbow, as at no point in the near future will your elbow touch your mouth or your eyes. Also for preference, don't touch the door handle (if it has one) as this is what people touch after wiping their dirty arsehole but before washing their hands (if they bother at all).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 6 Jul 2011, 10:36, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Thinking of becoming a counsellor?
remember: you can't spell 'therapist' without the words 'the' and 'rapist'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 6 Jul 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Need to differentiate between a Hornby model railway set, and Millbank Tower in London?
Simply take a ruler and measure the height - if it's over 3.5 feet tall, it's probably Millbank Tower.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 8:57, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Disrespect Chavs and Hoods
by ignoring them...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 6 Jul 2011, 0:15, Reply)

Pretend you have a life
by not posting 10 tips in a row on an internet chat board.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 23:46, Reply)

Join in the unrelenting stares ipod/phone/pad owners recieve
by shitting on a war memorial and being posh.

God, I could kill you all....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 23:43, Reply)

A library card
makes a perfect 'kindle' for those either too poor to buy one or those that appreciate a book for what it is.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 23:24, Reply)

Embarrass the drunk of the party
When he falls asleep first, carefully detach his anus from his buttock muscles using a surgical blade. Then awake him by putting shaving foam and pepper on his hand and tickle his nose. He will then move his hand to his nose and sneeze loudly, literally shitting his bowels through his arse...and.. his face will be covered in shaving foam. Ha Ha
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 23:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Enjoy all the trappings of wealth
by doing fuck all, having 6 kids and getting moved to house I cant ever afford, enjoy tax free 'earnings' better than my full salary and sit on your fat fucking arse watching sky all day.

Oh, but leave the back door open so I can sneak in after work, don't want the nash to know I'm living there LOL.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:21, Reply)

Get high for free
By legally buying opium poppies and growing them in your garden, then blade them and cultivate the sap to produce free opium.

Simple.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:11, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Enjoy all the fun and desperation of living in China
by unplugging your LAN cable or disconnecting your wireless.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:09, Reply)

Get away with streaking
by telling the arresting officer you are an Emperor, and you are wearing your new clothes.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:05, Reply)

Drinking vodka before you leave the house in your car
helps prevent the nervousness you feel whilst waiting for the police in the event of a crash.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:02, Reply)

Make a motorcycle racing suit out of Dairylea slices
and enjoy a filling snack after a crash. Providing the track you race on is made of toast.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 19:01, Reply)

Unsettle people
by making eye contact with them when you climax...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 5 Jul 2011, 18:58, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

gay men pretend you are sheep by wearing a sheep skin coat and living in wales
and if you want live dangerously then say the English are better fuckers
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 18:15, Reply)

Pretend you are Welsh
By strapping a sheep to your back and saying you have bought a Home entertainment system.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 18:05, Reply)

Laugh in the face of adversity
by sticking a post-it note with a joke on its head, so you can read it as it approaches.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 17:28, Reply)

Can't afford a sheepskin coat?
Strap a sheep to your back.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 17:24, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money on MicroMachines.
Live in a penthouse and have people drive around the streets bellow at your command.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 17:21, Reply)

action men make ideal stand ins
for long shots when filming midget porn in a small room
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 5 Jul 2011, 14:24, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)