Like chocolate oranges?
Until midnight tonight, tesco have a glitch in their bellended offers on terrys choc oranges. They are both bogof and 3 for a fiver. Somehow this works out to 6 for £1.75.

I, yes I, not a friend, have just bought 24 for £7.20. Get your fat fucking arses down there now before they twig on our run out. Do it today or do it never you greedy fuckers.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 20:28, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Prevent getting Jimmy Somerville upset
By not leaving him that way.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 17:37, Reply)

Counteract the inevitable crying when chopping an onion
by getting upset prior to hacking into the offending vegetable. Subjects to bring a pre-emptive tear to eye could include the bit in the Disney film Bambi where Bambi's mother dies, the bit in the Neil Jordan film The Crying Game where 'she' gets 'her' knob out, or imagining having spent money to have gone to see the film Avatar...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 11 Oct 2011, 17:36, Reply)

Frighten your sleeping children during the night
by slowly waking them up wearing a 'Jason' style hockey mask and carrying a childs princess wand.
Then shout "where are your fuckin teeth?!" repeatedly until the crying stops.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Amuse yourself either in your office or at home,
By glueing a 2 pound coin to the pavement outside your nearest window.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:54, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Surprise your partner when recieving oral sex
by texting her to tell her.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When picking your nose,
...a penny washer placed over the end of your finger provides a handy depth limiter
(Schindler's Wrist Brimful of asha and a P45, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Avoid heavy fines when caught shitting in the woods or fly tipping
by putting on a barely understandable irish gypsy accent. If you can convince the law that you are a gypsy, your environmental misdemeanor suddenly becomes the cultural practice of proud travelling folk. So the mess will be cleaned up by the council for free, no questions asked.
(bunglist, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Surprise your partner when receiving oral sex
by telling them you're sleeping with their dad.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 15:06, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pre-packed sandwich makers
assume the general public loves mayonnaise, by adding mayonnaise to every sandwich you produce and sell...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:24, Reply)

At an Indian restaurant order your spinach & potatoes to the tune of Agadoo.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Surprise your partner
when receiving oral sex from her, by hiding popping candy in your foreskin
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 10 Oct 2011, 17:21, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Touch makes ideal sound for deaf people*.
*Within certain constraints.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 10 Oct 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Sound makes ideal "sight" for blind people*
*Terms and conditions apply.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Oct 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Kid people into thinking you're a nice person
by saying "hello", "good afternoon", "how are you" etc.
Then you can bitch about them behind their back and they'll be non the wiser
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 10 Oct 2011, 10:57, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Show you partner how much you care and love them
by taking off there gag,and blind fold every once in a while
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 9 Oct 2011, 12:12, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

An obese midget with no legs makes an ideal low fat snack for canibals *





*sorry
some one get the door
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 8 Oct 2011, 17:22, Reply)

A normal-sized packet of crisps
makes an ideal 'Grab Bag' of crisps for midgets and dwarves...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 8 Oct 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Shoot people in the face
using a gun provided by the Ministry of Defence.

You won't even go to prison if you're in their country.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 20:02, Reply)

Let your partner know
that you're horny, by pushing your hard-on into her back as she sleeps.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 17:07, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Motorists
stand out from the crowd by having a personalised number plate.

Because a 3 really does look like the letter E...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 7 Oct 2011, 15:38, Reply)

End tedious conversations quickly by shouting "BORING!" at the talker and walking off.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 14:27, Reply)

Moss makes ideal "California Giant Redwood Trees" for your pet bacteria.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:10, Reply)

finger your scampi flavour niknaks before jumping in to bed
with that minger from greggs
that way you dont ruin the tast of your corn based snack
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 19:13, Reply)

Make people think you've fingered someone by eating scampi Nik-Naks first.
Wait ...

Hang on ...

No, this doesn't really work, actually.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Make people you're speaking to on the phone think
you're watching fireworks by making 'oooh' and 'aaah' noises and repeatedly booting the side of a wardrobe.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Make people think you've been eating
Scampi Nik-Naks by fingering someone first.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Make people think you are posh
by eating prawn cocktail crisps out of a wine glass...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 6 Oct 2011, 10:35, Reply)

When climbing drainpipes to spy on neighbours make sure you wear none slip footwear.

(grendalsbane, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Demonstrate to others how old you are getting
by making 'oooh' noises when sitting down and 'arrgghh' noises when getting up...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 5 Oct 2011, 15:12, Reply)