Want to have a wank, but don't know what to think about?
Try searching for erotic imagery on the internet.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 12:41, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Create a vacuum by adding jam to marmalade.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Re live the glory years of the sixtys by taking Thalidomide for your moring sickness and rest assured the science is never wrong

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 14:45, Reply)

avoid buying expensive wool and the need to fight with grannys in charity shops
by simply taking your power drill to field and unwinding the sheep untill you have enough for your next jumper
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Do not buy thing s for your wife when she is on
my wife asked me to get her a pad the other day , so i did, the dumbwombl only went and bled all over it before cracking the screen.bloody women and there monthly's thats the problem right there
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:44, Reply)

Pretend its 30 years ago
by having sex with six y ...

Oh.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:01, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pretend it's 30 years ago
by breaking into your neighbours house and rifling though her underwear dra . . .

Er, I mean buying an eagle eyes action man on Ebay.
(username failed moderation, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Skunks make ideal "roll on deodrant" for tramps.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Prevent your partner from snoring
by holding a pillow over their face
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 7:20, Reply)

Create trustworthy politicians by
mixing unicorn horn and hens teeth with well paid agency work
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 17:20, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Create space by squeezing lead REALLY hard.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:24, Reply)

Create monkeys by frightening tigers with lions.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Create chests of drawers by adding footstools to vanity units.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Create mice by giving your cat dog food and your dog cat food.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Pretend it's 30 years ago
by acting like an eight year old.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Let wolves know how sexy they are
by whistling at them in a provocative manner...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 15 Nov 2011, 8:04, Reply)

Pretend that it is still 30 years ago by recreating the
Peter the Hammer man Sutcliffe anti prostitute rampage
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 7:52, Reply)

Pretend it's 30 years ago
by eating a Drumstick lolly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 14 Nov 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Recreate the feeling of eating a meal the size of a car by scoffing a whole packet of Refreshers
For an added bonus, you can spend the whole afternoon doing fruit-flavoured burps, too
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 14 Nov 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Refreshers make ideal tasty fizzy fruit-flavoured sweets if you eat them
Yeah, it's not really a tip, I just had a packet for the first time in years and they were lovely!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 14 Nov 2011, 14:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Turn innuendo on its head
The next time you see someone up a ladder or changing a lightbulb, suggestively state "While you're up there"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 14 Nov 2011, 9:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

By cloning yourself several times
you can enjoy a circle of oral without technically being gay
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 15:01, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

For one week only
/Toptips has relocated to /qotw
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 6:02, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Ladies pinch,
WHORES rouge.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 13:54, Reply)

ill?
dont use lemsip.. its horrid

Hot drinks and paracetemol is the same, it tastes better, you dont get a powdery mess at the bottom.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 11:56, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

NEVER Eat Shredded Wheat.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 11:27, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

ill, ran out of lemsip?
knock back some paracetamol and have a curry.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Dog owners:
Get your pooch to shit on a pavement covered with fallen leaves - that way other pedestrians are less likely to see it, and far more likely to track it all through the fucking house.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Insecure women who used to be men.
Only see men with huge penises, they'll make your hands look smaller.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 23:10, Reply)