Transvestites: to avoid being ostracised by society, dress as a lesbian. No one will know what you're up to then.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Opium makes a great low calorie substitute for replaceing the the sherbert in your dibdab

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 21:46, Reply)

If given the option from your mrs about 'fantasy shags'
Don't put her mum first in the list, probably a good idea not to mention her sister either...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 19:00, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Pretend you have bought 'cathedral city' cheese
By eating your own doorstop.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:58, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Stop your neighbours children repeatedly coming into your garden for their football
By repeatedly smashing their smug little faces with a claw hammer, simple.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:56, Reply)

Famous people: Avoid having to tell your partner you're having an affair.
Simply have your bit on the side leave messages on your voicemail and let the paparazzi do it for you.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:54, Reply)

Prevent unwanted attention and sex off the ladies
by being me :(
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:54, Reply)

If your girlfriend doesnt swallow
wank into her coffee in the morning.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:53, Reply)

Make telling your loved one about the affair you're having a little easier
by first hinting that you might have cancer.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 17:08, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Prove to your girlfriend that men can multi-task
by thinking about her sister when having a wank...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 29 Nov 2011, 22:09, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Women who want penises: Attach your vagina to a high power vacuum cleaner overnight. By the morning it should have inverted and grown to the size of a normal penis.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 12:11, Reply)

When in the US and possession of a $50 bill
raise your arm, with your hand extended, whilst being most vocal on the subject...

(also if you have long hair as well as bills in varying other denominations...)
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 29 Nov 2011, 8:01, Reply)

Enjoy a refeshing and envigorateing bath at George Haigh's house all welcome

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 21:44, Reply)

popstars avoid a lingering and humiliating death from aids by
not following in freddy mercurys foot steps
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:30, Reply)

maintain a healthy and vigerous erection
by wanking at every opportunity when browseing the top shelf in whsmiths
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 19:43, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

avoid confusion over your early death and upsetting the kumars at 42
by making it clear that 42 was the age and not the house
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 18:31, Reply)

Maintain a clean nipsy at all times by eating a squirrel whole after every meal.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Recreate a life size game of Space Invaders
by throwing apples at a line dancing convention.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:37, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

TV Tip
Want to convince people you're Dr House? Simply wait until they finish a sentence, then adopt a thoughtful look, repeat the last word they said, shout "Of course!" and then limp purposefully out of the room.
(costas, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Quit your wanking habit
by going out with someone who is always up for it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 1:32, Reply)

Men
Make people think you have a massive penis by fashioning your underwear from a fresnel lens.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 1:28, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Men with large penises: put your penis in a glass of vinegar overnight, by the morning it will have shrivelled to the size of a normal penis.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 0:22, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Enjoy watching episodes of 'Bones'
but want to watch a piss-poor variant of the same premise, with one-dimensional characters and ridiculous unrealistic plotlines? Then watch Rizzoli & Isles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 23:30, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Men with small penises: Put your penis in a glass of water overnight. By the morning it will have swollen to the size of a normal penis.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 19:56, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Although the RAF likes to use the Lake District for low-level training flights:
Don't try to help out with realism by putting a few AA rounds up at them; or you'll never hear the end of it.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 16:14, Reply)

Hip-Hop Artists
show your appreciation for a mid-90s late-night Channel 4 'youth' programme by ending every sentence with 'word'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 26 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Lactating Ladies
spice up those breast-pump moments by humming 'Express Yourself' by NWA to yourselves...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 26 Nov 2011, 9:40, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

When renting a movie:
Make sure you get "Sleeping Beauty" made in 2011 and starring the beautiful Emily Browning and not the 1995 cartoon of the same name.
(Reminded by SonoraAeroClub)
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:53, Reply)