prevent premature ejaculation
by only sleeping with fat, ugly women.

*edit* and fuck it anyway, premature ejaculation is a womens problem, not a mans....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 12:52, Reply)

go on top tips
and leave several posts regarding how to re-enact a musical artist you hate, by giving a explanation of how to achieve the same sound.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 12:17, Reply)

Convince friends that you have a cat
by shitting and puking on the carpet and shredding furniture with a Stanley knife.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 25 Apr 2012, 12:45, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Hear what Nickleback sound like live...
...By farting into a cardboard tube.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 23:52, Reply)

Lost your Muse albums?...
...Recreate the music by repeatedly kicking an owl in the balls.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 23:51, Reply)

Replicate the thrill of a Michael Buble concert...
...By licking a dog's bumhole.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 23:49, Reply)

Create your very own...
...Jessie J action figure, by gluing half a raisin to the top of a lego man's head.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 23:47, Reply)

Annoy the staff in Body Shop
by telling them you want to buy a natural sponge.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 13:47, Reply)

MEN! get cheap thrills
by starting your wee as you are going upstairs, but holding the end of your penis tight until you get to the toilet.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 13:35, Reply)

Frustrate the crap out of yourself
by paying good money for a top rate internet connection and then find out that Youtube HD videos spend more time buffering than playing.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 13:05, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Prevent unwanted attention from women
By coming from Birmingham.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:54, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Want a better night's sleep than you had last night?
Put fresh bed-linen on your bed
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Wed 18 Apr 2012, 16:13, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Make sure everyone knows you're a gay man by prefacing every fucking response you utter during an interview with
"Speaking as a gay man ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 13:00, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Show what a hipster you are
by buying and wearing an "Anarchy" t-shirt.
(username failed moderation, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 13:43, Reply)

Maintain a healthy blood pressure
By not standing in town centres and screaming at people through a megaphone because they declined to buy a copy of Socialist Worker from your rickety trestle table with its charming SMASH CAPITALISM banner on the front.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 11 Apr 2012, 14:23, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Show how rebellious you are
by buying and wearing an "Anarchy" t-shirt.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 10 Apr 2012, 15:42, 5 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

How to deal with annoying cold callers, accidental discovery
If you get a cold caller, push a button at random on your phone so they get a beep and say " I`m awfully sorry, wrong number" this will give some surcease till the penny drops. I had just come off a night shift, had rung a firm with an enquiry and was waiting a call back as my head turned to sleepy mush. Some unwelcome at random tried to sell me a phone contract just as I hung up, crunched a few gears in my head as it wasn`t the firm I was expecting and apologised for dialing the wrong `un.

Give it a go.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 8 Apr 2012, 15:30, 8 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Devalue your IT skills
by bidding on jobs on www.freelancer.co.uk such as converting a Photoshop design to a five page site in XHTML/CSS where the average bid is £28.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 15:37, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Go to work on an egg.
Then when you are late to work tell your boss that the egg broke down.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 0:12, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Freeze your Easter eggs
If you are over thirty and scared of becoming barren.
(Myarse looks big in this, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 22:10, Reply)

Ladies. Worried that we might run out of sex?
Please feel free to join the “panic-shagging” queue outside my door.
(Eukanuba, Sun 1 Apr 2012, 23:22, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

annoy Muslims
by eating fish on a Sunday... or something
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 30 Mar 2012, 10:31, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

amuse motorists washing their car on a Sunday
by asking them if after they've finished they can wash yours... they NEVER get tired of that.....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 30 Mar 2012, 10:27, Reply)

Are you a tit man, or an arse man?
In Sainsburys, if you're an arse man, start off on the far left, as most shoppers do, and follow along the aisles in order looking at arses.

If you're a tit man, start off in the second aisle, other shoppers will always be walking towards you.
(username failed moderation, Thu 29 Mar 2012, 14:28, 7 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Simulate what it's like to be George Osborne
By going to a houseparty where a load of posh rich kids drink all the booze and trash the place, then organising your own houseparty to which you try really hard to invite back all those posh rich kids.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 29 Mar 2012, 11:23, Reply)

Cheer up Kate and Gerry McCann by buying them a French sponge-based cake as a memento.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Men who like shaven fannies
Log in to various women's cancer sufferers websites and look for potential dates there.
The chemotherapy also means you don't have to put up with unsightly pubic stubble rash.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 26 Mar 2012, 19:48, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Trying to help someone who's choking on an ice cube?
Simply pour boiling water down their throat. Problem solved!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 26 Mar 2012, 18:19, Reply)

Jeremy Kyle
Save money on expensive lie-detector tests by simply holding a buttercup under the guest's chin and looking for a yellow glow.

NB This will only work if the question you're asking is 'Do You Like Butter?', so you're probably best off only using this technique if you're dealing with a dispute in which the matter of liking butter is key to the proceedings. For example if you're talking to a woman who's accusing her husband of having sex with some butter.
(costas, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 15:05, 1 reply, 13 years ago)