Chopsticks make ideal cocktail sticks
for horses.
(username failed moderation, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 17:20, Reply)

Giraffes in dark glasses
be careful you don't step on penguins. They're quite small.
(username failed moderation, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 17:20, Reply)

Giraffes..........
..wearing a pair of dark glasses will enable you to get into a 'polar bears only' golf club.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Wed 3 Jul 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Cocktail sticks make ideal cocktail sticks for humans.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Pool cues make ideal cocktail sticks for elephants.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Cocktail sticks make ideal javelins for mice.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 11:51, Reply)

Alcoholics...
... Pretend to be students by having sick
all over your clothes, looking shagged out
all the time and never having any money.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 21:14, Reply)

Fridges: wear denim jackets and hide in trees for lolsome pranks.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Smoking not giving you enough pleasure?
Why not cover all your possessions in a disgusting, greasy film and give your family emphysema at the same time, by doing it indoors.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Parents: moan about never getting any sleep, never having any time or money, and never having the chance to go to the pub.
Then in the same breath say your kids are great and you wouldn't swap them for the world.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 8:57, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Single parents
Pretend to be an alcoholic by having sick all over your clothes, looking shagged out all the time and never having any money.
(Eukanuba, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 7:30, Reply)

Single people,
pretend you have kids by throwing up on your own clothes, looking shagged out all the time and never having any money.
(username failed moderation, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:10, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make people think you're a minor celebrity
by wearing your sunglasses when travelling on the London underground, and insisting that no photos are taken by the hordes of people not pointing cameras at you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Missed out on tickets to Glastonbury?
Well, enjoy all the thrills of the biggest festival in the world by listening to records you dont like, watching television through binoculars the wrong way, throwing your money away and getting all your neighbors to shit in your wardrobe all weekend before rolling around in it. dont forget to tweet and facebook about how good it is as well...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 30 Jun 2013, 2:29, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

When you see your neighbour doing his wife,
cheerfully shout to him 'you can do mine when you're finished!' guarantee he'll fucking love that.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:49, Reply)

When you see your neighbour washing his car,
cheerfully shout to him 'you can do mine when you're finished!' guarantee he'll fucking love that.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:22, Reply)

prevent ants crawling into your urethra whilst you're asleep
by placing a cotton bud securely up there before you go to bed.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 16:27, Reply)

Take advantage of Wimbledon Tennis
by watching Lesbian Porn whilst your wife watches ladies' tennis matches - the grunts and groans will provide ample audible disguise.
( Vambo, Wed 26 Jun 2013, 20:39, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Stave off those winter blues
by killing yourself now
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 26 Jun 2013, 11:17, Reply)

Prevent moths in your house
by boarding up your windows and never putting the lights on.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 26 Jun 2013, 2:27, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your own wasps...
...by sharpening bees.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 12:58, Reply)

Simon, my neighbour
Avoid me overhearing your bird saying 'stop that, it hurts' when you're trying to do her up the wrong 'un, by closing your bedroom window at night.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Delay your orgasm
by putting a picture of my mum on your partners face/back of head.
(chrisedebo has found a sentence that fits in his signatu, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:10, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Are you forced to use time management software at work?
For no reason at all, create a project called "sundries" under your least-liked client, and log in it every time you, erm, log.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:04, Reply)

Alcoholics........
Go to the offy 1st thing in the morning and buy the whole days supply of cheap cider. This will avoid the 'i can't serve you because you're drunk sir' routine at around 1pm.
NB, This doesn't apply to fat people going to McDonalds
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 14:44, Reply)

Sharks
Avoid being mistaken for elephants by keeping out of the custard.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 14:01, Reply)

Ex advertising execs...
If you are going to assault your wife in public, jizz on her tits first. You can then put it down to auto-erotic asphyxiation and not wife beating.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 13:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Elephants.
Avoid becoming covered in custard by not hiding upside down in it.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 11:22, Reply)

Elephants, make people think you're a giraffe by
wearing pyjamas with a 'G' on them.
(username failed moderation, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 10:04, 1 reply, 12 years ago)