Cut your balls off.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:11, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Rachel Riley
Feel free to pop round and sit about my house in a vest and some skimpy pants. No funny business, I'm happy to just enjoy the view. And if you happen to see Mila Kunis, bring her with you.
Tuesday is best because that's when I'm at home on my own.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 9:33, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Set up a tribute to B3ta
By pinching a random selection of content from /links and /board and posting it regularly on Facebook under the pseudonym "The Poke".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 9:26, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Enjoy the unveiling of the new phone box wizard by watching the telly last Sunday.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 7:49, Reply)

Get a feel of
what it might be like to be a muslim woman by wearing a cloak, going outside and watching your telly through the letterbox.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Sat 3 Aug 2013, 13:43, Reply)

Ensure other men oggle your wife's body.
Make her dress in a burqua so they can't admire her hair or face and must, therefore, concentrate on the shape of her body that the thin material so helpfully outlines.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 8:29, Reply)

Single men with reduced sexual appetite.
Ensure your home smells like a young man's bachelor pad by using linden tree leaves a scent.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 8:27, Reply)

Prevent other men ogling your missus when you're in the pub
By gluing her hands together and pouring hot chip fat over her when she's asleep.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 4:03, Reply)

Lose weight easily,
by living entirely on Swiss cheese, as the holes don't weigh anything at all.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 4:00, Reply)

After boiling a kettle
place your well used wank sock into it. in just a few minutes, the whole house will have the refreshing, tangy scent of the linden tree.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 3:57, Reply)

Infuriate BMW and Audi drivers
by simply being on the road at the same time as them...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 1 Aug 2013, 21:20, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Help save the rainforest...
...by chopping it all down, storing it in clearly marked tupperware and putting it in a cupboard where no one can do it any harm.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 1 Aug 2013, 19:43, Reply)

Help save the rainforests
by writing your grimoires on parchment made from the flayed skin of your satanic sacrifice victims.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 1 Aug 2013, 12:05, Reply)

Drugged-up friend in the lav? Scare the shit out of them by quickly installing a seatbelt in your favourite armchair then gluing all your furniture to the ceiling.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 31 Jul 2013, 16:53, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Fishermen!
Jelly babies make a great alternative for expensive live bait, and fish will probably find them just as tasty.
( pemulis, Wed 31 Jul 2013, 14:46, Reply)

Make your own Katie Price...
...by painting a hobo orange. Rub him with fish for added authenticity.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 31 Jul 2013, 11:29, Reply)

Go Alexander Graham Bell crazy by answering the telephone 'Ahoy-hoy' rather than the tried and tested 'Hello'
(Look 'fun' and 'wacky' as a bonus)
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 30 Jul 2013, 15:23, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Sausages make ideal cocktails for surrealists.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Jul 2013, 13:24, Reply)

Cocktail sausages make ideal normal sausages for badgers.

(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Tue 30 Jul 2013, 13:19, Reply)

Seagulls make ideal "krill" for Wales.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 12:52, Reply)

A treadmill,
mounted upside down above your front door, with a foot mat stapled to it, makes a handy automatic hair comber for leaving the house in a hurry. Dont forget to put it in reverse when you come back in though.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 28 Jul 2013, 15:16, Reply)

Make your bath feel like a donkey,
by giving it massively long taps.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 28 Jul 2013, 15:13, Reply)

Soft music, dimmed lights and candles,
help set a romantic ambience when trying to stick two fists up your wife's minge.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 28 Jul 2013, 15:13, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Cocaine,
makes ideal replacement sugar for fatties.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 28 Jul 2013, 15:11, Reply)

Make your donkey feel like a pharaoh
By giving it a bath in human milk.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sun 28 Jul 2013, 13:09, Reply)

The BBC,
Keep getting Nick Knowles to host television shows. With his complete lack of charisma and humour, I'm sure eventually you'll find a use for the talentless cunt.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 27 Jul 2013, 22:22, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

English 'street' youth rappers and n'er'do wells etc...
If you find yourself in the quite frighteningly regular situation of being interviewed on camera, for whatever reason. Prevent having to continuously repeat the phrases 'know what I mean' and 'you know what I'm saying' by being quite descriptive in the sentence preceding that, and speaking fucking queens english you stupid thick fucks. You're from Hertfordshire not fucking Harlem.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 27 Jul 2013, 18:37, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Create your own new fanny spangled web identity
by stealing everything from /links and putting a new name on it with the number 3 somewhere in the title. I'm thinking 'H3rb Alp3rt's Taxi Driv3r vs th3m'
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sat 27 Jul 2013, 1:57, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Kroll makes an ideal partner when investigating corporate malfeasance.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 22:18, Reply)