Plagued by bothersome savage insectile xenomorphs?
If on a ship, blow them the fuck out into space via a handy airlock.

If on a planet/planetoid, nuke the entire site from orbit - it's the only way to be sure.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 5 Oct 2013, 16:06, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Robots and clones joined forces to attack you?
Simply unleash a horde of savage insectile xenomorphs at them.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 5 Oct 2013, 16:03, Reply)

Got a light scratch on your walnut?
Rub it with a table.
(username failed moderation, Fri 4 Oct 2013, 12:34, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

got a light scratch on your table?
rub it with a walnut, and the scratch should fade to nothing
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 4 Oct 2013, 12:21, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

If at first you don't succeed
give up. No point in being a dick about it.
(username failed moderation, Fri 4 Oct 2013, 8:23, Reply)

Caught having sex with your 10 year old cousin?
When the police officer says "I am arresting you on suspicion of sexual assault on a minor" shout "DON'T CALL ME A FUCKING NONCE" and punch him as hard as you can in the face. He will immediately drop all charges.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Fri 4 Oct 2013, 7:15, Reply)

If at first you don't succeed, Try, TRY AGAIN.
instead of blaming your lack of gumption on some other factor in life. Seriously, GO FOR IT.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 4 Oct 2013, 0:04, Reply)

Men.
Make yourself infinitely more appealing to women by cultivating a bitter, misogynistic personality online.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 15:27, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Women.
Make yourself seem more intelligent by wearing ridiculous shoes and a tiny skirt, then spending the whole night complaining about how your feet hurt and your legs are cold.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 15:25, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Women.
Make yourself look more attractive by shoving liquid-filled bags inside your body in a desperate attempt to alter how certain bits hang.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 15:23, Reply)

Women.
Make yourself look more attractive by gluing pieces of plastic all over yourself.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 14:07, Reply)

Wendy James of Transvision Vamp
You look like Pete Burns after 6 weeks in Belsen. Get the collagen removed from your face and then get down to Greggs before you completely shatter all memories of the massive crush I had on you as a teenager.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:10, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Used condoms
makes ideal fish-flavoured chewing gum for cats
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:08, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Troublesome clone slaves
trying to assert own identity, independence etc?

Simply kill them and replace them with robots.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 0:33, Reply)

Rebellious robot slaves?
Simply deactivate them, and replace them with clones.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 0:32, Reply)

Liven up a boring wait in the departure lounge
by making a grab for one of the policemen's MP5s
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 10:55, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Want to boost your self-confidence and create a general feeling of well-being?
Buy new underwear. Trust me - it works.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 9:23, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Hodor

(how long does it take to delete an account anyway? Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail F, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 1:48, Reply)

Make your very own replica of Madonna's breasts...
...by getting two sandwich bags, putting three tablespoons of custard in each and stapling them to a washboard.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 22:00, Reply)

A splash of ordinary household vinegar, when added to common table salt
Makes an excellent savoury addition to potatoes, once they have been cut into elongated cuboid shapes and deep fried in oil.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Timeless advice
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

This is especially true if, by 'London', you mean 'Wanking'.
(costas, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 11:25, Reply)

Driving your car in foggy conditions? Lean forward. That extra foot makes all the difference
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:02, Reply)

Batteries in your TV remote fading? Pressing the buttons extra hard whilst gritting your teeth ensures it will still work the TV.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Confuse temporary road traffic monitoring systems,
by repeatedly going over the rumble strips on roller-blades.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 24 Sep 2013, 16:42, Reply)

Socialble
STUDENTS: Wondering where to stop for a chat with friends? A staircase or doorway would make an ideal location.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Sep 2013, 14:39, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Remote control troubles?
Having trouble with a remote control? Can't tell if it's the batteries, the remote or the telly that's being a twat? Get the camera on your mobile, point the remote at the lens and press one of the buttons. If the remote's working OK, you'll be able to see the bulb on the front flashing on the screen (the phone can pick up the infra-red light that our puny human eyes can't, y'see).

Of course, the bad news is that this means the remote and batteries are fine, and it's the telly that's fucked.
(costas, Tue 24 Sep 2013, 12:54, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Can't afford a leather-wearing dominatrix to punish you every day?
Simply come back to qotw week after week and parade your miserable existence for all to mock.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Wet matches can be
made to work by heating them over the flame from a lighter.
(username failed moderation, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 11:48, Reply)

http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post2097740
Is a good link to follow for top tips.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 18:49, Reply)

http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ is a good place to go for top tips.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 13:47, 1 reply, 12 years ago)