the "Button"
I'm not sure how widely known this is - I'm always surprised that it isn't gospel amongst men - but on the off chance you haven't heard of it, let me introduce The Button

My friend Matt discovered The Button... I'm not sure how, but he was known to wank a lot. At fourteen, he'd make VHS compilations of highlights from Eurotrash, and wank his little heart out, proud that he could even manage "three without a break".

You'd have thought all his pocket money would go on Kleenex... but no... he had a better technique:

Basically - at the point of orgasm, use your fingers to press down hard on your gooch (halfway betwixt sack and crack), for the duration of the cumming. Rather than shooting gallons of man spuff, you'll be lucky to even get one salty tear... and you'll still experience all the other feelings of euphoria, inner-peace and mild regret.

As horny teenagers, this was a revolutionary discovery. Think of all the hours saved walking to the bathroom to collect preparatory toilet roll. The shame you no longer have to feel when your mum glances at a bin that consists of one Toffee Crisp wrapper, and a mountain of yellowed tissue. The freedom to knock one out in any empty room, at any time... without the sticky consequences.

And as I got a bit older, and I could get intoxicated enough to talk to girls, the technique still had its benefits...

Like that time I got tossed off in my mate's room by the pale indie girl with big tits - got a little bit too excited - and still made it home with pants clean enough to eat your dinner off.

Or the brief moment of clarity, when I realised it was probably not the best idea to gush my slush up a young lady I'd just met in the corridoors of playa magaluf resort without a condom*

Anyway, because I have no idea of the long term implications of sending my seadogs on permanent diversion, I've long since given up the practise... but if you're caught in a tight spot, i'm sure no doctor would discourage you.

*technique does not stop the spread of chlamydia
**probably doesn't constitute birth control either
(juniorsquire, Mon 18 May 2009, 20:34, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

ive heard this can
lead to urinary problems.

because its forced up into yuor bladder.

I may be wrong, but its what ive heard on the grape vine.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 19 May 2009, 13:06, Reply)

hehe, on the 'grape vine'
...get out :-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Bladder

Yeah it divert into your bladder; its an old prostitutes trick so I heard. Always wondered if it made your piss milky?
(kitescreech still here, Wed 20 May 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Placing the inside of a biro
down your japs eye also has the desired effect.
(TheColonel, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Mate, if you dont want your cum to make a mess all over the place, shoot it into your hand and lick it up like a real man.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:14, Reply)

I used to use tissue
now i use small plastic bags £1 for 100.
I shuddered at the thought of sending my chaps 'elsewhere' it will come back to haunt you one day sir.
( Dont point it at your face up the ass, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 22:44, Reply)