An ex-girlfriend of mine was feeling upset and sad
She wanted to vent about her problems. I thought I was being helpful by explaining how she could solve them. After each one of my brilliant "solutions" she would say, "Yeah, but there's also.." and name another problem, to which I would provide a solution.

Finally, she got frustrated and said "I just want you to say you understand."

This was one of the most important things I ever learned.

Sometimes, when people are angry or frustrated and they want to complain about their problems, they don't want you to solve them: they just want to be acknowledged. They want you to listen and say "there there."

When you start giving them advice, it feels to them like you are not listening and you are just bossing them around, when they are venting because they feel like no one is listening anyway.

So, you can save yourself a lot of grief (and time, and mental energy) by just telling people who are angry and upset "I understand," instead of offering solutions. They'll feel better.

Apologies for dullness.
(TommyShanks, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 16:51, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Also, never shave your pubic hair on a whim
I regretted it for weeks.
(TommyShanks, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 16:51, Reply)

i was just about to click and say i agree with you...
but now i can only say "i understand. there, there."
from experience.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 5 Jun 2010, 17:38, Reply)

This was best illustrated
By Charlie Sheen in 'Two and a Half Men'.

Trust me on this.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 18:34, Reply)

I understand

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 12:51, Reply)

You are right.
But it's a shame you are. If I don't give a shit about your problem (and it's solvable) I'll just say "I understand" or "that is awful" -- if I care about you I'll try to solve it for you.
Just how I'm wired and I know a lot of other guys are like this too.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 0:09, Reply)

not just guys
that's pretty much my first instinct as well. Women are in fact probably even more prone to the 'ooh I can fix this' state of mind
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 1:11, Reply)

Good advice,
but I would add that sometimes folks ask for advice or help and then it's OK to have a try if they're genuine about it, but not many things in life have easy solutions so you should always offer it as an idea not a definite solution and bounce it back n forth a bit.
( ..wil, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 18:39, Reply)

There's this thing
called active listening. You feel like a twat when you first start doing it, but with genuinely upset people, it works very well to calm them down, make them feel better. The idea is to reflect back to them, in your own words, what they have said to. If you've misunderstood what they've said, they'll correct you, and you reflect back again.

I think what was happening, is that by offering solutions, you weren't feeling how upset she was. Almost as if, oh you shouldn't feel upset because that is not a real problem. She wanted to be upset, so you let her be upset and work it out.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 20 Jun 2010, 4:42, Reply)

I don't understand.

(waxdart hello., Mon 12 Jul 2010, 14:50, Reply)

You're doing it wrong
I mean, I feel your pain and I understand that you don't understand.

This advice really works!
(Fluffy Face is blaming your picture for breaking my commode, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 0:37, Reply)