THE GREAT PROJECT
I was unemployed for about six months a while back. It was pretty hellish, no money, fuck all to do, and I realised pretty early on that daytime TV was produced by mindless wankers to sate the cerebrally retarted appetites of other mindless wankers. I don't care about home improvements, antiques, mysterious diseases, or self-important shits wearing designer haircuts going on about how fucking great they are. If I wanted that I'd get a job in advertising.

It was fucking awful.

Then I hit upon an idea. A great project. THE great project. A scheme that Brunel himself would've been proud of. I felt like Darwin, spending hours pouring over my materials, sorting them into some kind of order. Trying to find an answer to a question that has plauged humankind for centuries.

And it kept me busy for ages.

Of course, I had to shell out a bit of cash in the pursuit of The Great Project, but it wasn't too pricey - my fortnightly dole cheque covered the expense and left enough cash to purchase tins of tomatoes, peas, and rice.

And still I laboured. The days flew by.

Then, completely without warning, something catastropic happened - I got a fucking job.

The Great Project was not complete, but it certainly wasn't forgotten. With love and great care I put the fruits of my feverish labour in a big cardboard box and marked on the front of it:

THE GREAT PROJECT

Then I put the box in a wardrobe and forgot about it.

Fastforward a year, I'm happy with the current and only Ms Hanky, I have a nice job in central London where I get to drink coffee all day and talk absolute bollocks and get paid for it, and I hear Liz, my girlfriend say:

"What's this?"

I look up from my well-thumbed copy of The Dark Knight Returns and see she's holding the box, my Arc of the Covenant.

I suddenly shit myself.

"Oh, it's nothing," I say, tossing aside the greatest graphic novel ever written and standing to take the box off her.

"But it says 'The Great Project' on it," says Liz. "What is it? Can I open it? I'm going to open it."

And she does. Liz is small, petite, but she's got a fiery Welsh temper and once she decides to do something, well, no power in the Universe can stop her. Not even the Dark Knight himself.

Liz places the box on the floor, pulls back the flaps, and stares.

And I feel my arsehole start to hum.

"What the fuck is THIS???" Liz enquires.

I shrug.

Liz reaches in and takes out some of the discs which I've loveingly labled. She scans a few of them. She slams them down. She finds the folder that I was compiling as a catalogue of my Great Work, opens it, looks at some of my notes.

"You," she spits. "Are fucking SICK!" And she gets her coat and storms out, slamming th flat door behind her.

And I look down at my crowning achievement, wishing I hadn't started the whole project in the first place.

You see, if you're bored and unemployed, by all means look at porn on the internet. But don't, please DON'T, download every conceivable scrap of smut you can find and commit it to disk. And don't, whatever you do, catalogue the smut into categories such as: Watersports, Beastiality, Lesbian, Cumshot (on tits), Cumshot (with facial), Anal, Anal with Cumshot, and so on on individual disks. And don't, for the love of God, make a cross referenced catalogue featuring your personal such as:

'Beastiality, Disk Three, File Name: Zoo Zone - Nice feature, the girl has got incredible tits and swallows the entire donkey load. I give it 5 stars. Music was a bit off putting though.'

It makes you look fucking weird.

It took a fucking long, long, looooonnnngggg time to get Liz to come back home. And when she did she was none too fucking happy with me, I can tell you.

And she made me bin The Great Project.

I still wonder to this day if some lucky teenage lad hit the jackpot, won the proverbial Euromillions Rollover, when he found that box of smut, THE ultimate box of smut, in a skip on Camden Road.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:37, 21 replies)

HeeHeeHee
like it lots!
(Errin C, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:39, closed)

You really
should've got rid of that box you idiot. Ha!
(Lizard King, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:40, closed)

Nah, he should have hid it better.
.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 18:24, closed)

Greatest graphic novel ever written?
Don't get me wrong, I love Batman! My bank statement each month stands testament to that. But Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Any Sandman collection, Year One?

Maybe I just have a downer on Frank Miller after reading All Star Batman and Robin!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:46, closed)

Please...
don't remind me about that All Star pile of monkey spunk... But look at The Dark Knight Returns as a stand alone work - its just fucking ace.

Note: Alan Moore used to live in the same village as me, he used to buy his newspaper from the newsagents that originally got me hooked on nicotine. Woo!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:50, closed)

Don't get me wrong I like DKR
In fact I even like strikes back! I just don't think it's the masterpiece it's made out to be. It's good, almost great, but not quite.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:58, closed)

"swallows the entire donkey load"
Made me chuckle^^


Speaking of which it was a very worthy project I have to say. A shame it was never completed!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:47, closed)

"well catologued organised pron collection"
Would swing it for me if I saw it on an applicant's CV.

*click*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:48, closed)

Just as well in one sense
If you'd still had that porn collection you'd have probably been arrested for having extreme pornography and had your computers confiscated for 6 months.
(Banjax, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:53, closed)

click
why can't men let go of their porn? why?!? hehehehe!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:57, closed)

I realised I'd met the woman I love...
...when the jazz mags went out voluntarily in the bin.

I can only hope that whatever tattered shards of my spank books that remain un-incinerated are being studied by teenagers single mindedly wanking like safari park chimps.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:12, closed)

Me too, PJM
When I met Liz all my incredible collection of porn went in the bin - now when I wank I only ever think about her (I know, I'm a romantic). I just genuinely forgot about this box of downloaded filth.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:15, closed)

That
brought a tear to my jap's eye. You old romantic!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 4 Apr 2009, 14:43, closed)

You sir
are some sort of king. *click*
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:01, closed)

how
did you catagorise the ones that crossover?

like interratial midgets, or Shemale nuns?
(Lord Chode, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:04, closed)

I had a pretty complicated
colour chart thing going on.

It had a key and everything.

It really was a work of beauty and wonder.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:13, closed)

hahaha
fuckin genius
(Lord Chode, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:47, closed)

Funny as!
thanks! ;-)
(Milly One, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:24, closed)

Interesting, and disturbing.
You were going for a hybrid of the Wayback Machine, a sort of World Porn Bank?
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 16:43, closed)

this
reminds me of when Spimf moved to Dubai and offered his pron collection over b3ta so he didn't go to gaol.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sat 4 Apr 2009, 0:38, closed)

You really should
be more careful about where you leave your porn! HeeHee!
(Hotty, Sat 4 Apr 2009, 12:59, closed)