*something about invading Poland, concentration camps or whatever*
Do it yourselves, you mugs.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Jul 2013, 11:08, 12 replies)

The bastards
cut out my tongue.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 19 Jul 2013, 10:36, 14 replies)

I thought long and hard about this one.
I weighed up how much monkey-shit I'm going to have flung at me compared with how cathartic this would be and how much it would ease my conscience. Seeing the amount this "incident" has weighed upon my soul - letting it all out seemed like the best choice.
(Wavy Lines)

We find the young ringofyre MizMcUg playing He-Man with his (then) besty Jezza. MM has just got the Battle-Cat/Cringer toy. It is fucking beaut. One moment it is a mild-mannered green & yellow striped tiger - Cringer, the next moment - by the power of Grey-Skull and draping a reddish, rubber saddle over him, he is magically transformed into Battle-Cat - harbinger of doom of all who stand against He-Man.
Jezza seemed quite taken with my new acquisition as the best pose-able toy he brought to the party was Beast-Man and some Action Man guns (which kind fitted into the hand grips).
At then end of our days play MM discovers that Battle-Cat has decamped. At first concerned and then down-right panicking the young man and his seemingly indifferent friend search for the lost toy. No-where to be found.
At 1st MM is not suspicious when the following day Jezza appears at school with a BRAND NEW Battle-Cat, that he apparently got as a present from some long lost cousin the night before when he got home from visiting MM. And then doubt begins to creep in. MM eventually accuses Jezza, who of course denies it completely and the friendship slowly crumbles like Corn Flakes getting soggy at the bottom of the bowl.

Cue many years later on the other side of the country - a young MM is bipping and bopping thru the 90's going to clubs and taking some AVERAGE-SIZED drugs. One night at a gay club (where else were you going to get good drugs?) MM comes across someone in the dunnies whilst scoring a couple of pills. The someone, as he turns his head over his shoulder whilst ramming his cock down the throat of guy on the dunny seems familiar. At first MM can't place the face. & then it hits him - JEZZA!!!!. *To those of you crying "Gaaay" - bear in mind this is the 90's, buying pills in a gay club toilet*
MM and Jezza reunite at the club, exchange numbers and then never call each other. As you do when you buy/sell drugs in a gay club toilets. The pills were shit btw - I've had better highs off my kid's multivitamins.

A few years later MM is working as a cook for a catering company. One day he has to do the prep and presentation for a wedding. Imagine his surprise on the day when he meets the groom and (no prizes for guesses) it's Jezza! Marrying some pretty young thing.
During the speeches Jezzas best man (having found out that we knew each other when we were younger) calls me up both to thank us (the catering co.) and to ask me to say a few words.
"I knew the groom when we were kids". I say. Then whilst Jezza (and everyone else) is looking at me with the doe-eyed nostalgia that only weddings can inspire, I comment - "I knew him when he was getting blowjobs in [popular gay nightclub] and selling drugs. I also knew him when he stole my He-Man Battle-Cat figurine."
The room was silent. I strolled off into the kitchen.

Unreasonably cruel?
You go without owning Battle-Cat during your upbringing and then get back to me.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 19 Jul 2013, 9:02, 9 replies)

Papa! Papa! I've made a slug!
No. What you've done is peel a snail.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 19 Jul 2013, 8:59, 5 replies)

"You love Christopher Lee as a vampire so you like vampires and were wolves are cool as well"
Mate I paid real money to see twilight. I may never recover.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 21:35, 25 replies)

Raaaaaaarnold
I went to quite a traditional boys grammar school. Whilst the clever and more studious pupils were lauded for their achievements and application, people like me, reasonable bright but with no motivation were left to get up to all sorts of mischief.

As this is about unreasonably cruelty, the one thing that springs to mind as being something I genuinely regret was the way we treated Rarnold. Now Rarnold was a tall for his age, puppy fat ugly misshapen bin bag of a teenager. He was also blessed with continual scabs around his mouth and lips, seeping puss and bile, flaking across his belongings, and for this he was ostracised.

We would do the old 'cats arse' lip thing, to mock him. We would draw him pictures of how we saw him, we even made masks mocking him, and replacement lips for him to wear. All of this was accompanied by us screaming 'RAAAAAAANOLD' in his face, over and over again, probably for years.

It was cruel, he couldn't help it, but it was funny at the time.

Fucking Rarnold.

Also we used to make two of the weedy boys fight each other at lunch breaks for the amusement of virtually the whole class, and wouldn't let them leave without fighting. We were horrible little cruel pricks, but maybe that's what happens at an all boys school.

That and the relentless pretend bumming.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 21:23, 6 replies)

A friend of mine brought a BB gun to a party...
you can probably imagine what happened once a pair of drunken idiots got hold of it, but just in case there is any doubt, we took it off him, threatened him with it over the course of 2 hours and then emptied the chamber into his arse at ridiculously close range. He never brought the gun to a party again. To this day, I can hear his crying....
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 21:06, 4 replies)

I can't do that pre cum thing.

( girlinthehole, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 20:39, 22 replies)

I worked in one mine out in the desert where the chief geo only hired female field assistants. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Their break room was a donger, a steel sea-container with windows. Among the wildlife was the odd feral cat, basically household moggies that had escaped and gone bush at some stage, bred and frighteningly doubled in size, and were doing quite a good job of reducing the native bird and marsupial life. The girls had found a clutch of kittens, christ knows what became of the the mother, and had adopted them.
Now there was an underground geo called Travis, and though he didn't have the attitude of a prick, he did so many prick-like things that you had to come the conclusion that he was a prick.
One day Travis comes into the girls' donga (no sniggering in the back, Thomkins!) and sees the feral kittens playing in the corner while the girls are having their sandwiches. He leaves, get a wooden picket from his trayback landcruiser, re-enters the donger, and proceeds to bludgeon all of them to death in front of the horrified girls who aren't quick enough to restrain him.
I talked to him later, basically "What the fuck, Travis?". But in his mind he was just killing some feral animals the same as most blokes do if given the opportunity. Helping the environment. Not an ounce of remorse.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 20:36, 4 replies)

21st

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 19:05, 2 replies)

Is all cruelty not unreasonable?
Is just kicking that swan to death less cruel than kicking the swan to death whilst wearing Doctor Martens and being egged on by your mates who are pelting it with stones and then you break the fucks neck with your bare hands and laugh at the poor parentless cygnets.

Badger baiting is what is needed in todays society, youth would not be so bothered with their underwear if there was more badger baiting.

reasoned cruelty, I thought a man I saw on the street had killed my brother so I threw acid in his face. I did not have a brother so I suppose the acid to the face was a bit cruel. Some folk cannot take a fucking joke.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 18:39, 8 replies)

Worth a pea
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/post33846
(McChinaman banned, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 17:20, Reply)

Your mum is mean. I had the jesters shoes and she stopped. All I needed was another 6 thrusts.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 17:12, 1 reply)

We put a Jew in the pig bins.
He handled it relatively well until Andrew Griffiths demonstrated his schoolboy urinal prowess and wazzed over the top. Must have been a good five feet.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:58, 6 replies)

The 'Bash' Street Kids from /offtopic hounded me off twitter in an unreasonably cruel manner
simply for trying to bring it to Rob's attention that they'd gone 'too far' and should try to be a bit nicer once in a while.
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:53, 6 replies)

Amorous Badger has logged into another qftw I see.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:45, Reply)

"You're adopted. Lol! Not really! Actually you are. Lol! Not really!"
Ad infinitum
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:37, 2 replies)

We threw a boy into one of those massive metal school bins, someone sat on the lid and everyone else beat the bin with lumps of wood to deafen him as he cowered in the stinking rubbish.
That was pretty harsh. We only did it because he looked a bit like Danny Kendall from Grange Hill.
( wanderlust, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:36, 26 replies)

High jinks
A mate of mine went to a posh public school. Apparently there is a tradition there to play tricks on the new kids - what the Merkins call "hazing", I believe.

His particular ordeal was a corker: they grabbed him, rolled him in a blanket, kicked the shit out of him for a while, then carried him, still wrapped, to the top of a high staircase. They balanced him precariously on the edge, told him exactly where he was - over a sheer drop to stone stairs about 10 or 15 metres below - then pushed him off.

Or rather, they ran around for a while, then balanced him on the end of a bed, before making him *think* he was at the top of the stairs. So, for the split second between being pushed off the bed and hitting the ground about a metre below, he really thought he was plummeting to a violent, bone shattering end.

A year or so later he did the same thing to someone else. Which just goes to show, really.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:33, 1 reply)

I actually had a wedding invite written out for Baldmonkey.
But then I didn't send it.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:28, 6 replies)

Well bollocks, I was writing for the previous question so here it is:
Some of my earliest memories are of playing with myself. There was nothing sexual about it, just a wonder at how my frontside worked. No one diddled me or showed me how. I simply discovered one day that if I twiddled it around things felt wonderful, my nipples stood on end and my crotch felt like a thousand angels congregated on my landing strip and made music emanate from my crotch.

At 10 years old my sexuality had been blossoming for at least a year. When we moved house I found a magazine full of naked people in the loft and, for some reason, it made me feel funny even though I'd only thought about boys in an immature way like that before. Subsequently, barely-clothed Baywatch folk made my body squirm in a way I'd never felt before, some kind of tingly invader to my hips. I knew there was something more to be found than this profound shiver that ran through my soul every time I thought about intimacy.

My best friend Hannah showed me some of her dad's porn. It was complete rubbish to me. One image that sticks is a closeup of a construction worker in a digger ploughing away at a vagina. He had his way with the her but she appeared to have no real enjoyment of the situation. I came away from the evening unsatisfied and confused.

Later, in my excursions across the street and into the woods, my boy friends and I came across discarded porn magazines on no less than three occasions. I was 10, 11, 12 by now. On each occasion I'd look at them, becoming more aroused each time but with no idea what was going on beyond the vague and painful lessons on sex I got in school to draw from. Then I'd discard them, knowing that looking was for some reason wrong but with no clear understanding of why.

When I was twelve, we moved to a new town a couple of hours drive from our old one. In our new town I was painfully shy with absolutely no idea how to interact with other people, my age or otherwise. I learned early that things were less painful if I just shut up, kept my head down and tried not to attract attention. This mostly worked.

A friend of mine, Hayley, took me out to her parents detached garage one afternoon and showed me her dad's porn collection. This is the first time I remember experiencing an identifiable lust hit. Something about those naked people caused a powerful reaction in me. More powerful than anything I'd ever experienced before.

I couldn't stop thinking about all those naked people in the magazines, all that wonderful cock and sexual desire published in technicolour for our satisfaction. I decided to mount a midnight expedition to Hayley's garage, broke in and stole her dad's magazines. It was at about this same time that I became aware of just what all those clandestine conversations had been about. Boys, porn, masturbation and every kind of sexual reference you could think of. It all locked into place for me.

Once I'd acquired this basic gallery of pornography I was confused. Visually things seemed obvious but I couldn't imagine sharing myself with someone else that way. I embarked on a quest to find out what sex was all about. I asked all my girlfriends what they knew about sex, tried to dig out the truth from the hundreds of sexual lies that float around during our teens. As much as everyone seemed to know, none of it seemed realistic or romatic, and my early-teen mind couldn't cope with the explosion of taboo and dirty thoughts that chats with my peer groups produced.

It was a wonderfully sunny day when I finally succumbed to the big "O". After looking through my dad's collection, I read in "All Color Swedish Erotica 1987/4" that vibrations encourage orgasms. I spent a year listening to his Remington razor zizz away in the bathroom in the mornings before I realised that it vibrated. I borrowed it while he was at work that summer's day, sweaty and horny in my long white dress. I went up to my room and opened both the window and the skylight, it was so hot. I plugged the electric razor in and pushed the teddy-bears off to make it cooler. I lay back on my bed, hitched my skirt up and turned the razor on, pressing it gently on my sex.

It felt amazing. Every which way I moved, it made everything tingle and buzz and shout and distract and build. I pushed my back up and my hips spread naturally and it all started to feel wonderful. I lifted my legs up over my shoulders, opening myself to this wonderful new feeling. I revelled in the feeling of being so open, so bare to the world, totally available to anyone and anything that wanted to fuck me. I kept at it, pushed, rubbed, buzzed up and down and across and around until things started to go pink, an earthquake shook my room and the whole world took on new meaning as I shot stream after stream of sticky white spunk all over my face.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:24, 1 reply)

I have a friend who is a complete Grammar Nazi
I always make sure to make as many grammatical errors as possible around him, it really winds him up!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:22, 2 replies)

The b3ta mods have posted another QOTW I see.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:18, Reply)

sixth

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:18, Reply)

We once put an empty chest of drawers over Alex Bennet
Then started putting the drawers back in.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:17, Reply)

Fourth

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Third

(piston_broke Actually thinks Supermatt is a decent bloke., Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Second

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:13, Reply)

First

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 16:09, 14 replies)