It almost killed me.
Last summer, vommiting almost killed me. Looking back after the event, I reckon it was the rat poison that did it.
I often have rodents living in the roof-space of my house, so this particular day I was doing the usual routine of throwing poison about the loft. It comes in wee sachets containing a paste that smells like marzipan. Once finished, I put everything away, and must have been distracted by something else, as I cant recall washing my hands. A serious error.
I made a sandwich for lunch and went about the rest of the day. Later in the evening, I felt a bit of a headache coming on, but didnt think much of it - A shower and a good nights sleep would sort that out. I had the shower and went to bed.
I woke up very suddenly at about 3am with that "I need to shit RIGHT FUCKING NOW" feeling - I had been seconds away from fouling the bed, but managed to get up and run to the toilet in time. I sat and fired liquid into the bowl for a couple of splattery minutes.
Having the shits isnt the end of the world is it? I certainly wasnt worried, although I didnt remember eating anything dodgy. It was as I was wiping up that I got the stirring guts sensation that suggested puke was imminent too.
I was wondering what might have brought this on as I turned round and assumed the position - on hands and knees infront of the pan.
My stomach was churning and my guts started heaving - the vom was on its way, so I opened wide and prepared for it...........nothing came out. Dry heaves, perhaps? my guts were going through the motions alright, but nowt was rising.....then I felt movement, slow, almost slithering movement in my guts. I could feel the puke rising so hideously slowly through my tubes....my stomach was pumping like mad, but the puke was taking its sweet time coming up - it was a horrible sensation.
After a couple of minutes of this, the puke finally reached the home straight and I felt it rise slowly up my throat and into my mouth. I opened wide and expected the usual splatter with perhaps some coming out my nose too, but no....no. It was horrible. This THING came slowly out of my throat. It was a long, solid mass slowly being extruded out of my mouth. It drooped down towards the pan.
Aside from the horror at this fucking thing coming out of my mouth, I started having really serious difficulty breathing - I could only catch the odd tiny gasp of air as this stuff, the consistency of warm plastecine, flowed out from my throat.
I was gripping the rim of the bog and my feet were thrashing around as I wondered what the hell was going on...what was this stuff? why the hell wasnt it coming out like normal puke? why couldnt I breath properly?
And still it kept coming, until I had a solid mass dangling from my throat down to the surface of the water in the pan. What to do now? My stomach was still pumping madly and more and more stuff was oozing out. Ths went on for pehaps a couple of minutes although it felt like eternity. I decided to bite off the length that was dangling - the feeling of it on my teeth was horrible. It was quite firm, warm and sticky and it was still coming.
By then, my breath was coming in the odd wheezing, whistling gasp and I was fairly certain I was about to die - in perhaps a week or so, my sister would come round to the house and find me naked on the toilet floor with this monstrous stuff sticking out my throat - what a way to die.
I was shivering, shaking, crying and still gasping for breath, and onwards the puke extruded....I bit off another length, which dropped into the pan with a soft splash and still more came out...How long could this go on for? To my relief, a few more inches wormed their way out and dropped into the pan. It was over. I drew in massive, gasping lungfulls of air - overjoyed at still being alive, and found myself feeling....absolutely right as rain. No after-effects, no more heaving, I felt perfecly normal.
I brushed my teeth to get rid of the film that had stuck to them and went back to bed in a rather confused state. I slept fine and woke the next morning as normal, feeling great.

I dont really know what to make of it all. I assume I had traces of poison on my hands when I made lunch which caused this, but have no way of knowing for sure. Im bloody carefull with the stuff now as I really, REALLY dont want to go through that again.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 7 Jan 2010, 20:07, 11 replies)

You get a click
purely for being one of the most terrifying answers to a QOTW I have ever read.
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 7 Jan 2010, 21:09, closed)

ewwwww
I thought you were going to say that you were puking up your intestines

what did the stuff taste like when you bit it off?
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 7 Jan 2010, 23:51, closed)

fuck me
that's far and away the best one i've read so far. biting off lengths of it? next level nastiness dude. amazing.
( tickle I was away, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 9:52, closed)

Respect
You've just put every vomit-related tale I can think of into the shade. Just a shame you didn't take a photograph.
(Bappage, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 10:54, closed)

good grief
I cant believe it, ive told a similar story to my friends in the pub for years and thought I must have hallucinated or dreamt it (alas not to be). I once saw a news article *cough*Newsround*Cough* detailing similar things happening to chubby english kids who eat too many battered sausages and clog their bowls up with the associated cholesterol, which doesnt sound like my experience. The only thing I can remember about my period before was drinking Jack Daniels like it was going out of fashion with a healthy side order of prawn cocktail quavers.....in all seriousness I was having the same "im going to choke with a poo hanging out of my mouth" thoughts....though for my eternal shame and gratitude my old man heard my gurgling and "assisted" in it's removal, accompanied with a bemused look, like he was looking into my soul for an explanation...I feel like for all my life (since) I've been looking for some kind of vindication for my own personal torment and I thank you for also being a brethren of the mouth poo and being brave enough to admit....hurrah (I think).

*click*
(Smellyape liking http://www.b3ta.com/bpma/, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:22, closed)

I laughed at this quite a lot, sorry

you should have grabbed the cunt and pulled!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:34, closed)

I thought that
and I would have wanted to keep it so I could show someone.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:39, closed)

Are you John Carpenter?
That was truly terrifying. I first read this late last night, downstairs alone, but it was scary so I shut the laptop and ran upstairs to bed.

I've got goosebumps just reading it again.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:37, closed)

Karma
For doing it to the poor rats in your loft I guess. Get a fucking trap dammit!
(thebdaman hmmm....., Sat 9 Jan 2010, 2:01, closed)

That's fantastic
well worth near death for such and entertaining story.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 9 Jan 2010, 21:13, closed)

You get a click solely for the fact that I started heaving about halfway through reading this.. and ended with me having to run to the bathroom to have be sick by the last two lines. Horrible, truly horrible.
(Ariaxen, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 15:54, closed)