Richard III was a bastard - he built a keep for Edward V, but a witch made it fall down
It was a cursed poor son fort job.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 20:02, 1 reply)

A priest named Chobb went to visit a church run by a breakaway sect of the Catholic Church.
The religion practised by this sect was very similar to orthodox Catholicism, with one crucial difference - instead of depicting Jesus, all of its religious imagery appeared to depict the lead singer from the B-52s, Kate Pierson.

Barely able to contain his ever growing anger at the sight of such blatantly imitative heresy, Chobb asked the leader of the sect, "Who on earth is this flame-haired harlot you insist on worshipping?"

"Howay man," replied the leader (who was a Geordie), "she's wor St. Pierson, Father Chobb!"
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 15:55, 17 replies)

There is a hotdog cart right by the station near work.
It's owned by a german man, but he was absolutly useless. First I asked for mustard and he put ketchup on, then I asked for onions and he put on cabbage, and finally the bun was two slices of ASDA Value White Sliced. When he presented the hotdog to me, I asked him what kind of hotdog man he thinks he is; who on earth would employ a guy like him? and he goes to me "To tell you the truth, I was actually a carpenter before I got this job, I guess I am the wurst guy for the job".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 15:26, 1 reply)

I should totally be QOTW mod.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 15:14, 3 replies)

I had a massive coughing fit in front of Rowan Williams yesterday and the cunt didn't even say "bless you".
True story. Not funny or owt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 14:18, 5 replies)

My nan was buried by an anglican priest from the west midlands.
He was the Worcester parson for the job.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 14:04, Reply)

The CIA are trying to kill Mr Manuel using cyanide-coated playing cards
Whist poison for the Rob.
(ubergeekian, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 14:00, Reply)

So I was in, erm Paris, right, and I needed to smear something smelly on Nicolas Sarkozy for some reason, right, so I got this old trout, and hit it a few times with a hammer, right, so it became the burst poisson for the job.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 13:57, Reply)

A thuggish friend of mine pays prostitutes to urinate on him
Whores piss on for the yob.
(ubergeekian, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 13:55, Reply)

If you're looking for someone to write you a Rubaiyat, don't ask Omar Khayyam.
He's the verse Persian for the job.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 13:42, 4 replies)

Jesus.
Can you think of anyone else who took voluntary redundancy by getting crucified and then supposedly came back in an even more senior management position by being "reborn".

Thought not.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 9 Sep 2012, 9:35, 37 replies)

The minister at my local church can't read the speeches of Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar without laughing.
She really is the worst parson for the Job.
(ubergeekian, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 8:42, 2 replies)

Booze, boredom and a leaky bum
Without a doubt, my current boss is the second worst person I've even seen do, what is on paper, a very simple job. Speak to people, get results and know what you're talking about. She is only the second worst at this, because the last one we had shat himself in front of the clients. Thank god for alcohol because it's the only way any of us can sleep at night, knowing these morons are in charge.
(No, I'm not a model Strange things are afoot at the Circle K, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 2:15, 1 reply)

There's this bloke at work who did this thing wrong lol it was me lololololololololol

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 21:19, Reply)

There's some cunt at work who never resets the microwave in the coffee room's timer after using it.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 20:57, 5 replies)

Matt Smith

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 20:19, 34 replies)

My gearing purred. I hadn't been this wound up in a long time, but something about him drove me wild. My circuits frothed.
The crash had woken me up. I'm normally plugged into the mains at this time like all the other droids, powered down and cycling the day's data, but for some reason I'd left my sensors on. I detected the impact with my internal gyros, and new it was something big.

But now, stood in the back yard with the night air steaming around my excited motors, I never anticipated how big. He was huge, in more ways than one. His lithe frame towered over me, limbs trembling with raw power despite their slenderness. And he was black, pure black, just the way I like them. I'd never seen another robot like him, and I knew he was not from this sector.

He stood in the doorway of the shed, framed in a pulsing orange glow. The same glow that burned through the smoke rising from the hole in the shed roof, that he'd obviously fallen through. He stood stock still.

And then it hit me. A hailing frequency that didn't just request but demanded I respond. Its force hit my receptors brutally, and the discharge spread through my internal wiring with a delicious overpowering shiver. My motors spasmed, stepper motors whining, and my coms port popped open immediately. I was powerless to resist his calling, and I stepped forward on shaky limbs.

He receded into the smoke as I walked towards the doorway of the shed, until his silhouette was shrouded in the writhing mist. I stood still, waiting.

His com-port cable surged forward. Thick, black, metres long, it thrust through the smoke straight for my now open comport, and connected with such force that my legs went weak. And he discharged, oh how he discharged into me. I put out my arms and gripped the doorframe of the shed to keep me steady, feeling the rough splinters under my sensor pads as his powerful flow overwhelmed me. I burbled. I gasped. My body shook under the dominant force of his possession.

I woke in my recharge cell. Surely, this was all a dream. A glitch of my data reprocessing, a spike in the power distribution. I performed a body scan for errors, checking all sensors.

"Error detected; left articulator", chimed the scan. I looked down at my hand. There, wedged between the knuckles of my index finger, was a rough wooden splinter.

I heard you guys like alien robot shed porn
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 19:41, 5 replies)

*bored*
Garry Glitter's child rearing services
Ian Huntly's plumbing
Harrold Shipman's care home
Apeloverage's School of Viral Marketing and Journelism.
Tigar Wood's Martial Dispute Specialists.
Monica Lewinski Dry Cleaners (specialsing in blazers)
Magret Thature's Burlesk House
Ann Widdecombe's House of ill Repute.
Vodafone School of Accountancy.
David Cammron's Outreach Centre.



* As in, writting copy
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 16:45, 36 replies)

This guy I worked with decided to name his newborn son after a character from the Bible.
Also, we always used to take the piss out of him because of the bag he carried change around in, which was a really nasty and garish woman's clutch type.

Yeah, he had the poorest quality wallet and begot Moses.
Another totally valid, non-bullying post.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 15:49, 10 replies)

"A german friend of mine used to make sausages for a living.
So he was the bratwurst person for the job HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA" is another valid contribution to QOTW.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 15:31, Reply)

"A friend of mine used to produce a type of woolen cloth in Norfolk.
He was the worsted person for the job HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

This is a valid contribution to QOTW and in no way an attempt to bully anyone.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 15:13, 6 replies)

haha!
They asked me to contribute something of value onto qotw... *evil cackle*
(bangthedrum, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 9:34, 2 replies)

The moderators.
At the end of the day, it's your site I suppose. But the people who drove me away will find someone else to pick on, and then someone else and so on. And what will you be left with? A bunch of people who, as far as I can see, never contribute anything of any value.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 8 Sep 2012, 5:51, 49 replies)

I'm seeing if Ignore2.0 is up to the job of turning QOTW
into a place to read and post funny stories based on a question posed.
Rather than a /talk-troll shitfight.

Fingers crossed.
:-)
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 8 Sep 2012, 0:37, 39 replies)

The comedy engineer
Once upon a time i was working for a small IT company in the depths of sleepy Surrey. We were understaffed and had a lot of work coming up, so when one of the secretaries said her other half was really good with computers we thought it was worth a shot. Had we ever overheard her talking on the phone to him we may have taken a different path. He believed himself to be a unique talent in this world able to turn his hand to anything.

we first learned that he overestimated his skills after hearing the father of the secretary threaten to punch his lights out if he ever tried to fix her car again as it cost him £300 to get the bonnet and bodywork repaired after some of his expert maintenance.

Our concerns as to his geek skills were first raised when after being perplexed by how to open a dell pc he took to breaking the case by wrenching at it with full force instead of pressing the button and opening it, in front of its owner.

He showed no remorse for any action and would dive in without thought. A client in a business house bought their own mail server so they didn't have to use that of the business house, he configured the mail accounts all by himself, but when he couldn't figure out why they were not receiving mail he was perplexed, after we told him the accounts on the business house server were still active and picking the mail up and he would need to get them to deactivate the accounts. filled with his own confidence he decided to try it without help. 250 deleted accounts and 9 companies email configurations wiped later he was removed from that server and told never to enter that building again.

Many times he would phone up for help with an issue, step by step instructions would be given, which were ignored, then asked for again and followed, and when he got back to the office would proceed to tell the person who baby stepped him through metaphorically wiping his own arse exactly how he solved the conundrum of wiping his own arse.

not to be outdone by the email server shenanigans, the next week he went to another client, the job was to change the name of the accounts user after her marriage. he wiped out their accounts data from the accountants pc and the server, deleting over 150 custom written invoicing templates that had been created over 4 years.

we decided actually being allowed on a computer was too much for him, so we trained him up to install network cabling runs. Which of course he then believed himself to be the best cabling engineer in the world.

His first job was to install 35 points in an office, 17 worked. in his words "Thats bloody good considering im colourblind" (getting the correct colours in the correct pins in faceplates is kind of important, a bit like oxygen being kind of necessary to live)

i left the company for another job, the last i heard of him he was moving to devon to become a caravan salesman, but to me he will always be the greatest engineer i have ever met
(podgerama, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 22:57, 1 reply)

How not to build an indoor running track in an arena.
Working at the world indoor athletic championships in Birmingham 2003
The indoor running track is made up of separate pieces which all click into place (sledge hammer into place). however you have to get the angle of the first curve perfectly to make the far end fit together as its a big oval. Also there has to be enough room around the track to pull out the seating units and have a walk way, so if its buggered up and slightly off the track will go into the wall.
All the angles to get it correctly built are taken from the datum point in the floor at one end of the arena. However one year Disney on ice didn't put down any foam insulation and this caused the floor of the arena to warp, in other words the datum point was completely off.
images.icnetwork.co.uk/upl/birmmail/feb2008/0/2/2C3AD5CC-D799-2A82-0F5BDCB4652A728C.jpg
This didn't stop the arena floor manager making us build it and re build the indoor track 3 times, as much as we pointed this out and his measurements would be wrong..he knew the datum point was off and that his measurements would be wrong but he still carried on regardless.
AS usual in that job we pulled it out of our arses in the last remaining few hours
( The invisible ham Fig rolls are the best, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 22:29, Reply)

Youth of today....
We managed to break the last apprentice in 2 days, not particularly stressful job either - get item from box, test it, list on eBay.

Going for half a day or less with the next one ;)
(Outrun Is it the weekend yet?, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 21:54, 3 replies)

Teachers
I see they're going on strike again. Clearly 13 weeks holiday a year just isn't enough.
That and half of them are probably kiddy fiddlers.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 18:31, 55 replies)

It would have to be me
I wrote an IF statement the other day and forgot to bracket off some variables when using an OR condition. Oh how we laughed about that one!
(BoredCouncilWorker, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 16:23, 3 replies)