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oh boy this is riveting

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:35, archived)
This one time I put the wrong staples in my stapler. I could see they were wrong because they were far too small. I took them out and put the right ones in.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:40, archived)
Today, right
I had to go downstairs to sign for a package but it was not my package and I laughed with the postman about how the packages I sign for are never for me hahahahahahahahaha
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:42, archived)
oh, MAN.
you have all the best stories.

then what happened?
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:53, archived)
then, yeah
I took a phone call for someone here but they're not at their desk, lol! So I had to take a message!
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:18, archived)
pffffffffffffffft.
you're MAD, you are!!!
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:20, archived)
That girl needs therapy.
She's a nut! She's crazy in the coconut!
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:32, archived)
The way I heard it, the staples were too big
it's one of those urban myths.
(I helped save b3ta! wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:43, archived)

I could put up with this kind of exaggeration on QOTW but here? it's frankly out of place, anyway no-one's going to believe this actually happened are they
(I helped save b3ta! vladimir, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:43, archived)
QOTWifier deployed...
This one time the wrong staples put themselves in my stapler. That was it's first mistake. I could see they were wrong because I have highly tuned senses from my kung fu training. I made a VERY pithy remark and they took themselves out and put the right ones in. The right ones looked like supermodels and loved being put in because they thought I was great. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:51, archived)
you forgot 'cheers'.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:54, archived)
Cheers.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:56, archived)
i'm looking forward to the part where he tells us what sort of filing system he uses.
i hope there's coloured stickers. otherwise i'm going to kick RIGHT off.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:43, archived)
It's the almost Dickensian grasp of narrative drive that I find so satisfying
if this doesn't make the Booker shortlist, the literary culture of this country is moribund.
(I helped save b3ta! wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:46, archived)
booker? pffft. don't be so boorish.
nobel aaaall the way, baby.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:50, archived)

There was a missing document: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of this document was where I would seek its whereabouts, its location, its dwelling-place, its home. I had signed it: it was not a court document. The document was as indexed as a very important document, of importance to fine ladies and gentlemen who would walk along the Strand saying to themselves, how they hoped their important yet not court document was safe in the keeping of myself, clerk and scribbler, player of novel sporting activities during my one day of leisure in the year.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, how this document came to be missing. I might have been inclined, myself, not to check on its whereabouts had not the morning been particularly slow and ponderous. But the wisdom of administration is a mystery, and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that the document was missing.

The mention of this absence brings me back to the point I started from. There is no doubt that the document was missing. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, in an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out after dark in a breezy spot -- say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance -- literally to astonish his son's weak mind.
(I helped save b3ta! vladimir, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:59, archived)
This is beautiful

(I helped save b3ta! wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:03, archived)

that's because it's Dickens
(I helped save b3ta! vladimir, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:12, archived)
I bet he has to wear a tie and believes one day he really will be a highly-paid lawyer

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:47, archived)
:(

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:09, archived)
And I wasn't slagging off co-workers
so your grilling was WRONG you hessien-clothed mongoloid
(I helped save b3ta! Frisbee TeaBoy, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:48, archived)
Wooooah now, no time for digression
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
(I helped save b3ta! wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:50, archived)
oh, zing.
i hope that when you're finally allowed to do something a bit more important than making the tea and doing the shredding, they show you where your spellcheck icon is.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:52, archived)
I'm briefing Counsel
Shredding is done by the only person who's lower down than me.
Tea, however, is made by everyone including the senior partners. It's like that hippy colony you've always dreamed of going to except there's suits, non-shitty hair and general cleanliness.
(I helped save b3ta! Frisbee TeaBoy, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 11:58, archived)
OH FUCKING SHUT UP YOU DULL NEEDY FUCKSPONGE.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:00, archived)
eep!

(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:03, archived)
Hey you, how's the form?

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:06, archived)
'tis grand
how's yourself?
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:09, archived)
Not too bad, met a bloke I worked with 5 years ago in town today
So caught up with the craic and am currently delaying going out to wash the windows, 'cause I'm lazy.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:11, archived)
Feel better?

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:06, archived)
Hello Spider.
This bunch of pixels scares me a little. Most of the time it's fluffy and lovely. Then all of a sudden it flips out and kills every motherfucker in the room.
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:08, archived)
great, innit?

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:10, archived)
if I say yes will you flip out and scare me?

(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:11, archived)
of course not. i'm more scared of you than you are of me.
or is that spiders? i forget.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:22, archived)
Boo!

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:24, archived)
I like her, she's a nice refreshing breeze through this place.
BTW, why are you scared? You could probably kill her 10 times before she hit the ground, if you put your mind to it.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:13, archived)
oh, much.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:08, archived)
How's work treating you today?
Got the urge to run people through with your letter-opener yet?
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:14, archived)
i'm saving that for this afternoon.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:23, archived)
Always handy to have a back-up plan.
Or, you know, you could always say you're going on a site visit then go home. They'd never know.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:26, archived)
Love you really
Ooh, lunch
(I helped save b3ta! Frisbee TeaBoy, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:19, archived)
Fat bastard.

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:22, archived)
MUST JUSTIFY SELF IN FRONT OF B3TA!

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:12, archived)
*golf claps*

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 12:13, archived)