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i did the first two minutes
they're hear somewhere. if only the fucking search button worked.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
HERE WE GO! Piston on... Driving Tests
Awooga. What a rush. Right. Yeah, I got my notes here just in case I completely forget what I'm fucking saying. So, how are we all? Are we all good? Excellent, excellent.

Right, like, I was sort of rehearsing earlier. It is an absolute fucking pleasure to be here in despite the fact that my heart is currently going nineteen to a dozen and I feel like I'm about to take my driving test. Which I failed three times in a row. However, I- the last time I maintain it wasn't my fault.

I like to maintain- thanks there- I like to maintain- God, that's fucking distracting.

I like to maintain that it wasn't actually my fault. It was actually the fact that the OAP stepped out in front of me. And the fact that the driving examiner was actually y-

Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

I like to maintain that it wasn't my fault. It was in fact the fault of the driving examiner in that she didn't get there with the dual controls quick enough. That, and she was a frustrated Daily Mail reading bitch queen man-hating whore from hell. But, so it goes so.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
I could only read 5 words of that.

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
OH GOD IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO READ.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
My knickers are white, with red podka dots

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
Much better.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
SHUTUPSHUTIPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:16, archived)
I am laughing in a packed library
now I am biting my fist and typing with one hadn whilst my eyes stream.

Oh God, give me more.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
It's been ages since you posted some 90nz0 fanfic.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:19, archived)
Piston on.. Formal Greetings
So, I asked, I asked how you-we all were earlier. And, you know, you all obviously responded in the positive. But the answer that you never expect- which admittedly, I've never got- but you live in hope and you don't turn round and say "Actually Jim, I've just been bumraped by a tramp". Yes, I know that's gross-out humour but, any porn in a storm, right. And, especially tramps.

But anyway, and, uh,If you're just asking someone how they are you don't expect their fucking life story. And if you get it, my response, my reaction is to go alright I'm going now bye bye.

Anyway

Anyway.

So.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:20, archived)

i.imgur.com/GbYY6.gif
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:23, archived)
"Right, next up on Mock the Week is the Wheel of News. Where we spin the wheel and whatever topic it lands on, our performers must do a routine based around it."


"Right then Piston. Your topic tonight is... Festivals. Piston, go ahead."

So.

With sort of like with seeming in mind, urm, it is obviously festival season. Anyone going to any rock festivals soon? Leedsfest? Good luck.

Right.

Because, because, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard a story about a guy who sort of like, he's shall we say just a little bit different. He dresses up in a dry suit, this is from what I've heard, I don't know if it's true or not, dresses up in a dry suit with like full mask and snorkel and everything else. And goes and lurks in the long drops. And likes to play a little game with people. Yeah, you've heard this before haven't you. Oh well, so it goes. And, urm, you know he, he likes to, uh, like I say, play a little game. Don't spoil the punchline for me, please. Otherwise I'll be singling you out for a complaint later on. And, like I say, likes to lurk and he lurks in the long drops. Until you at the most vulnerable, your trousers around your ankles already feeling a little bit bleurrgh because of all of the various substances alcohol and the fact that, you know, your dung handles are you know pretty much brushing your shoes. And just at that moment apparently he likes to pop up and just go POP UP PIRATE you know like that.I'm gonna say if you've not had a shit before you certainly will after that.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:32, archived)
I AM ONLY 3:33 THE WAY THROUGH
THIS TASK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:32, archived)
Haha, that's not even halfway.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:38, archived)
Is this you?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l1setkfGlk1qa6uqso1_250.gif
(I helped save b3ta! CowJam, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:08, archived)
Wait a sec, did he say that? As soon as you wrote Festival, I _knew_ it would be that story.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:47, archived)
I hope you're not implying that the only original bit of material in piston broke's stand up routine found at
www.jamescartercomedy.com is the bit about being bumraped by a tramp that fell completely flat and backfired on him enormously and that the rest of it is really old stolen jokes from viz and other suchlike places?
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:50, archived)
Good grief, I don't even understand half the words in that
You could be making this up but the thing is I would never know because I've never lasted more than thirty seconds
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:48, archived)
Piston on.. Chavs
That's just some of the silliness that we see on a daily basis. I mean, for example, once I was waiting at a train station taking part in the commonly known activity as waiting for trains. As you do. And I was there obviously watching the situation. There was my favourite member of the human species just for taking the piss out of: The Chav. He was standing there doing what chavs do - being fucking annoying cunt. But anyway. He was standing there with his can of Special Brew, cigarette, and mobile phone playing what can only be described as fucking noise.

Oi, Wh-where you going?

Alright.

Anyway, back to the story, so he said, doing what he's doing, and there's this little eight year old running around doing what eight year olds do - going, sort of going like "ooh, well, happy days, happy days", you know, I'm not going to run around and run up all my energy so that I won't be an annoying little gimp whatever. And of course his parents were there, I mean, who would leave an eight year old child on there own with a train station? But, come off it. Sorry. And urrrm, yes, so he they're all in their accepted roles. I'm there being the observer thinking "my God, you're being so annoying", and you know, the chav is just going murmrmrmumrmr ntz ntz ntz coming out the mobile playing. And this you know the eight year old is running around playing gets fixed up a gear in the headlights with this chav and this chav just turns round and says "what you looking at?", as chavs apparently like to do when they're sort of like glanced at for half a microsecond by anyone. And this little kid, quick as ever, hold on two seconds, quick as a flash turns around like that and says "I don't know, but it apears to be trying to communicate with me". And I swear to God I've never seen anyone go from angry to confused at the flip of a switch. And the parents just grabbed this kid - Woah! - You know, and, you know, just got out of the situation I'm just sat there silently pissing myself with laughter. Not at the moment, thank God. And, urm, I was there, you know, and you never stood a chance under the powering intellect of an eight year old.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:59, archived)
I was certain I listened to it the whole way through, I even remember the people leaving part
but everything either side of it seems to have been repressed
(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:03, archived)
Piston on... Trains and the Welsh.
Sometimes I like to take a look at my friend, thank you very much Robert Chorlton, and for driving, you know, so I don't have to deal with the bane of Britain's model train system or the wonders of some might say. You know, the inevitable delays, leaves on the line, the platitudes that come out of the speakers, like: "We are sorry to announce the train has been delayed, there is a sheep on the line currently being buggered by a Welshman". For all you Welsh people out there, it's kind of my trait to take the piss out of them. For I am British after all.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:07, archived)
Hnnnngh Welsh British aaaaaaarrrrrggh.
He's so unutterably shit.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:11, archived)
clickin allodese

(I helped save b3ta! Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:18, archived)
For god's sake, it's so difficult to read.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:08, archived)
can't be arsed reading anyomre
if i try i'll probably die or something
(sanguine badger spirits in the room tickle you like a sneaky prawn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:39, archived)