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Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for taking the time to come here tonight.
You've all been a wonderful audience. Has everyone had a good time tonight?

Heh, heh. Brilliant. Well, as you know, we've had a brilliant show tonight. We had the wonderful Wormulus - yes, you all loved him. And let's hear a round of applause for BraynDedd too! Ha ha. Excellent stuff.

We're going to end tonight on a final act. This man has flown in straight from the South of England - and boy are his arms tired! Haha! Yes, yes. It's Baldmonkey. And he's going to recite to you a poem about raping an ostrich.

Take it away... Baldmonkey...
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:02, archived)
WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD THE FUCKING SHOW.
I carried this act, why am I second billed?
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:03, archived)
BraynDedd, you made a woman in the audience cry
You can't tell jokes about being bumraped by a tramp. IT DOES NOT WORK.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
You absolute fucking bastard.
I've never been so insulted in all my life. Comparing me to piston indeed.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
Obligatory link
www.jamescartercomedy.com/
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
I've never watched more than 15 seconds of that.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
I tried to transcribe it once

(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
HaHa
Please do this.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
i did the first two minutes
they're hear somewhere. if only the fucking search button worked.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
HERE WE GO! Piston on... Driving Tests
Awooga. What a rush. Right. Yeah, I got my notes here just in case I completely forget what I'm fucking saying. So, how are we all? Are we all good? Excellent, excellent.

Right, like, I was sort of rehearsing earlier. It is an absolute fucking pleasure to be here in despite the fact that my heart is currently going nineteen to a dozen and I feel like I'm about to take my driving test. Which I failed three times in a row. However, I- the last time I maintain it wasn't my fault.

I like to maintain- thanks there- I like to maintain- God, that's fucking distracting.

I like to maintain that it wasn't actually my fault. It was actually the fact that the OAP stepped out in front of me. And the fact that the driving examiner was actually y-

Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

I like to maintain that it wasn't my fault. It was in fact the fault of the driving examiner in that she didn't get there with the dual controls quick enough. That, and she was a frustrated Daily Mail reading bitch queen man-hating whore from hell. But, so it goes so.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
I could only read 5 words of that.

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
OH GOD IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO READ.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
My knickers are white, with red podka dots

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
Much better.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
SHUTUPSHUTIPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:16, archived)
I am laughing in a packed library
now I am biting my fist and typing with one hadn whilst my eyes stream.

Oh God, give me more.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:18, archived)
It's been ages since you posted some 90nz0 fanfic.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:19, archived)
Piston on.. Formal Greetings
So, I asked, I asked how you-we all were earlier. And, you know, you all obviously responded in the positive. But the answer that you never expect- which admittedly, I've never got- but you live in hope and you don't turn round and say "Actually Jim, I've just been bumraped by a tramp". Yes, I know that's gross-out humour but, any porn in a storm, right. And, especially tramps.

But anyway, and, uh,If you're just asking someone how they are you don't expect their fucking life story. And if you get it, my response, my reaction is to go alright I'm going now bye bye.

Anyway

Anyway.

So.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:20, archived)

i.imgur.com/GbYY6.gif
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:23, archived)
"Right, next up on Mock the Week is the Wheel of News. Where we spin the wheel and whatever topic it lands on, our performers must do a routine based around it."


"Right then Piston. Your topic tonight is... Festivals. Piston, go ahead."

So.

With sort of like with seeming in mind, urm, it is obviously festival season. Anyone going to any rock festivals soon? Leedsfest? Good luck.

Right.

Because, because, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard a story about a guy who sort of like, he's shall we say just a little bit different. He dresses up in a dry suit, this is from what I've heard, I don't know if it's true or not, dresses up in a dry suit with like full mask and snorkel and everything else. And goes and lurks in the long drops. And likes to play a little game with people. Yeah, you've heard this before haven't you. Oh well, so it goes. And, urm, you know he, he likes to, uh, like I say, play a little game. Don't spoil the punchline for me, please. Otherwise I'll be singling you out for a complaint later on. And, like I say, likes to lurk and he lurks in the long drops. Until you at the most vulnerable, your trousers around your ankles already feeling a little bit bleurrgh because of all of the various substances alcohol and the fact that, you know, your dung handles are you know pretty much brushing your shoes. And just at that moment apparently he likes to pop up and just go POP UP PIRATE you know like that.I'm gonna say if you've not had a shit before you certainly will after that.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:32, archived)
I AM ONLY 3:33 THE WAY THROUGH
THIS TASK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:32, archived)
Haha, that's not even halfway.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:38, archived)
Is this you?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l1setkfGlk1qa6uqso1_250.gif
(I helped save b3ta! CowJam, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:08, archived)
Wait a sec, did he say that? As soon as you wrote Festival, I _knew_ it would be that story.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:47, archived)
I hope you're not implying that the only original bit of material in piston broke's stand up routine found at
www.jamescartercomedy.com is the bit about being bumraped by a tramp that fell completely flat and backfired on him enormously and that the rest of it is really old stolen jokes from viz and other suchlike places?
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:50, archived)
Good grief, I don't even understand half the words in that
You could be making this up but the thing is I would never know because I've never lasted more than thirty seconds
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:48, archived)
Piston on.. Chavs
That's just some of the silliness that we see on a daily basis. I mean, for example, once I was waiting at a train station taking part in the commonly known activity as waiting for trains. As you do. And I was there obviously watching the situation. There was my favourite member of the human species just for taking the piss out of: The Chav. He was standing there doing what chavs do - being fucking annoying cunt. But anyway. He was standing there with his can of Special Brew, cigarette, and mobile phone playing what can only be described as fucking noise.

Oi, Wh-where you going?

Alright.

Anyway, back to the story, so he said, doing what he's doing, and there's this little eight year old running around doing what eight year olds do - going, sort of going like "ooh, well, happy days, happy days", you know, I'm not going to run around and run up all my energy so that I won't be an annoying little gimp whatever. And of course his parents were there, I mean, who would leave an eight year old child on there own with a train station? But, come off it. Sorry. And urrrm, yes, so he they're all in their accepted roles. I'm there being the observer thinking "my God, you're being so annoying", and you know, the chav is just going murmrmrmumrmr ntz ntz ntz coming out the mobile playing. And this you know the eight year old is running around playing gets fixed up a gear in the headlights with this chav and this chav just turns round and says "what you looking at?", as chavs apparently like to do when they're sort of like glanced at for half a microsecond by anyone. And this little kid, quick as ever, hold on two seconds, quick as a flash turns around like that and says "I don't know, but it apears to be trying to communicate with me". And I swear to God I've never seen anyone go from angry to confused at the flip of a switch. And the parents just grabbed this kid - Woah! - You know, and, you know, just got out of the situation I'm just sat there silently pissing myself with laughter. Not at the moment, thank God. And, urm, I was there, you know, and you never stood a chance under the powering intellect of an eight year old.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:59, archived)
I was certain I listened to it the whole way through, I even remember the people leaving part
but everything either side of it seems to have been repressed
(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:03, archived)
Piston on... Trains and the Welsh.
Sometimes I like to take a look at my friend, thank you very much Robert Chorlton, and for driving, you know, so I don't have to deal with the bane of Britain's model train system or the wonders of some might say. You know, the inevitable delays, leaves on the line, the platitudes that come out of the speakers, like: "We are sorry to announce the train has been delayed, there is a sheep on the line currently being buggered by a Welshman". For all you Welsh people out there, it's kind of my trait to take the piss out of them. For I am British after all.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:07, archived)
Hnnnngh Welsh British aaaaaaarrrrrggh.
He's so unutterably shit.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:11, archived)
clickin allodese

(I helped save b3ta! Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:18, archived)
For god's sake, it's so difficult to read.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:08, archived)
can't be arsed reading anyomre
if i try i'll probably die or something
(sanguine badger spirits in the room tickle you like a sneaky prawn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:39, archived)
You know that bit on Raiders of the Lost Ark where all the ghosts and lightning and that kills everyone?
That's what happens if you watch that.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
I'm listening to it right now.
I feel weird.
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
just cover it with a cushion

(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:03, archived)
*rapturous applause*
*whistling*
*cheering*
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:03, archived)
Raptors?
Clever girl.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
No way would you be the presenter of /talk
more likely you'd be the bloke on the piano like those homosexuals on Jonathan Ross.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:03, archived)
*jazz hands*

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
*jazz mags*

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:12, archived)
The free-range woodland type or the urban ones?

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, archived)
urban. do i look like some sort of pervert?

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:22, archived)
Well, I hope so, or this dominatrix gear I got you is useless.

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:26, archived)
WAHEY.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:41, archived)
The moon with the tunes.

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
The resident b3ta house band: 4 loonies and a moony.

(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:10, archived)
+0

(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
I think if anyone were to be /talk's comperé, it'd be JMG.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
YOU'RE ALL FAT, GO OUTSIDE, FATTIES
Tv show is nothing but an awkward silence for half an hour, credits roll
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
Friz pops up halfway through the credits doing jazz hands.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
My wrists are EXTRA limp tonight

(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
He runs on stage just as the MMXI appears
Aaaaaaand it's fri........aw shit
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
he'd run on stage as soon as the show starts
but his face would only come on as the credits roll
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:23, archived)
WHAT ABOUT THAT FOOTBALL EH? EH??

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)

b3ta.com/links/293061
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
If this sounds at all like a load of tossed off old bollocks with appalling sound quality, that's because it is.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:17, archived)
I'm fascinated,
are you as unlikeable in real life as you come across on here?
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
I'm hosting an event at the Baltic in April
You should come, eat some cheese and pickle.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)

at in

glug
glug
glug

*bubbles*
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
harsh

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
Not really.
Valid question.
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
I'm so excited by whatever the hell is going on here.

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
Can I be best boy?
I'll be EVER so good
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, archived)
GET ME A COFFEE.

(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
yessir white or black sir or cream sir latté half fat full fat skinny mocha chocha ice cream dandelion and burdock?

(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
Ostrich by ME
Hey, Ostrich.
Suck it, bitch.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, archived)
EXCELLENT HAPPENINGS
Well, that's the show everyone. G'NIGHT!
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:06, archived)
*silence*
*tumbleweed*
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:08, archived)
I want my money back

(I helped save b3ta! Glovington, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
If you were any good you'd do something like this.
axecop.com/
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:07, archived)
I find that a bit tryhard

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:08, archived)
*Click link*
*Click to episodes*
*See a baby with a badass moustache, love it already*
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:10, archived)
I love Axecop.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:10, archived)
oglaf is the best comic on the net, end of
it is a bit NSFW though
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:11, archived)
I'M TELLING! MIIIIIIISS! MIIIIIIIIIIISS!

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:12, archived)
A bit?
I agree though.


Mistress! Mistress!
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:12, archived)
You leave me no choice but to use...seduction!
O_O
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
...are you doing it now?

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
Shh, you'll begin to feel it soon.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:16, archived)
pfft
all the cumsprites in jars made me lol.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
I'm sort of tempted to get a cumsprite t-shirt.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:16, archived)
you totally should

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:19, archived)
I know, but I'm not sure where I'd be able to wear it without getting in trouble with someone.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:20, archived)
only people who have read the comic would know what it is
hence, they're also filthy.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:21, archived)
That settles it.
Totally getting one.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:25, archived)
actually looking at their Topatoco shop, I'd quite like a "Steak n Bitches" t-shirt

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:27, archived)
I also need to remember to get a Beartato shirt at some point.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:29, archived)
I almost got a party cat tattoo
someone beat me to it
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:30, archived)
I might get a Reginald tattooed on MY reginald.
Fnar fnar fnar.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:31, archived)
I've got a beartato shirt
I wore it outside, wore it to work, wore it to the pub

Until a guy came up and went 'LOL PEDOBEAR'

Haven't worn it since
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:32, archived)
You should get a pedobear shirt just out of spite.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:33, archived)
Then I fucked some kids, that showed him

(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:49, archived)
Rubbish general public

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:33, archived)
I'm still getting a Beartato shirt.
I'll wear a pedobear hoodie over it or something, that'll show them.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:39, archived)
Oh man you know what is great?
Buttersafe. Especially Punch Monster.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:39, archived)
cr3 likes Buttersafe

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:41, archived)
It's brilliant.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:41, archived)
You just pursueded me to buy one when I'm flush and all.
Damn your logic.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:28, archived)
Fuck it, put 'em in a camp, tell them to dig a nice big hole
/ac, but the sentiment rings true.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:22, archived)
One of the very early ones, where his last task is to oil the succubi.
And the last frame is a cumsprite legging it away down the hall. My ma asked me what I was laughing so hard at.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:17, archived)
hahaha

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:19, archived)
although I do like the idea of a comic written by a 5 year old

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:13, archived)
*checks watch*

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:09, archived)
I knew of a guy called bald monkey
who considered his bird-life quite funky
using great crookery
he crept into a rookery
and covered an ostrich in spunky
(I helped save b3ta! Glovington, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:10, archived)
not bad for the first go

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14, archived)
thanks

(I helped save b3ta! Glovington, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:27, archived)
There's a rumour, or so that I've heard
That Baldmonkey likes the largest of birds
But in spite of their likeness
He only likes flightless
something-something-something-something Turds
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:20, archived)
TAKE IT OFF

(I helped save b3ta! Lightguy hail satan, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:16, archived)