Urgh! This is not funny?
Sorry, but this is a plea for b3tard hive mind help. We want more sales for my wife's excellent book, but she has an anxiety disorder, and can't self-promote.

1. Advertising Kindle things on Amazon - anyone ever done that? Was it worth it?
2. Sponsoring the newsletter - how do I do that? I "used the Form" as per the FAQ, but it didn't get me any response :( Is there someone I should be messaging directly?
3. Anyone got any contacts in publishing / promotion who could help us out? We have (some) money.

Again, sorry for unfunniness - but you should all be used to that from me by now, eh, readers?
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 17:06, archived)

Have you considered hiring someone who could pretend to be your wife?
Give her a few stock answers and set up a "meet the author" deal? You'd have to tell anyone that knows her what you're planning, of course, but you would get publicity and more sales
( Smash Monkey 2 Prozac is apparently good for menopause, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 17:20, archived)

That's maybe something for the next phase.
I have of course considered hiring someone to pretend to be my wife, but never in this context. *winky face*
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 17:27, archived)

I assumed as much

( Smash Monkey 2 Prozac is apparently good for menopause, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 17:30, archived)

I'll do it for £50
I've got the tits for it
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:24, archived)

humblespam

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 17:58, archived)

Hang about, look out, for+

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:03, archived)

He's a serious spammy

( Smash Monkey 2 Prozac is apparently good for menopause, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:13, archived)

He's the Scunner Spambell

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:25, archived)

Have you tried hacking off your knob and bollocks with a rusty penknife
and then shoving them up your purple, distended anus?
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:02, archived)

I expected better than that from you I really did
Alt, not really
(President of the lighthouse Organised the Trumpton riots, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:21, archived)

No, not yet
Will that help?
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:24, archived)

It will make almost everyone happy

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:35, archived)

I like happy people
*snik snik snik*
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:42, archived)

what?

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 20:57, archived)

I can help

( Cheers Cheers, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:12, archived)

Will you?

( Smash Monkey 2 Prozac is apparently good for menopause, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:13, archived)

I think we all know the answer to that

( Cheers Cheers, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:16, archived)

b3ta.com/talk/8377685, I mean
( Cheers Cheers, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:16, archived)

Reaaaalllly..?
Bigger. I'm suddenly suspicious of everyone. What have I done?

Plz be real!
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:22, archived)

I can’t really, Queef’s given a proper answer below

( Cheers Cheers, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:24, archived)

Is it Kindle as well as paper?

(President of the lighthouse Organised the Trumpton riots, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:19, archived)

I've sold on Amazon but not Kindle stuff
I would advise you to talk directly to Amazon about targeted ad spending. Ask them to help you direct your ad spend for maximum return. You might as well be honest and tell them you aren't a marketing professional, and don't be shy about insisting they explain terms/jargon. I'd start there but if you're unhappy/overwhelmed then talk to an Amazon specialist marketing firm. But if you do that make it very clear of your budget and agree a spend cap. God I'm glad I don't have to worry about this shit any more.

Failing that, hack off your knob and bollocks with a rusty penknife and then shove them up your purple, distended anus.
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:20, archived)

Thanks, will try both.

( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:31, archived)

You could try gazing monghchops, he knows about this sort of thing.

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:22, archived)

Will do!
Gosh you are all smashing, thanks.
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:32, archived)

Please let us know if you get a response.

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:57, archived)

100% success rate

( mongychops, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 20:10, archived)

Instead of sponsoring the newsletter you could flush a load of notes down the bog
It will achieve the same result but faster
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:24, archived)

I bought a book off of the newsletter sponsor once.
It was good.
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:40, archived)

Was it mine?
Oh no wait, I don't think it was in the newsletter. That's probably why I'm not a millionaire now.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:43, archived)

It was that thing about biscuits and the apocalypse
If that was yours, yeah.
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 19:00, archived)

of
(( * )( * ) ( . Y . ) (○¥○) ( ͜ₒ ㅅ ͜ ₒ), Sat 15 Jul 2023, 19:15, archived)

I wrote a book, and tried to self-promote it, about 12 years ago.
I have the genuine satisfaction of having written a book, but I made pennies from it and sold something like 100 copies. So I'm probably not the best person to answer this.

I think the trick is to be related/married to a literary agent, or to be a 'celebrity'.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 18:42, archived)

It was shit tho

( mongychops, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 20:09, archived)

Like you could read it

(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 22:50, archived)

You need to get one or more of those awful tiktok book hype influencers
to start a rumour that your wife is a celebrity/influential author writing secretly under an assumed name, then get a load of bots to argue over who it might be.
( brb Monkhouse Stampede, Sat 15 Jul 2023, 19:29, archived)