Prevening

(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Mon 15 Apr 2024, 17:48, archived)

7th wedding anniversary today
We're celebrating by being in different countries, it's gr8
( Queef Richard's U r a 🔔🔚, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 17:51, archived)

next year celebrate by being in different people

( MiseryCunt S P E L L C A S T I N G, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:02, archived)

^ posting from Wales

(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:35, archived)

fuck you and fuck everyone you came in on

( MiseryCunt S P E L L C A S T I N G, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:03, archived)

I think we're past that now

( broadsword now that's fresh, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:32, archived)

I'm well up for it

( $$ ✅, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:36, archived)

you can fuck off

( MiseryCunt S P E L L C A S T I N G, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 18:38, archived)

Here's a Doctor Dyslexia qotw post for your pleasure ok
Friend of mine was walking down some sidewalks with a tie on his head like a bandana and a squirt gun.
and a girl yelled at him "what the hell is wrong with you"
He replied cleverly "I RAPE CATS FOR GOD SAKES!"
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 19:07, archived)

A few months ago I was out drinking with a couple of mates and we found ourselves in the outside area of a large pub. It was quite a busy evening; there were no tables free so we were stood up by a small outside bar, chatting and smoking, keeping a look out for any tables that happened to be vacated. As I glanced towards the table opposite where we were stood, I saw two males sniff what was probably cocaine off of a card and up into their noses. I quickly looked away; it wasn’t any of my business, but I was surprised at how brazen they had been. I didn’t say anything to either of my mates, but looked over again and realised that both of the males were now approaching me.

As they neared, I remember thinking ‘He we go’. They were ‘proper lads’. You know the type; love boozing and chatting up the ‘birds’, three-styles-in-one haircuts, both dressed in attire usually associated with Jeremy Kyle guests and were walking like constipated apes. Proper-fucking-lads.

“What the fuck you looking at, mate?”

He was quite big, so I pretended I hadn’t seen him.

“Oi, mate. What the fuck were you looking at?”

I turned slowly round to face them.

“Me?” I started, pointing at myself. “Nothing”.

“You fucking what?”

“Nothing”

This went on for a couple of minutes; them asking me what I was looking at, and me responding with the same answer. My mates, ever helpful, stood and watched, sipping their drinks slowly. Eventually the two lads got bored with asking me the same question,

“Right, you little cunt, what’s your fucking name”

With that, the larger of the two grabbed me by my collar and tried to pull me towards him. I stood my ground and for some reason, my Granddad’s (RIP) only ever words of wisdom came into my head – ‘If you’re ever in trouble, act like you’ve got a mental illness’.
Before I could process this thought completely in my head, I felt my mouth open and I started speaking in a posh gentleman’s voice,

“They call me The Mongdaddy, boys. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Sputnik, Cauliflower, Wibble Jib-Jib!”

I extended my hand to the lad who wasn’t trying his best to remove my clothing.

“Mongdaddy? What the fuck are you on, mate”

“Why nothing fellow”, I carried on. Still I kept my posh voice. My mates now had their backs turned to us and were slowly sidestepping away from the scene.

”And it’s The Mongdaddy, parp, parp”.

With that, I pulled my hand down like you do when trying to get a haulage driver to sound his horn. I felt the grip on my collar loosen and the big lad stepped back away from me.

“Are you fucking nuts?”

“Oh God no, treacle pie. The Mongdaddy is perfectly normal. Hoopla-Hoopla, come and play the hoopla! Whistle. Flute. Hairy Biscuit”

I was now doing a small jig on the spot. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a few people watching me. I must have looked like an absolute nut-job.

“Hoopla?” The lads sounded as confused as I was.

“Five attempts for a pound, my dear. Get in the cockpit and roll out the kipper”.

“Fuck off, you freak”

And with that they walked away. I returned to my mates, necked my pint and left for somewhere different.
(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Mon 15 Apr 2024, 19:20, archived)

You know the type: love lying and chatting up the 'b3tans'
Who wrote this btw? I almost never went there, this is why really. I'm almost embarrassed to read it.
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 19:24, archived)

"# Minty fresh and full of yeasty goodness. I used to work with children on a housing estate in London"
"work"
(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 20:11, archived)

I quite liked the idea of qotw initially, share some funny life experiences, naive of me

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 21:29, archived)

I preferred it when it degenerated into trying to find the most laboured Pato Banton pun ever,
shame rob canned us all before we found it.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 21:35, archived)

rob went from permissive host to content vampire at some point, I think someone at the mirror group bit him
'content vampire', you saw it here first
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 22:04, archived)

contire, maybe yours will catch a blood-borne disease

(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 22:50, archived)

I didn't read it then, won't read it now. Qftw was weird. I understood the making pictures in photoshop but I never got those cunts. Hope they are all dead. Unfunny wankers.
There .
( mongychops, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 20:58, archived)

Clickin this

(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 21:14, archived)

I just looked up the original out of idle curiosity.
The only thing more embarrassing than this post was the credulous replies it got. Fucking hell.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 16 Apr 2024, 6:28, archived)

Legless on classic form

(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Tue 16 Apr 2024, 6:31, archived)

This caused me physical pain to read.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 16 Apr 2024, 0:36, archived)

It's appalling on many levels.

(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Tue 16 Apr 2024, 6:32, archived)

Fuck off etc...

(Spacejam, Mon 15 Apr 2024, 19:35, archived)

^ the mongdaddy

(evening 'My stage name is DJ Teargas', Mon 15 Apr 2024, 20:10, archived)