"Hello. Here's a load of old shit for you. For those who don't know me, I'm old.
I get the piss ripped over on /talk but I don't really mind. Being old has its advantages. I work in the music business and have done for over 35 years. I was there in the 60's and 70's and saw the birth of rock music, and spent my youth enjoying copious quantities of free love and no fear of AIDS.
I grew up in the film industry, my grandfather and uncle worked for Pathe News and I used to go to shoots with them in the hols. I've met The Beatles, been inside Lennon's house, I was at the launch of the first Moog synthesizer, played in some good bands and still do. I also met loads of film stars, rock stars and even had breakfast with Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Whight festival. I have a helicopter pilots licence and have started flying again after a brief period and I'm engaged to a model.
I now work from home running a recording studio and am on the committee of a growing rock festival which is held in the same village where I live. I work with a friend who does HD video recording to broadcast standard and we run a mobile tv/audio studio and we have some nice jobs come in for next year at a few top festivals.
I get as much good sex as I want and I drive a fast car. Work is steady despite the recession and I'm landscaping my huge garden with ponds, waterfalls and rare trees and there is enough room to put up a big marquee in November for a fucking b3ta bash.
I also started doing the odd spot of stand up comedy a few years back and have begun doing a few clubs and venues around this region. My set has been described as extremely rude, downright disgusting, in incredible bad taste but funny. That's just fine by me. I mean, I can't knock it, it is pretty strong.
I'm in good health and go running every day. I don't drink alcohol or smoke fags and have finished several marathons and loads of half marathons in the past. I'm training for a channel swim in June/July next year and am aiming to smash the record for someone over 50.
I occasionally work at a lap dance bar which is owned by a friend's brother as a floor security guard. I also have to escort the girls in and out of the changing rooms and if it's busy I help behind the bar with two topless girls.
My house is situated, unusually on a hill in the Cambridgeshire Fens right next to woods and a nature reserve and the farmer's field opposite has huge markets and boot sales in the Summer but only every few weeks. I have my own private road and have just extended the car park to hold another 6 cars.
By now you lot must be pissing yourselves as it looks like some of the unhealthily huge vats of bullshit that appear here.
Old? Fuck off
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Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 8:52,
archived)
What did Jimi have for breakfast m8?I bet it was something REALLY crazy!
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Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:47,
archived)
I'm on the committee of a growing rock festival m8(
Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:46,
archived)
It's like the Anti-NavySeals Copypastabut designed to send the reader to sleep.
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Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:15,
archived)
I'm an incredibly successful music biz mogulBut I also work part time security at a tit bar. Trouser
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Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:53,
archived)
'spent my youth enjoying copious quantities of free love'= was a roadie for Paul Gadd
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Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:50,
archived)
Can someone add his November b3ta bash to /calendar please, sounds like it's going to be wild!Looking forward to meeting his model fiancée and being treated to some of his hilarious stand up comedy before he whisks us all off to a lapdancing club in his helicopter.
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2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 11:28,
archived)
What the fuck is this? Who said this?I DEMAND to know.
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Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 13:22,
archived)
"Kneecap".It's why Keir Starmer's having them banned, he's insanely jealous.
(, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 17:04, archived)
A few months ago I was out drinking with a couple of mates and we found ourselves in the outside area of a large pub. It was quite a busy evening; there were no tables free so we were stood up by a small outside bar, chatting and smoking, keeping a look out for any tables that happened to be vacated. As I glanced towards the table opposite where we were stood, I saw two males sniff what was probably cocaine off of a card and up into their noses. I quickly looked away; it wasn’t any of my business, but I was surprised at how brazen they had been. I didn’t say anything to either of my mates, but looked over again and realised that both of the males were now approaching me.
As they neared, I remember thinking ‘He we go’. They were ‘proper lads’. You know the type; love boozing and chatting up the ‘birds’, three-styles-in-one haircuts, both dressed in attire usually associated with Jeremy Kyle guests and were walking like constipated apes. Proper-fucking-lads.
“What the fuck you looking at, mate?”
He was quite big, so I pretended I hadn’t seen him.
“Oi, mate. What the fuck were you looking at?”
I turned slowly round to face them.
“Me?” I started, pointing at myself. “Nothing”.
“You fucking what?”
“Nothing”
This went on for a couple of minutes; them asking me what I was looking at, and me responding with the same answer. My mates, ever helpful, stood and watched, sipping their drinks slowly. Eventually the two lads got bored with asking me the same question,
“Right, you little cunt, what’s your fucking name”
With that, the larger of the two grabbed me by my collar and tried to pull me towards him. I stood my ground and for some reason, my Granddad’s (RIP) only ever words of wisdom came into my head – ‘If you’re ever in trouble, act like you’ve got a mental illness’.
Before I could process this thought completely in my head, I felt my mouth open and I started speaking in a posh gentleman’s voice,
“They call me The Mongdaddy, boys. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Sputnik, Cauliflower, Wibble Jib-Jib!”
I extended my hand to the lad who wasn’t trying his best to remove my clothing.
“Mongdaddy? What the fuck are you on, mate”
“Why nothing fellow”, I carried on. Still I kept my posh voice. My mates now had their backs turned to us and were slowly sidestepping away from the scene.
”And it’s The Mongdaddy, parp, parp”.
With that, I pulled my hand down like you do when trying to get a haulage driver to sound his horn. I felt the grip on my collar loosen and the big lad stepped back away from me.
“Are you fucking nuts?”
“Oh God no, treacle pie. The Mongdaddy is perfectly normal. Hoopla-Hoopla, come and play the hoopla! Whistle. Flute. Hairy Biscuit”
I was now doing a small jig on the spot. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a few people watching me. I must have looked like an absolute nut-job.
“Hoopla?” The lads sounded as confused as I was.
“Five attempts for a pound, my dear. Get in the cockpit and roll out the kipper”.
“Fuck off, you freak”
And with that they walked away. I returned to my mates, necked my pint and left for somewhere different.
(, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 9:18, archived)
Probably "Sent".(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 12:52,
archived)
cringe is an overused word but if this doesn't induce it you're dead (
mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 13:04,
archived)
Yeah. This is one of the worst things I've ever read hereImagine that
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 14:25,
archived)
I reckon what really happened was he got caught staring, the lager boy grabbed him, OP shat himself in fear.The end.
(, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 14:51, archived)
If ANY of that happened at all, this is probably closer to the truth(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Sun 29 Jun 2025, 14:54,
archived)