This story is LONG
a long time ago, in a land far, far away...

There lived a beautiful princess, called alerella. She was an energetic, young sort, with flowing, golden locks, a skip in her step and a tune in her warm and caring heart.
She lived with her father, King Enzyme, who, despite losing his first wife during the birth of his gorgeous daughter, still loved her dearly. So much so, in fact, that he decided to re-marry another single parent, CHCB, so that little al could still have a mother-figure and a couple of siblings to play with.

Unfortunately, as the story goes, the new Mrs Enzyme was a tad too rigorous in the sack, and during a night of sex play (involving a winch, and several large, Barrymore-esque implements), the good King Enzyme had his pelvis broken in several places. Though, fortunately he'd lost consciousness during the act, because he was being smothered by CHCB's killer pussy at the time, and couldn't breathe, but sadly passed away later from internal bleeding and organ failure.
It was then that Queen CHCB revealed her true nature, and poor little alerella was locked away in a very high tower by her evil step sisters, Kaol and Bob Fossil, who then took her place as the heirs to the throne of the magical kingdom.

In her towery prison, little alerella started to lose her mind, she found that without company she could only keep herself entertained by muttering the most base jokes that she could think of, and eventually her madness descended into a coma, filled with dreams of bestiality, scat and the hope that some day a shining prince would come and rescue her.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the Magical Kingdom, the Brave Knight Sir Bert Monkeysex sat in a Goat Brothel, The Horny Nanny, regaling the legend that had been passed on to him by his mother and father. The tale of a beautiful princess locked away in a high tower who possessed a ring tighter than that of any goat the land had ever known.

'Nonsense!' The other mead drinkers mocked, 'Everybody knows that there is no such thing as a human being tighter than a goat.'
But Sir Bert knew in his heart that some day he would find his true love and they would live happily ever after.

Just then, as if purely to further the somewhat slightly lost point of the story, a strange man by the name of K2k6 entered, his whole appearance a shabby mess, and he was clearly out of breath, 'Someone must help! I have heard news of a beautiful princess trapped in a high tower by her evil step-mother and wicked step-sisters to the east!'

Sir Bert knew that this was his destiny calling him, he got to his feet, thanked the stranger, and left the stunned occupants of the goat brothel to their devices. Outside, he hopped upon his trusty steed, and lover, Billy the Kid, one of the finest goats the land had ever seen.
He rode off with the setting sun to his back at a steady gallop, with the sound of Billy's hooves matching the beating of the renewed passion in his heart, and the throbbing in his codpiece.

Upon arriving at the foot of the mighty tower, Sir Bert despatched of the evil queen and her two hideous offspring with one fell swoop of his dripping baguette, leaving their headless bodies for the likes of PJM and the PenguinOfDeath to have their wicked, necrophiliac way with.

The Brave Knight Sir Bert Monkeysex scaled the tower with ease, and awoke his beautiful princess bride with a one man bukkake marathon, that lasted several hours and left alerella looking like a plasterers radio in June.
The pair fell in love immediately, and bert set about trying to discover whether the legend was true, could she really be tighter than his faithful steed Billy the Goat...?

With al on her knees, Bert slowly began to insert his pulsating cock into her puckered anus, using no lubrication whatsoever.
By God! It was true! He couldn't believe what he was feeling as the inner parts of al's poo chute gripped him tighter than anything he'd ever felt before, and the orgasm built inside of him quickly.
At the moment of climax, al let out a small involuntary cough, causing his unbelievably snug sphincter to twitch, snapping off Bert's nob at the hilt.

'OH NOES!' He cried in agony, and began dancing around holding his crotch like a cowboy at a barn dance.

Al stitched up the wound, and the pair agreed that despite the fact that they would never be able to sexually satisfy each other properly again, they would still be married in the morning.

Unfortunately, on climbing back down the tower, they were both butted to death by Billy, who'd gone into a psychotic, jealous rage, and he stomped them both into the dirt, before sticking his horns into the evil sister, Kaol's lifeless bottom, and ending his own life with a quick snap of his neck.

Bloody animals, eh? Tragic.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:06, 57 replies)

*clicks*
Minus 5 marks for not incorporating wolfbagging.
Extra credit for use of the phrase "like a plasterers radio in June".

I am going to ask my mummy to read me that story every single night before bed, forever and ever.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:10, closed)

Glad you like it Mrs!
I should have incorporated wolf-bagging though, what a wasted opportunity.

Maybe next time.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:11, closed)

Fucking clicks - furiously
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:12, closed)

I don't think I've laughed so
Hard at at a QOTW answer before.
That was fantastic *hat off*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:12, closed)

Well...
First site, and first post i've read today.
Surely things can only get better.
Or worse.

I am so confused.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:13, closed)

@PJM
you're far too kind, I just clicked 'Post your own story' and let all of the thoughts in my rather diseased little mind pour out all at once. I haven't even proof-read or anything for spelling mistakes, or to see if it actually makes sense.
:D

@Kaol CHEERS!

@Sunday Turkey welcome to b3ta!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:14, closed)

*CLICK*
Particularly enjoyed the "plasterer's radio"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:18, closed)

@Boss
I've always loved that phrase, and wanted to put it in the story, even though I thought that 'like one of the melting zombies from The House of Wax' might've been more original.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:19, closed)

I will return those five marks that CHCB
deducted and add 50 million squillion more because you made me a princess!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:21, closed)

Okay then!
Your off my Inquistion's most wanted list.
( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:22, closed)

Oh, and
*waves*

Hi Sundayturkey!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:22, closed)

@BGB
"Inquistion's most wanted list."

Did I miss something?
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:23, closed)

@al
*kisses*

Mwah! I told you, you're the only one for me...

@BGB but I was looking forward to the hot wax and car battery/nipple interrogation techniques!

@Kaol, you sure did, BGB thinks I'm an unbeliever of our most sacred messiah.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:23, closed)

Eh?
When did that happen?
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:25, closed)

*shrugs*
...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:26, closed)

@ Bert
It's genius!
I was placing an order on the phone while I was reading it and couldn't explain to the woman why I'd started giggling like a Nipponese schoolgirl.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:27, closed)

*is jealous*
*that this story totally eclipses his own about scorpions, which might be on-topic, but isn't funny*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

@Boss
Everybody is being far too kind!

Is it bad that I can't even be bothered to read it myself...? I'm amazed by all the good feedback that I'm getting!

@Kaol There, there, it's alright. My post IS on topic though, the goat attacks them.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:32, closed)

*considers 'Shopping a picture
of "the Brave Knight Sir Bert Monkeysex"*

Hmmm...
Too many people in the office today.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

Sick Sick Sick
Love It
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

@CHCB
what's wolfbagging?

Big *click* for the "OH NOES!"
( Maladicta, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 11:58, closed)

@Mal
It has something to do with putting string into one of somebody's orifices so that you can pull it out at the moment of climax, causing them to vomit.

I think...?

Oh, yeah! It also involves bacon!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:00, closed)

so, you want to know about wolfbagging
*takes breath*

fancy a bacon sandwich first?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

seriously,
you don't want to know. The only thing this story missed was a mexican avalanche or what ever it's called, I mean, I was imprisoned in a high tower, that means loads of stairs, and I had long flowing hair.

*wishes he could still grow long flowing hair like he did as a teenager*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for enlightenting me :)

*hides the bacon*
( Maladicta, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:08, closed)

*makes notes for next story*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:08, closed)

I've been working all morning
Yes, really.

And I get back to my desk at lunchtime to be met with this work of genius. Surely a winner.

Felt a bit sorry for poor old King Enzyme though!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:09, closed)

^
yes, but what a way to go.

And I can assure you, there'd be no organ failure in my marital bed.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:10, closed)

@K2k6
But surely, there is no better way to go...?

@CHCB JINX TOUCH WOOD!

And I wanted to re-introduce the noun verb (christ I'm thick) 'to get Barrymored' into the english language*.

*see also, 'Hollyoaked'.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:11, closed)

...
*touches wood*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:12, closed)

Wolfbagging
Wow, you really do learn something new every day on b3ta. I think I will have to make this my word of the day, although discreetly incorporating it in a sentence may be difficult.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:16, closed)

This story has to win
Tears of mirth are streaming down my chubby cheeks.
Sir Spunky, you have surpassed yourself.

AND you've made my right hand go blurry again...
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

Hollyoaked?
Is that to be sprayed orange and have your hair bleached, and a boob job?
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

@Kaol
It's a reference to the scene many years ago, when young Gary Lucy was bumraped on the bonnet of his car, hence;

'Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking Hollyoak you'

Always a pleasure Mrs Tourette's ;D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:19, closed)

Ah!
I like that meaning more than my suggested one.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:21, closed)

Hollyoaked!
Frickin genius!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:23, closed)

Hmm, yes
But surely the "best way to go" thing would only apply if he had died 'on the job' as it were, not later while suffering internal bleeding and organ failure (snigger).

But I concede that I could think of many worse ways to die!

PS CHCB, whose wood were you touching there?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:25, closed)

@al
It's not one of mine though, a friend of mine, the guy who introduced me to b3ta many years ago, threatened me with it once.

I miss him.

@K2k6 I'll edit, so that he lost consciousness during the act and didn't suffer at all.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:25, closed)

@Bert
can he have lost conciousness after being smothered by CHCBs killer pussy.

It would make the passing of my father that much easier to bear.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:28, closed)

and
it would certainly add a bit of a climax to the story.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:30, closed)

@Bert
Excellent. Remember to make it clear also that his organ failed after the event, just to keep CHCB happy!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:31, closed)

Done!
*likes to keep the people happy*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:32, closed)

Or
maybe it was the organ failure just as CHCB was on the cusp that led her to dislike the wonderous princess so much.

*practices princess smiles and hair tosses*

EDIT - you've put in an "as" instead of an "at"
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:32, closed)

I know, I know!
I noticed and corrected.

*puts in ass, instead of in hat*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:37, closed)

Twist
Really quite screwed up. And thus gets a click of sufficient velocity to damage my mousing finger.

A wonderful bit of nonsense for a repeat QOTW
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:57, closed)

Excuse me?!?!
Hideous offspring?!

Oh, thank you very much. Charmed, I'm sure.

*stomps off to garden to eat worms to gain some material for this week's QOTW*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:18, closed)

Oh shush you!
You know I love you really.

In fact, I should thank you, it was your little story that inspired my own tale.

:D Ta very muchly.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:24, closed)

*is slightly mollified*
*thinks chocolate should be offered to make me truly happy*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

Here y'are
have some of my lovely Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Chocolate cake.

*offers*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:47, closed)

Yays!
*is totally won over*

*puts cake on table and contemplates it*


*plunges facefirst into cake, and has to eat her way out to avoid suffocating*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:00, closed)

I said some!
Not all!


*eats bits from off your face like the dirty little freak that he is*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:02, closed)

*licks
crumbs from Bob and Burt*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:28, closed)

Two orgies in one day
I am a lucky little monkeysex.

*smooshes you both*

al...!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:39, closed)

Sequel
So when can we expect the sequel?
(Masterb3ta, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 19:40, closed)

legend
I laughed so much i died and then resusitated myself with laughing again, then died again.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 25 Apr 2008, 22:45, closed)

Wicked, necrophiliac ways?
Well, I got a mention anyway.

What hoorahs!!

*Clickety-click*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 0:53, closed)

Sequel please!
And I think the sequel should take place in a farmyard far, far away. The farmyard should be run by a group of wild women...can you see where I'm going with this?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 9:44, closed)