At this very moment....
No. I just can't be arsed.

I noticed this morning that outside my wondow on the roof of a building opposite, I have a pair of seagulls about to nest.

I don't know if you've lived near the bastards, but they scream like fuck ALL the time.

Question... Do I shoot the gulls, and have the gul bodies on the roof for ages (and possibly draw attention to it) ... or Do I shoot the eggs once they're popped out, and give the gulls no reason to sit there?

It's a perfectly safe shot which I can guarantee won't go astray. They're nesting in a "planter" and it's only at a range of 15 meters. The Pellet will disappear into the planter without a problem, and will - thanks to the Steyr LG-100 and a tasty silencer - arrive with pinpoint accuracy and without a noise.

Choices.. shoot birds, or smash eggs.... They're not endangered... and the Eggs aren't protected.

You can call me Evil all you like... The bare reality is that if I end up with baby bloody seagulls waking me at 4am every day, I'll become Satan himself.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:43, 33 replies)

Just wait
For the adult birds to be on the edge of the planter, then shoot them so they fall down.
Seagulls often come back to a nest again and again, so you might as well take pre-emptive action.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:50, closed)

Seagull Island
is the nick-name for part of Aberdeen (Torry) where I used to live. Seagulls are a big feature of the Torry lifestyle: if they're not waking you up at five in the morning, they're going through your bins, attacking your pets or shitting all over your car.

Kill them. Kill them now.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:53, closed)

WWJD
I reckon the main driver here is not avoidance of potential noise - after all you cant kill or even stop everything that will make noise; I suspect the real driver is that you want to shoot something with the Steyr LG-100!

In times of indecision, Humpty dear friend, simply ask yourself 'What would Jesus do if he had an awesome Steyr LG-100 with a silencer and two 'sitting ducks' (seagulls) that would never be missed and a half plausible reason to shoot them?'
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:02, closed)

^^ That
Is an excellent way of putting it.
Shoot the fuckers.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:04, closed)

how
could you??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:09, closed)

^^ Easily.
Just load, aim and fire.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:09, closed)

Fair question RS
Main thing is to get your breathing right - relax, breath out. Squeeze, dont pull. And lead them a little if they are flying.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:10, closed)

Me?
I'd shoot the gulls and the eggs.

Can't be too careful...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:15, closed)

I would definitely say.....

Shoot the fuckers, they're vermin with wings.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:19, closed)

Having just googled your weapon of choice...
I'd get something bigger to make sure you do the job properly. Do the birds and the eggs.

Take no prisoners. Just imagine your the Predator from the original film and they're the overweight bloke from the early Rocky Films. No mercy.
(TheManofScience, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:21, closed)

True marine dwelling seagulls
are beautiful, elegant birds, efficient hunters of fish and are fabulous to watch on the wing.

Urban seagulls on the other hand, are little more than flying rats.

Shoot the buggers.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:22, closed)

Shoot them all.
Shoot them all hard.

Do the eggs first, and then the gulls. Perhaps you could put one of the gulls' heads up on a spike, to show other gulls what fate awaits them should they trespass on your territory.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:27, closed)

Ssssssolution?
With a name like Humpty I'd have thought you'd have a more respectful attitude to shelled proteins. However I think I'd probably get a large venomous snake, put it in the nest with the eggs so it had something to snack on until the mummy and daddy seagull return. Then if the snake doesn't kill them, they certainly won't be coming back in a hurry.

Also if some animal-lover comes round asking why there are a couple of dead birds outside your front door, then you can simply shrug and blame the circle of life.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:33, closed)

I can attest
to Torry's seagulls being bloody awful, having lost my breakfast sandwich to the thieving fuckers not 90 minutes ago.

Shoot them all. Then pluck and roast the corpses and make a revenge-sandwich.

Just don't get seen, or you'll have the antiterrorist police kicking the door down!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:37, closed)

Just remember
Headshots only: the feathers, being waterproof, make quite a tough armour. Hollowpoint up the snotter, much more effective.

The eggs'll get scoffed by another flapping hoover pretty sharpish.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:15, closed)

you're all
horrid and beastly!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:23, closed)

Be careful
You'll have to be careful. Herring gulls are protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. So do it at night.
(RobNob, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:27, closed)

Kill them all, come back alone.
Unless the gun was an unwanted gift, I imagine you have been looking for an excuse to use it since you bought it.

If you did the good thing and report it to the authorities / hire a pest controller all that will happen is someone will come round with an air rifle and shoot them.

Cut out the middle man + have some fun :)
(Mookystink is living on stolen toast, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

@Osok and RobNob
Hollows on feathers is a poor choice.. Always go pointy. Fur however.. Rabbits love a hollow.

Wildlife act.. I live in Sweden. We have Moose: We don't care about Seagulls.

The problem with nailing the gulls themselves is that this roof is overlooked by MANY flats in rather close proximity. I may start a vendetta and build a basic pea-shooter rifle first.

The LG100 has claimed many bunnies... but not as many as my good old Falcon. This isn't about excuses.. it's about using the right tool for the right job.

Oh... and silencing the noisy buggers.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

@RachelSwipe
Beastly? ... No, That's the animals.

If you want to have the Seagulls I'll trap them and send them over. They make ideal house-pets and aren't at all noisy.

"Beastly" would be clubbing them to death or making them listen to Jade Goody. I'm advocating swift, painless and satisfyingly accurate deaths.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:49, closed)

@Everyone.
Marvellous advice and loving the replies...

I'm just a bit troubled as to how to get rid of the seagulls if I shoot them... I can't access the rooftop.

"Eggs-only" might be the only way... Aside from shooting them, I can probably devise a method of dropping a shiny glittery thing into the planter thus attracting a large quantity of Magpies... Let nature do it's job Etc...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:53, closed)

Hollows for heads, Pointy for breasts
Ooh I said breasts, that'll get 'em going.

To be fair, if I was shooting upwards, I'd be using points but if it's a surgical sniper type op you've got planned and you're above them...

If you want overkill, google 'Hushpower'. Lovely.

Supposed to taste all right if marinaded.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

Righto
Oh I see. Still you could get a starlight scope and pretend to be Special Forces or something. Or am i just tragically sad?
(RobNob, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

you ARE
satan himself, shooting fluffy little chicks...

horrified!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:37, closed)

Hushpower: overpriced and not effective enough
I machine my own (just like the sex toys).. ;o)

RachelSwipe... really... I'd expect you to read more closely.

Fluffy little chicks?
Who said *anything* about that?

Eggs and Adults only.. No chicks.

A Hollowpoint administered cleanly to the Egg is much like "The morning-after pill": Stopping unwanted noisy things before they happen. (Except my option is a bit more splashy)

:)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:55, closed)

but eggs
turn into fluffy chicks!

not that i'm "pro-life" or anything, it is difficult to be tongue in cheek (in the absence of anywhere more interesting to put it) in writing...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

Eggs
.. They also turn into my breakfast.

Has anyone had a seagull Omlette? I can fit a fairground grab-claw to a fishing rod... I just want to know if it's worth the trouble..
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)

Eggses
Used to be staple of the crofter's diet. Not sure what they taste like, but anything you have to climb a cliff-face to get, with the chance of falling to your messy death must mean they're either nice or you're facing death from starvation.

Plover's eggs used to be very popular.

(And a Hushpower .410 is quite a useful bit of tackle for subtle flappy-thing removal chores or stealthy wabbit wemoval.)

(Or poaching, as it's otherwise known)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:19, closed)

Possible Urban Myth...
but I've often been told that if you soak bread in... a certain substance and chuck it for seagulls to catch and eat, there is a violent reaction with the seagull's digestive juices and they explode in a cloud of mince and feathers.

(Thinks: seagull mince, YUM!)

I have never seen this work.

EDIT: The substance I was thinking of is bicarb of soda, but a bit of quick research (Google) reveals this to be an urban myth... also the similar claims for aspirin, Alka-Seltzer, Panadol etc.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

Right heres what you do
kill the fuckers

all of them

make it like 300!

and post pics on here for your fellow b3tans!

simple :D
(Kuja335, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 21:16, closed)

@punchmyface
sure. THOSE are urban myth...

But feeding pigeons potassium or Sodium wrapped in bread pellets is a fantastic way to spend an afternoon....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 29 Apr 2008, 6:36, closed)

@Kuja
I think you may be missing the point.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 29 Apr 2008, 6:37, closed)

I have now fixed the problem.
.. I have nailed a Magpie to the exterior wall of the flat.

It's distress calls seem to have un-nerved the seagulls, and they're not hanging around any more.

Success!! And without hurting a single seagull!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)