Oh this was years ago! but i always remember it!
In the summer when I was rather little, I spent the day at a boy called Ben's house (hi if your out there)His mum thought it would be nice to walk in the countryside and feed the ducks. So we did, fun it was until this massive peach coloured (i remember to this day) duck that was so big it may have been a goose attacked me and bit my thumb which bled a little.
Got back to Bens where I got a funky plaster, had a water fight then watched super ted videos till mum picked me up.

A couple of years ago I was talking about it and I noticed I have a scar from it!

More later
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Dogs and sheep...
Recently I got shat on from about 40,000 ft by a pigeon with diahorrea whilst in the beer garden of a pub in Chelsea. When I was 15 I got chased for about a mile by a randy sheep. And when I was a nipper I got bitten by my aunts dog so hard that it removed a large chunk form my thigh. My dad kicked the yappy fucker into next week.

Yay! 1st time 1st page!
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
We were responding to a distress call and homed in on its beacon, Kane who went out there, came back and there was something.. attached on his face.. We tried removing it, but it wouldn't.

Later it seem to get off by itself and die. Kane seemed fine. We were all having dinner, and .. it .. it must have laid something inside Kane's throat cause.. ehh.. cause...
(Sir Ian Blair, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:55, Reply)

i get hayfever from horses and cats...
... does that count?
( bierbelly, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:55, Reply)

peacocks & random animals
as a child, i was always dragged to animal farms, where the BIGGEST and ANGRIEST peacock or pig used to always chase me! the peacock once pecked me with its beak and left a huge scar(about 5 inches) on the side of my head!!

i now hate all places with animal in their name lol.
(desertfox, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:54, Reply)

Bloody Fench Cat
On holiday in France when I was 17. We were camping in the Chamonix area at a camp site out of town, and the short cut back to the shops/bars was thro' a wooded nature reserve area.

Me and my 2 mates were bimbling thro when we happened to witness some other teenage tourists, probably French, walking away from the base of a large tree laughing heartily. It would seem they had chased a large tom cat up the tree.

Being an animal lover (!) I decided to shimmy up the tree and rescue the "nice wee kitty" (read 2 stone bundle of severely antagonised fur and razor blades). Basically, it didnt know I was there to help and dropped on to me from a great height, giving me HUGE, MULTIPLE, BLEEDING claw marks down my back and side. Then buggered off into the undergrowth

Felt misserable and sore, French Docs thought it was funny and told me to put savlon on it. I get home 2 weeks later and speak to my Doc who has me rushed to hospital for Rabies injections, which then lasted 6 months! And they were sore!

But it turned out to be a great conversational gambit at parties, and impressed the ladies!!

Edit: they were 17 year old "ladies" so easily impressed
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:51, Reply)

Loft infestation
A couple of years ago I started hearing scraping noises at night in my loft. Decided to ignore it to see if it would go away. Fast forward a fortnight, and there’s an almighty bang from the loft, and the upstairs lights go out. I ventured into the loft, to be confronted with a barbecued squirrel, with its teeth sunk into one of the electrical wires for the upstairs lights. That taught the little shit…

It was at this point I noticed the huuuuge pile of shredded up loft insulation in the corner of the loft, and a pair of beady squirrelly eyes peering at me from under the pile, growling softly, obviously seriously pissed at its partner’s electrocution. I decided to make myself scarce at this point, and disappeared down to Wilko to get some squirrel repellent.

Armed with the newly-acquired squirrel repellent and an ultrasonic animal scarer, I sprayed the repellent liberally over the nest, and mounted the ultrasonic thingy in the loft, hoping it would make it go away. I went back down into my bedroom, and it sounds like all hell is breaking loose in the loft. The squirrel is obviously going apeshit about the stuff I’ve put over its nest, making all sorts of screeching and growling noises. Stupidly, I poke my head through the loft hatch, only to have an enraged rodent sink its teeth into the bridge of my nose (I still have the scar now).

Dripping blood and very pissed off, I declared war on the squirrel, and climbed up the outside of my house and cut a hole in the eaves of the roof, and returned to the loft with a large broom. With said broom, I proceeded to sweep the squirrel out of the hole in the roof, and watched it fall into the garden below. Feeling somewhat triumphant, I suddenly became aware of some squeaking noises from the pile of loft insulation. I pulled the insulation up, only to encounter four more of the fuckers, in miniature form this time. I decided that swift action was needed on this occasion, and clubbed them to death with a handy piece of timber that I found.

Looking back on it, I feel a little bit guilty killing those baby squirrels… They were the evil grey ones though, rather than the proper red ones.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:49, Reply)

Holiday
I was on holiday with my Grandfather on his Island in the pacific, and had a crap weekend fighting of a T-Rex and load of Velociraptors....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Why Crash Helmets have visors
A good friend and myself were out for a day of high speed hijinks on our sports bikes and as it was a beautiful sunny day, i had my visor up and a pair of sunglasses on.

While barrelling down the M3, i hit a maybug while doing a shade over 140mph. It hit me squarely in the face. For anyone who is unaware these are twin engined armour plated insects the size of a childs shoe.

According to my friend Tom, it was like watching the JFK assassination tape. Loud crack, my head snapped back and i nearly dumped the bike. Due to the (admittedly stupid) speed i was doing at the time, if i had dropped the bike i would have been lucky to get away with a slight case of death.

When i finally did pull over, my nose had swollen almost shut and i had to pick several pieces of insect carapace out of my face. Which is like digging out shrapnel covered in snot.

Insect bastards.

Apologies for length, but it gives me something to punch the holes in doughnuts with.
(Flinglish, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:46, Reply)

When I was a wee little kid
I went to the zoo with my mum. I liked the Llamas - I teased them, but they spit on my mother.
( azerty, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Pip and Bugs
I have to say Ive never been attacked by a cat, dog or hamster but the same cant be said for rabbits. Rabbits are evil lil cunts!
The first evil rabbit was bugs, probably my favorite rabbit despite when picking him up you had to hold him away from your body so he didnt kick the shit out of you.
Then Pip who was ok but would randomly run at you to attack you for no reason and one time my mate cornered him so he lept up and bit her but I thought it was funny cos I never did like her.
Ive never really had a bad experience with animals. My uncle on the other hand used to be covered in scratches from teasing the cat, but now its so used to it you can grab it by the tail probably and swing it round and it wouldnt bat an eyelid!
(purplefairy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Repost, (from "scars with history") but more relevant than the previous!
Was on work experience at our local Aquarium, which also had a large reptile section. My job was to clean the cages and feed the snakes, lizards, etc. One of the bigger cages housed 7 Indian pythons, and I'd clambered in with a bucket of dead rats and a "grab handle" type device with which to feed them. Having fed 6 of them I was just trying to locate the 7th snake from amongst the pile when the 7th snake located me. My right foot to be precise. The bastard managed to bite right through my trendy 80's deck shoe and white sock and would only stop trying to swallow my whole foot when I hit him repeatedly with the bucket.
The management paid me £20 to keep quiet about it, but bollocks to them - it was nearly 19 years ago.
Still got the scar too.
Woo.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:40, Reply)

When I was about 13
Some people up our road had 3 Scotts Terriers (I think that's what they're called - small and white anyway).

I was walking up the road minding my own business, and they came running out of the neighbours' house and surrounded me, snarling and yapping. Dog 1 came right up to my foot, so I gently kicked it away. Big mistake. Dog 2 was straight in there - he jumped at me, and grabbed a mouthful of flesh and tendon, just below my kneecap.

I shit you not, his teeth actually met, and there he was - a snarling, writhing ball of shit hanging from my knee. I was understandably going mental, running around and screaming - with dog still attached.

Eventually, after what seemed like a long time, the neighbours came running out. It took 2 of them - one to hold him still, and one to prise the little fucker's teeth apart. I then had to go to hospital for some stitches and a tetanus jab in my arse. That area of my knee is still numb after all these years.

The neighbour called me later, begging me not to call the police, which I didn't. I did let them sweat it out for a couple of days though. If I remember correctly, said dog got run over about 4 years later. Oh, boo fucking hoo.
(8-Ball, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:40, Reply)

More swans
On holiday in the South of France we went on a boat trip on a canal. The boat was tiny, and solar-powered so it didn't move too fast (top speed 5km/h). The boat rental guy told us that if we saw any swans we should "wave the oars at them and they will go away", and they might be more agressive than usual because it was nesting season.
I hate boats anyway mainly because I can't swim. So when the others suggested we should go off the main canal and 'explore' I wasn't keen, but we did it anyway. The channel got narrower and narrower and finally we decided to turn around before it became impossible. Of course we got stuck. It was then that we noticed two swans powering towards us at high speed. With the aid of an oar we unstuck the boat and tried to run away. The problem with running away when your boat goes no faster than walking speed is evident. The swans chased us all the way back to the main channel, taking it in turns to take off and charge at us. The sight of a large male swan bearing down on you, wings outstreched, is not one I hope to see again. I was given the task of waving the oar at them, which was of course utterly useless. I thought I was going to die, either pecked to death or drowned when the swans overturned the boat. All the French people gathered on the banks pointing and laughing did not make it any better.
When we got back we told the whole story to the rental man. He grinned murderously and said "Don't worry. I will kill and eat them." Which although it sounds rather brutal made me feel a lot better.
Apologies for length and detailedness but this was one of the formative experiences of my early life!
(supershinysarah, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:35, Reply)

Well I wasn't attacked, but could have been...
Whilst camping one evening in the Serengeti (or nearby in Tanzania anyway) I toddled off with the group trowel (for the digging of a "toilet hole") and a bit of bogroll to do my business in peace away from the campfire and fellow travelers. Holding a torch in my teeth and squatting there waiting to curl one down, I heard a noise in the darkness in front of me. I quickly raised my head up and the beam of light picked out about five pairs of menacing Hyena eyes not ten feet away.
I have NEVER started and finished a shit as quickly as that.
Ran back to the rest of the group with my shorts round one ankle yelling at the top of my voice.

It still turns my blood cold to think of what could have happened if I hadn't heard that noise. How undignified to be ripped to shreds with your pants down. Really.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:30, Reply)

Old Wives Tales
I'd always been told by my hard-as-nails older brother that if a dog went for your throat you should stick your hand down it's throat, grab it's tongue and twist. This was supposed to cause the dog immense pain and it's tongue would swell up and the dog would either die or break off it's attack. Now to a 13 year brought up on Bruce Lee films, this sounded like sound advice..

Move on a number of years...

Wavy lines.

~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~

In the mid eighties I was living in Manchester and had acquired a fantastic dog called Legless (which is where my nickname comes from - where he got his from is another story for another day...). Anyway, one day I was lounging around my flat reading when Legless started to go berserk. He was barking and snarling and scratching at the front door. At the time I lived in Hulme in shitty deck access flats and muggers and burglars were constant problem. Legless had never behaved like this and my first thoughts were that somebody was trying to break in next door to my mates flat. So I opened the door intending to confront the bastards. On opening the door Legless shot out in a snarling fury.

Now Legless was a big dog. A cross between an Alsatian and a Husky. Jet black, huge head and jaws and an absolute bastard for fighting other dogs. It was the one habit I could never break him of.

So Legless shot out, followed closely by me, to see 2 young(about 10 year old) black girls being towed down the outside walkways by a bloody huge monster of a Rottweiler! (I mentioned the fact that these girls were black because, in my experience, black people really didn't like or get on with dogs - but I digress.) So Legless, never having lost a dog-fight before, launched himself at this monster intending to tear this interloper paw from paw.

Good move Leggy. The girls, predictably, screamed and let go of the lead and the battle (hah!) was on. Legless bounced off the side of the Rotty, his teeth hardly making an impression, and the Rottweiler had him. It's huge head pinned Legless to the ground and it started to worry him, trying to get a grip on his throat. Now at times like this you don't think, you just act. I could see my beloved dog about to get ripped apart before my eyes so I jumped in to save him. Grabbing Legless by the scruff of the neck, I hurled him backwards, away from the Rotty and, at the same time, put my foot on the attackers chest and shoved him backwards creating space between the two dogs with me in the middle. Legless, not being absolutely suicidal, decided that discretion was the better part of valour and slunk off back towards the flat leaving me facing the Rotty. The Rotty, pissed off at being denied it's prey, decided then to have me. With a snarl and a massive leap it launched itself towards my throat.


Now this was the moment I'd been waiting all my life for. A massive dog going for my throat. Armed with the knowledge from my older brother I stepped confidently forward to meet the aggressor. As it's jaws opened I thrust my open hand straight down it's throat ready to grab it's foul tongue and twist it until it screamed for mercy.

You can see what's coming next can't you?

The bloody monster must have thought it was it's birthday. It grabbed my hand and arm with glee and crunched into it. Fuck me it hurt! As it pulled backwards, it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me down the walkway, shaking it's head and growling. Bloody bastard. I was scared and I was angry and I didn't fancy being lunch. I pulled with all my strength and managed to drag my hand free, losing a fair amount of blood and gobbets of flesh, and, still lying on the floor, spun round so my feet were facing the Rotty and did what I should have done in the first place. I kicked the bastard as hard as I could right on the end of it's nose. With steel capped boots. It let out a might yelp and and, it's nose pissing blood, turned tail and fled down the walkway.

I got shakily to my feet and looked at my ruined hand. Chunks were missing and I great score marks where I'd dragged it free and it was already started to darken but at least I was still alive and relatively intact.

Footnote.
A few weeks later I ran into these two little girls again.

"How's your dog?" I asked them kindly.

"We don't have him any more! said one. "He got sick and couldn't poo and then he died"

Ha! That'll teach him. I had hoped to give him the shits with the bits of me he'd eaten but I'd settle for constipation....

I remain,as usual
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:25, Reply)

Bastard little yappy dog/rat crossbreed
Bitten by a dog once. Is was a pointless little yappy rat-dog. It sunk it's filth fangs right into my calf. I'd have given it a right kicking there and then, except that this was in South Africa, in the country and owners of rubbish dogs like that probably carry guns.

Neither the owner (nor dog) said sorry. Cranberries.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:23, Reply)

Eels
My friend and I were fishing, I believe it is called 'poaching' in the vernacular. We were only eight years old and not expecting to catch anything. After about five minutes we caught an eel. We tried to land the bugger and once we did the fun started. To get the hook out we needed to get a grip on it, but the eels was slippery and writhing around like a child on fire. It managed to stick the hook into my hand, and then turned over to stick it in my friend's hand. It took twenty whole minutes of hitting the eel with sticks and then rocks to stop it. Eventually we retrieved the hook from the lifeless corpse. And then we threw it back in the river.
(geetoo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:23, Reply)

squashed dog
approx 1 month after I passed my driving test I was involved in a horrific animal based accident.

Driving at about 30mph down a residential street I was just about to chuck my spliff (of cannabis oil) out the window when..a medium sized scrote of a dog walked out directly in front of my car.

Now the car was one of dads pool cars and was a fairly powerful 2.0i . In my panic I pressed the fast pedal in stead of the stop pedal. As I did this I scooped the dog up onto the front grill and hurtled up the pavement towards a stationary transit van (a-team size for you sceptics).

The dog was disintegrated on impact and blood runneth down the gutter for about 100 yards. The amusing part was that there was a chap sawing wood in the back of the van. He ended up in the front seats upside down with his pipe (smoking sort) broke in half.

How we laughed, I dined on that for years.

Strictly speaking that was me attacking an animal...feel free to complain. At least I am not writing a book about it...contact me at writingafakebook.com!
(dukefukem, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:23, Reply)

Bees and Spiders
I once had an MR2 over a hot summer and took great delight driving it in shorts and shades over Snake Pass between Manchester and Sheffield. On one such trip I was singing along to the stereo and trying to look cool when I felt a tingiling sensation between my thighs. I looked down to find the biggest bumble bee I've seen nestling comfortably between the family jewels. it wasn't attacking but I didn't now that.
Cue mucho screeching of breaks, swearing and sweating, followed by a not very cool leap out of the car and flapping at groin. I still have the mental scars.
This is only slightly less embaressing than when I was driving my first car, a purple old thing, on the M62 near manchester. it had a family of giant spiders living under the seat and they'd regularly make expeditions across my legs and feet. Hint: do NOT take a new girlfriend for a drive in a spider infested car.
(DustyD, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:22, Reply)

Seagulls
A mate of mine was chased around a field by a seagull that swooped for him and tried to grab his hair. It was highly entertaining to get stoned and send him out to run around the field with the devil bird squalking and swooping at him.

In a seperate incident, I had one purposely shit on me after I tried to mimic its cackling call. Bastard.
(Grobie, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:21, Reply)

On cold winters night
I rescued a rather large albino rabbit. The poor little bugger had frost on his ears but he was otherwise okay, he must of been right because the first thing the little shit did was piss all over me.

Any who, there were three houses in hopping distance of this rabbit and everyone played dumb when we tried to find its home, and we eventually found out why.

The cunt was evil.

It would escape any run or hutch, and the garden but it would always come back. It would get out of its run and stare at us through the lounge window for hours on end, it would find its way into the house and make hit and run attacks on any bare flesh in range, it would spring from nowhere and attack my mother and it would periodically rape the shit out of our German Sheppard dog.

Fortunately, one day it tried to molest my sister. She tripped over and crushed the fucker.
( nnnndave, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:20, Reply)

Geese
I was at the park once (when I was about 4) and mum had given me some bread to feed the ducks, and all of a sudden this goose was running towards me, nicked the bread, and then pecked my hand. It didn't really hurt, but it gave me a right shock.

That, and I've been attacked by the cat many, many times before.
(Buccaneer, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:20, Reply)

I used to be a roleplayer
Yes, one of those cnuts who dress up in armor and run about hitting each other with fake swords.

Once upon a time, our 'party' of warriors, ubermage and assorted others boldly entered the forbidden fortress of Tremos, to confront the evil lichlord that had inhabited it.

Unfortunately our brave party were vanquished at the gates by a gaggle of geese who saw fit to guard our imaginary entrance by the lake.

They kicked our asses, we ran away.
We made up a new entrance to the fortress about half a mile away where there weren't any killer geese.
(NoMoreFaith can believe its not bloody butter, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:18, Reply)

gayness
my brother has lesbian rabbits who hump each other when they get out of the hutch ... i'm single at the moment so seeing gay rabbit sex just reminds me of how much i miss my girlfriend - does this count as a psychological attack?
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:56, Reply)

hi
we work for a lazy twat at the new york times who can't be arsed doing his own research ... if you have ever been attacked by an interesting animal, he'd like to hear about it so he can write a` book and make as much money as that bloke who did the stuff about miscellaneous lists, guaranteeing a future of wealth and invites to entertaining vermont dinner parties ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:54, Reply)

Popcorn
my brothers hamster. I was feeding it, went to stroke it and it turned around and sunk its teeth into my finger. I had to shake my finger to make it let go.

Normally it was a nice hamster - must've been that time of the month.
(insert username here, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:50, Reply)

Vet
when I went to the vets to get my cats teeth sorthed out I noticed her hands were covered in deep scars, scrathes and bite marks.

I thinbk she gets attacked every day
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:50, Reply)

grrrr
i got nothin
(acharps, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:42, Reply)

Yarr
First!

Edit: And in answer to the question, a Swan - never ever go near them. They might all belong to the Her Maj the Queen but when you are about 8 years old they are about the right height to batter you round the head with their beaks. Not pleasant. Bastard bit my ear too.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 9:42, Reply)