It strikes me that there are an awful lot of annoying partners and exes.

And most of them have posted here this week.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 9:07, 4 replies)

My gf's making me give up smoking. Again!
She also has stomach ulcers which means we don't spend the whole weekend getting hammered.

So, to recap, both my hobbies binned, and my life is now empty, apart from my relationship of course. Arsehats!
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 5:34, 21 replies)

seriously?
did i miss the part where 'annoying partners' was swapped for 'sexual experiences that made me cry and i can't tell my wife/cousin/mum'?.

jesus fucking wept, SPEAK TO THESE PEOPLE. out loud. it can help.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 22:21, 12 replies)

Going out.
Everytime I tell my girlfriend to go out on her own she creates a fucking riot.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 19:10, 1 reply)

Doors
I have no idea why women cannot stand having doors shut. When I was married, my (then)wife had no idea that the funny metal bits fitted to said doors were actually for keeping the damn things closed! In my last house she wouldn't shut the kitchen door, even when the washing machine was on, rendering all attempts at reading, watching TV, listening to music etc completely pointless as the whining and chugging from the machine made it fucking impossible. Likewise with the bedroom door. Couldn't bear to have it shut BUT wouldn't have it completely open or wedged open even a little, nooooo, she had to have it open 'just a little' so even the slightest breeze would cause it to knock against the frame, thereby keeping me awake.
I put really strong door closers on all the doors so she couldn't keep them open.
Drove her (further) insane*. Since my divorce I do miss that woman. However, the new rifle and telescopic sights should cure that.

I now live in a house where all the doors are shut when I goddam think they should be. My G/F wants them open. It ain't happening. My place, my doors.



*I firmly believe that ALL women are insane, just the level of insanity differs - slightly.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 18:49, 11 replies)

for some reason....
I don't have a lot of experience with 'Cavaliers'... most of my boyfriends have been Roundheads if you get my drift.
So I don't know if this happens a lot or what. My ex's cock used to stink (and therefore taste) of piss it was all under his foreskin etc. I tried suggesting that he wash before oral sex but he said it made him feel like he was visiting a hooker to be asked. I would therefore take a massive mouthful of squash before going down to dilute the taste. He thought I was doing it to be sexy. No, just to not boak.
He would also accept a blowy in complete and utter silence (it was pretty unnerving - I thought I was maybe doing it wrong) until the moment of impending crisis when he'd go "that's it, that's it, that's it, you've got it" EVERY SINGLE TIME THE SAME WORDING.
Oh and once after he'd blown his beans I realised he'd left a skidmark on the sofa.

Why did I ever shitcan him, what a keeper.
( Sallyrsm, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 18:47, 8 replies)

Her: "Do you like THIS?"
Me: "It's alright.."
Her: "ARGGGGGGGH, why don't you LOVE it?!?!?"
Me: "Just don't"
Her: "Do you like THIS?"
Me: "Umm, OK it's AMAZING!!!"
Her: "Now you're just taking the piss!!!"

Now, I'm not talking about when she is giving me a blowie, or letting me play with her BOOBIES, but rather when picking out a new lampshade, or some paint for the lounge, or a new type of silicon spatula that is apparently really good for cake decorating.

Sorry, I just reserve that level of enthusiasm and emotion for something important.


Like football.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 18:35, 1 reply)

Men!
Try making sexual remarks to your partner's parents or siblings. I'm single, and I don't see why anyone else should have someone.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 18:10, 2 replies)

I would say that everybody else's problems
pale into insignificance compared to this guy:

www.mil-millington.com/
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 18:08, 5 replies)

We don't have arguments at home. This is because if Mr Quar feels that there's the slightest chance of my getting the upper hand in a discussion, he grabs the nearst phone or TV remote and tasers me with it.
On the other hand, the former Mr Quar used to love arguing and liked nothing better than to waste an evening heatedly discussing whatever rubbish had blown into his largely empty head. It was like living with my very own bar-room bore.

Give me the taser any day.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 17:55, Reply)

Crap sex
When we started out, she was pretty much up for anything that involved us being naked together. And not just for the first couple of months, but the first few years.

Now her idea of foreplay is to lie as still as possible in near pitch darkness while I do everything, then wonder out loud why I'm not hard while she's dripping. And attempting to broach the subject leads to arguments, as "asking makes her feel like a prostitute".

Apart from that, I'm genuinely happily married.
(leprof, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 14:25, 40 replies)

So anyway, monogamy is a social construct
Men are biologically programmed to impregnate as many females as possible, and to leave pretty well immediately afterwards.

Womer need help raising the young, and as such have developed various ways of ensnaring men, emotionally, legally, financially/socially.

Thus the battle of the sexes.

Thus the "you don't understand".

Thus the "women, eh?".

Discuss.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 14:06, 9 replies)

It's true. Men don't "get" women.
But why is it a surprise, given that women spectacularly fail to "get" men?

- Every little thing is not about "us". Sometimes we look bored because we're bored generally. If we're bored specifically with the relationship, you won't see us being bored because we'll be somewhere else.
- Yes, arguments are about winning or losing. Everything is. If you don't want to risk losing, don't play.
- Facts are facts, logic is logic, and emotions are emotions. We can tell the difference - why can't you?
- Yes, ego and perceived status are very important to men's sense of self-worth. Please do not undermine them and then act surprised that we get withdrawn, angry or upset.
- If we love you we'll be more than happy to be supportive and understanding for as long as it takes for you to fix the source of the problem. If you don't fix the source of the problem, or let us do it for you, we'll find it very hard not to start ignoring your grumbles because we think you just enjoy having something to complain about. Similarly, if we have a problem, we're much more likely to feel supported and understood by someone offering suggestions on how to fix the problem, rather than just endlessly exploring how we feel about it. Unless we just like having a moan, in which case, fill your boots.
- Yes, we like looking at women. Clothed or naked, it doesn't much matter, and it is no reflection on you because we just aren't thinking about you most of the time.

Feel free to add more.

And no, I'm not a sad frustrated single - my girlfriend is lovely and really does seem to "get" me, and I her. We make each other really happy. (Aw, bless, etc.)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 13:35, 22 replies)

Fruitloop

Norks

www.b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/post1311046
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 12:06, 32 replies)

Bread crumb trails.
Being with my man is like being in a constant game of hide and seek, except instead of using people he plays with anything and everything he picks up.

His worst item is tea towels. He has a habit of putting them over his shoulder and taking them around with him all day. I've become used to feeling like a little detective (which is a bit fun) and following the trail to see where it could be today. Sometimes it's on top of the wardrobe, sometimes stuck down the couch, others on the floor or mixed in with the bed covers. Occasionally he's still got it and just forgotten it's sat on him.

Now it's spreading to everything else he could possibly use meaning that we both now have to play detective. We spent an hour the other day trying to find where he put my hairbrush because he'd lost his (by putting it down somewhere). The living room, bedroom and dining room were turned upside down. We looked under the desk, down the back of the bed and even in the washing pile. It turned up a few hours later in the drinks cabinet.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 11:27, Reply)

There's a CD called
"Blixa Bargeld liest Bertolt Brecht Erotische Gedichte".

In it, Blixa Bargeld of Einstürzende Neubauten reads the erotic poems of Bertolt Brecht.

Which I think proves that Germans think 'erotic' means something other than what we think it means.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 11:01, 2 replies)

The Secret War
A war has been raging for 17 years now. It's a secret war, the war that dare not speak its name. The war that they don't talk about,EVER. Even though by their actions their foe knows only too well when hostilities have taken place.

And so it comes to pass that every time I enter the bathroom and see the toilet roll with the tail of paper hanging "against the tiles", I change it so it hangs out the way, where it will stay in the "correct" manner until such time as the enemy next visits and it will be changed back. And so on. For ever.
( VicBrown I used to be narcoleptic but i'm alrig ,, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 10:51, 9 replies)

A horrible confession...
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. The honeymoon period is well and truly over, and now I don't think there is anything about him that doesn't annoy me.

He can't wash up, talk softly, watch TV at any volume lower than 30 (15-20 is fine). Also he's pretty racist, stupid and he always thinks he knows best.

I'm by no means perfect, he's a total A-hole. I should probably do something about this.
(CallMeNumberTwo had his 'last' cigarette on, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 10:43, 13 replies)

A tenuous roasted pea. About finding out the sex of our child at an ultrasound....
I didn't want to know. She did - linen & clothes colours and all that shit.
The ultrasound person pointed out somethingy and said "It's a girl".
Afterwards the missus broke out crying. "Whaaa.?" says I.
"She's going to get cancer." says her.
(I should interject here - the missus was 2 years out from a (successful) mastectomy and we both have strong family histories of cancer.)EDIT: for me - it's where the chips may lie - I drink (a lot) & smoke very moderately (a pack a week - only while I'm drinking).
I carefully & politely pointed out that bub had just as much chance getting run over by an on-time bus as she had at getting breast cancer, all we have to do (as good parents) is make her aware of the risks.
From here - http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/post1255391
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 9 Aug 2011, 9:37, 2 replies)

Ah yes, the volume issue
Che Grimsdale has reminded me... I reckon there are some kinds of music which need to be played loud. I think it was Socrates who said, "You don't play Heavy Metal with Dobly".* But I've noticed that Mrs Moon Monkey seems to develop a headache whenever I'm in the mood for some raucous nonsense, so I'm forced to keep it down to the point where sometimes I just turn it off as a lost cause.

Conversely, when she's in the mood, she'll whack the volume up so far that the music is distorted to hell, which drives me mad. Being tone-deaf, she doesn't notice that it sounds like a dalek being buggered by a jar full of wasps.



* It may possibly have been someone else
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 9:25, 4 replies)

I'd forgotten this one
Mrs G constantly plays with the volume level when we're watching TV. She does it without noticing, up and down, up and down. Also, she'll have it too quiet to hear properly, so I'll ask her to turn it up a bit, e.g. it'll be on '12' so instead of turning it up to, say, 20, she'll whap it right up to 35, at which point I'll say "Not that loud" and she'll say "Make your mind up!", like I'm the one in the wrong!

Also, she'll fart and laugh, whereas if (when) I fart, she'll have a go at me.

And she'll have a right go if she sees me (with her supersonic peripheral vision) if I pick my teeth, then blatantly pick her own teeth.

And she licks the lid of yoghurt pots and has a go at me if I do the same!

Oh yeah, and if I want to eat custard, I have to do it on my own, in the kitchen when she's not there - as it makes her feel sick - and I have to wash it all up right away.

And now she's got the taste for beer so I have to buy a bottle for her too or she'll have a 'sip' of mine.

Yeah.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 9:08, 4 replies)

My ex-missus and I
had only one argument in the seventeen years we were together.



From November 1989 until April 2001.


Ithangyou.
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 6:44, 4 replies)

Not answering his mobile phone
My bloke went out tonight to get some milk and a ginsters from the corner shop.
Just after he left I heard a lot of car and shop alarms go off, when I looked out of the window there seemed to be a lot of people out there brandishing metal poles with their faces covered.
And there also seemed to be a lot more police around than normal.
I tried ringing him to say I needed some chocolate while he was there but he just didnt answer.
How annoying is that!
So went outside to see if I could see him but some cop fella in riot gear got a bit pissy with me and I thought it best to withdraw back into my flat.
The house opposite is on fire, as is the corner shop.
But our row of flats is ok, although there seems to be someone laid face down in the road outside.
They have the same jacket my bloke has, ha that will annoy him as he hates to be a sheeple.
But if my bloke doesnt answer his phone any time soon, sexeh time will be seriously off the cards
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 1:40, 2 replies)

The constant battle that has been raging on for centuries
her: "is it so difficult for you to put it DOWN when you finish?"

me: "is it so difficult for you to put it UP when you have finished?"

her: "but its disgusting i don't want to touch that"

me: "if its so disgusting then why to you expect me to touch it?"

I am all for men and women being treated as equals which is why such double standards annoy me so much
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 22:12, 16 replies)

Meeting The Perfect Partner (a roastpea)
I spent many years looking for the perfect woman. All through my youth and early twenties I bounced from one short term relationship to another. I met numerous really nice people - smart, beautiful, caring and so on, but I just couldn’t find ‘the perfect woman’ – and that’s what I wanted and that’s what I was going to hold out for: The perfect woman. After all, why sell yourself short?

In time I realised there was no one local who fitted my criteria so when I was in my late twenties I left my home town and my family and friends behind and covered the country looking for ‘her.’ But although I dated and romanced loads of women the ones I met were always too tall, too short, a bit podgy, too thin, wrong hair colour... etc. You know what I mean. I wasn't after second best so I moved on. I wanted to hook up with the perfect woman, and that's a fair enough desire.

In my early thirties I decided to take my quest overseas and I spent many years searching far-away places for the ‘right one’... All around Europe, through Africa, across the Americas... but again, despite meeting many great girls, I still had no luck on the ultimate partner front. Plenty of lovely people, but just not the one I was after.

However perseverance is a wonderful thing. After years and years of active searching I finally found her – The Perfect Woman. I kid you not: She was wonderful; she was faultless, she was everything I had ever dreamed of. Perfection. I was ecstatic. Finally, after all that work, all that searching, I had located the perfect woman.

And there is no doubt in my mind that we would have lived happily ever after except for one small issue: She was looking for the perfect man.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 21:12, 4 replies)

My ex cost me a lot of money.
So I got rid of her. I've been much happier ever since.

No wealthier, mind. All the money which went on her is now wasted on me.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 20:27, 1 reply)

Face it.
If you have a cock, you're wrong.


No arguments, no evidence, no reasoning, no doubt. Even when you know without a shadow of a doubt that you're ultimately indisputably correct according to all scientifically proven laws of the universe. Look at your crotch. Is that a cock? Then you're wrong.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 19:59, 17 replies)

Gabriel Cash.
Cheers,
Ray Tango
(square go, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 19:28, 1 reply)

Ray Tango.
Cheers,
Gabriel Cash
(square go, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 19:28, Reply)