Awesome awesome stories
Thumbs up and a clickie to us, every one.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 21:40, Reply)

Having a dump after six days of chronic constipation.
I nearly saw God.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 21:40, 4 replies)

Mount Doom
A few years ago, late one Autumn afternoon, I was driving West along the A27 on a mission from God job for my then-client. The weather had been foul, with rain sheeting down and even the occasional bit of hail. It wasn't a pleasant drive.

That is, it wasn't pleasant until I passed Chichester and left those interminable roundabouts behind. The road stretched out, uninterrupted, for miles ahead of me, and the rain stopped. Not gradually, gently easing off from a torrential downpour by way of a light drizzle, but suddenly. Behind me was a wall of water, and in front of me was dry air.

The clouds ahead of me were lit from behind by the setting sun, and the sun's rays broke through in a couple of places. The light from the sun scattered in strange and wonderful ways, and the shadowing turned the undersides of the clouds almost black while their tops were coloured alternately deep, dark red, and a rusty, brownish-orange. The light faded rapidly, the sky went dark, and all I could see was a cloudscape which reminded me of lava.

It looked just like I was driving into Mordor.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 21:03, 3 replies)

Going to be a doctor!
After many applications to PhDs and other jobs, dealing with absolute cnuts of academics and making back up plans that included a supermarket checkout, an email that said "Sugar, we think you're lovely, come and do this fantastic PhD for us at our wonderful institution that's close to your ageing grandparents. We'll be paying you loadsamoney and will need you to travel to California from time to time." was a deeply beautiful moment for me last week. I am so excited, I can't sleep!
(Puddle of Sugar was still wallpapering on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 20:49, 4 replies)

Scan Day
Last week, I had a scan. What with the crippling morning sickness, the demanding job, and the unprecedented tiredness (I never even knew that was a side effect of pregnancy!) I'd barely had time to think about it. It was at 3pm and I'd been told to turn up with a full bladder. So I duly drank three pints of water at 2pm.

Unfortunately thanks to the shiteness of my local NHS hospital (and yes..I appreciate some hospitals are great but trust me, this one is shite), I was sent to the wrong ward. Three times. I turned up 45 minutes late to the right place, absolutely desperate to pee. The lady called me in. HURRAH! I am thinking. In 10 mins I'll be scanned and peeing.

Oh no. Turns out the lady called me in to write my name on a bit of paper, give it to me, and tell me to go to another ward. Which is a five minute walk away. At this point I am in pain from all the water and snarling at my husband, the first time in our nine year relationship I have ever snarled at him. He looks a bit hurt. The day is not going well. I decide to have a little pee, just enough to take the pain off. I get to the loo and it's out of order. I nearly cried :( I was convinced I was going to explode, and made a secret shameful pact to pee myself with as much dignity as I could muster if it became too much to bear. After another half hour of waiting I eventually get called. It's now 4.15 and I waddle into the room.

The ultrasonographer then tells me I am having an internal scan (shudder) and I never needed to have a full bladder in the first place. Anger takes over and I demand to pee. She shows me to the loo, it's filthy, it's really bloody filthy, I've been to multi storey car parks with cleaner sanitation. Amidst the smell of stale urine and my own sense of shame I did the BEST PEE OF MY GOD DAMN LIFE. We're talking top three here, and I'm 27 - I have a history of excellent pees. And then went back in to be scanned.

What with everything, I'd quite forgotten the point of actually going to the hospital. I saw, on the screen, a tiny little dot. 'That's your baby', said the ultrasonographer. 'And that's it's little heartbeat'. It was fuzzy, it was tiny, but it was there. My husband and I had a quiet tear.

Our little baby :)
(Northern Lovely, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 20:48, 2 replies)

Cum on feel the noize
I was driving to work early one morning last week. The sky was clear, the sun was just above the horizon, and the air was crisp and fresh.

As I was trundling North on the M23 past Gatwick, a Virgin 747 on final approach passed directly over my car. The timing couldn't have been better had I planned it. I saw it coming and lowered the windows so I could bask in the deafening roar from all four of its engines.

It put a huge smile on my face for the rest of my journey.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 20:23, Reply)

Last week I went to the UK on business and had a couple days to myself so went to London.
Wandering around some of the stores, I found a ring that I thought my girlfriend would just love....it's made of silver and is a dragon shaped head, with a ruby for the eye - she likes that quirky stuff.
So I went ahead and bought it thinking she'd love it.

On the plane on the way home, I got to thinking just how much I love her, we've been together 5 years and I realized she's the one I wanted to spend my life with and have children with.

I got home Wednesday, and took her and both our moms out for dinner to regale them with tales of my first trip out of the US. When the waiter brought out dessert, I fumbled for the ring and with tears in my eyes got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. It was a beautiful moment for me and even more so for her. All four of us were in tears and our parents couldn't be happier.

I woke up with her this morning tangled in the bedsheets, and I can't wait for the rest of my life.
(nolongernuts, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 19:19, 6 replies)

Waking up a few moments before my other half
and getting up to make breakfast so we can have it in bed together. The look on his face is worth the coldness of the kitchen floor on my bare feet!
( cakelady, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 18:36, 3 replies)

Glastonbury Tor - New Years Eve - 2000
Myself and Mrs Zombie had decided not to do anything for New Years eve on the Millenium as we were feeling a bit jaded (If I remember correctly) so sat in Watching the Big Breakfast special - but both got the feeling that we should be doing something better - so on a whim and with only an few hours to go until midnight, we hopped in the car and took off, deciding where to go and what to do en route and ended up at Glastonbury. Climbed to the Tor and watched in awe as fireworks lit up the entire vally, for miles around, in every direction.

Never seen anything like it since - beautiful, breathtaking and outstanding...
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 17:01, 1 reply)

My friends
Have almost certainly stopped me from doing something very silly when i've been at the shit end of depression.

I love them all.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 15:23, Reply)

My first kill.
Outside of insects, I have never directly killed an animal, I certainly woulden't do it for pleasure, any one whi takes pleasure in ending a life, no matter how small, is an arsehole.

Having just passed my driving test last month, it was inevitable I was going to kill somthing eventualy, cars and dangerous and animals don't understand the green cross code. Driving to work, I have some white van man far to close behind me, despite the P plates, clearly wanting to be going faster then the law would allow. Sticking to the speed limit I kept going, the road split into two lanes not far ahead, so he can overtake there.

On the road ahead sits a pheasent, apparently not the brightest bird as he stood unaware of my car, when really, he should be moving. I look in my mirror, I can't slow down or I'll have a van hit me, so my hand is forced, it's all down to the bird to get out of this one. Only, he apparently has had enough of life, and stays stood there.

Looking at his position, I realise he's between the wheels, he might just be ok! Feeling the thud of car hitting bird tells me outherwise, cringing, I look in the mirror, and see the pheasentn stood in the exact same spot, minus it's head, which I have apparently knocked off. The body twitches awkwardly, wing goes up, only to catch the front of the van, onto which the bird splatters, making rather a mess of itself.

Sorry about the length, but it did just lose it's head!
(Mong goose, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 13:43, 18 replies)

About 10 years ago it snowed pretty hard,
I lived in Kent at the time and worked in Surrey, so being that i had to be in work at 6am for the job i was doing at the time i had to go down the M25 in about 6 inches of snow at 5am ish.

At that time of day there was no-one around so being on a nice straigh bit of road in my (at that time Ford Sierra), i thought i would open it up a bit. Looking at the road ahead it was pristine white snow and from my rear view mirror all i could see was a massive plume of snow flying up in the air. It must have looked awesome for anyone who could have seen it.

Then i noticed the car start to shift to the right a little and realised i have lost all traction and was now at the mercy of phyisics. Thankfully bu the time i had stopped spinning, i had managed to guide the car to only hit the crash barrier on the hard shoulder. So smashed the crap out of the front of the car, soild my pants and looked a twat. But for a short time, it was beautiful...
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sat 7 Aug 2010, 13:05, 4 replies)

Friendship
I am sure I could think up other examples, but this one springs to mind.

A, small, back story. I was in Edinburgh at Uni, Ross was in Birmingham (at Uni) and Euan was at his parents in High Wycombe. It was February. Euan birthday was coming up, and Ross and I were arranging a visit.

It all started, really, when I had hung up, having booked my tickets to Birmingham (train to there and a lift to High Wycombe), the phone to Ross, telling him the times and dates. Then it hit me, "why not lie and say I can't make it". So I called Ross back and told him of my plan and that I would double check with Euan's mum. Several calls late, and it was all set. Euan was informed that, due to a heavy workload, I would be unable to attend the weekend in question.

I made my way to Birmingham, Ross and I set off to High Wycombe.

We were both excited, really looking forward to the weekend. Euan called Ross en route, to double check times, I kept quiet. Then my phone rings, "shit, Euan's calling", Ross and I panic a little. I thought we were busted. Nope he had dialled me by mistake. He sounds down, asked if I was sure I couldn't make it, I lied some more (if I wasn't on my way, I would have felt like a right shit).

Ross had said that he might be giving his mate a lift, so when we pulled into Euan's parents driveway, the "extra" person in the car was accounted for. Euan, his mum and little sis, came out to greet us. As I got out of the car, Euan took a few moments to work out it was really me. He smiled a big fat smile and his face lit up. He turned to his Mum and sis and said I was there. They said they knew, he went inside and told his dad, he said he knew (I think everyone in the family knew except Euan).

I will always remember his reaction. I am smiling now thinking back. To make someone’s day, to bring a smile to their face like that. It is a wonderful feeling.
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 12:08, Reply)

We once saw
in Basingstoke, a large and perfectly vertical dog turd in the middle of the pedestrianised area. Not even the slightest lean; it was like a brown fissured Saturn V rocket waiting for blast-off.
(rogerzilla, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 11:56, 3 replies)

Earlier this week
While on an enforced go slow, trying to upload material to a website at the same point that the network was having one of its seemingly hourly palpitations, I was having a "what if" moment, wondering what would have happened if I had kept with a Features Editor job at a Hifi magazine I had in 2009. It was part time and as such I had left it when full time work had come up. This had come to nothing, I was let go at the end of June and subsequently I took the current job, a six month stint maintaining a company website (or trying to in the face of constant network and provider disruption). I still freelance for the magazine but that part time role I walked out of weighed heavy.

With a timing that even Hollywood have abandoned as a bit contrived, it was my recent beautiful moment that the Editor of said magazine phoned me to float the possibility of a full time writer position literally as I was thinking this. It isn't a done deal but I'm going down there in two weeks to talk it over with them and slightest thought that it might happen was a hell of a lift at that point. Still is to be honest.

Length? Permanent trumps contract every time.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Not beautiful per se, but truely awe inspiring (and a little bit scary).
In my spare time, I like to play rugby. For those who are interested, I play blind side flanker.

Near the end of last season, I was warming the bench for my side when the following event happened:

The ball came the back of the ruck, and our scrum half passed to our tighthead prop, who shall be called S. S then proceeded to do what's known as a chip and chase. Now S is a big lad, must weigh in around 23-24 stone, but is surprisingly quick.

Unfortunately for the opposition fly-half, S wasn't quite quick enough to catch his own kick, but was quick enough to arrive about half a second after the fly-half caught it.

The brief look of sheer terror on his face as an absolute man mountain bore down on him was a sight to behold.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 7 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Jonsi
A few weeks ago watching Jonsi perform at Latitude Festival... I think he makes incredibly beautiful music with Sigur Ros, and on his recent solo album.
I was completely blown away by his performance, and I've never been in a crowd so hypnotised. There was such a weirdly tense feeling like everyone was holding their breath... and when he finished the crowd absolutely erupted in applause- I feel I'm understating it by describing it as awesome, but it was the most beautiful and intense music performance I've ever seen.
( awayfromthenumbers, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 10:53, 1 reply)

My mum had a severe stroke late last week. She smiled at me today.
(XmanX captain upsetter hahahahaha, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 9:57, 2 replies)

Sunrises do seem to be cropping up a lot on here..
so I'll contribute my own



St.Mary's Island taken from the headland just north of it. Took about 5 attempts to get this, each one by public transport leaving my house at 4.30am just on the chance it may have been good, thwarted by the sunrise being crap every time until this. I may not be full of win,but it certainly is.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 7 Aug 2010, 9:22, 7 replies)

I, and indeed Mrs.TP, do like......
the Cocteau Twins. For the uninitiated they were a trio (with various other regular contibutors) active for about 20 years plus producing beatiful, ethereal, swirly sound sculptures, for want of a better phrase. That's not to say they just churn out an amorphous wall of racket, everything they do is absolutely recognizable as a tune, they just don't fit into any recognizable pigeonhole. Anyway, cleverer people than me have tried to describe them on many occasions, but I suppose they are the Marmite of the music world, you either get it and love them, or you don't. When me and Mrs TP got hitched we had "Those eyes, that mouth" ( it has the line " Now we agree, now we are we" in it, which seemed to be appropriate) as our "back down the aisle once it was all over" tune, and she had a tattoo of the notation done, that's how much we like 'em. Anyhooses, you get the idea.

In 1993 or thereabouts they appeared on Later with Jools Holland, obviously I was looking forward to this all week. Whenever you're due to hear or see a band it's difficult not to hope that they do what you like and basically cobble together a set list tailored round what you want, which I would have done, but bands have obligations, they do what makes good commercial sense, namely stuff from new albums and the like, maybe the occasional oldie but it will often be largely promotional.

Come the time we settle in front of the telly and wait. Just before they come on I say to my flatmates "I hope they play Carolyn's Fingers", a definite oldie by that point, and just as I finish saying it they did. Not a new single, not a new title track, but something over 5 years old, and it felt utterly personal, they did it for me. Those who like the Twins will understand, it is utterly beautiful music anyway, but for me to get the song I asked for at such short notice before the days of interactive telly and the immediacy of the internet - today if you want something you download it, and 1 minute later you've got it - was possibly one of the most perfectly timed things I have ever experienced.

If the Badger of Lurve is reading, yes, I like a band. Yes they played a song I like. And yes the question said recently rather than Donkey's years ago. That is pretty much it. But you had to have been there, and indeed may have even had to have been me.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 7 Aug 2010, 9:02, 2 replies)

Baby Bunny
After the trials and tribulations that occurred at this years Glastonbury, I had wholly forgot about the painful journey on the Wednesday morning at about 11am.

Our chartered coach set off from Birmingham at 5am with many of my chums drinking like it had gone out of fashion. None more so than my trusted best mate of 22 years, Joseph. he doesn't mind drinking but he wouldn't put it down as a favorite past-time (I don't understand how is my best mate due to this, but I digress).

The group noticed Josephs erratic behavior at Michael Wood services near Bristol having consumed a fair few cans of Super Tennants as he began smoking (Never has before...) and stealing random items from the services. The rest of the coach (myself not included) were all well on their well to inebriation so rather than put Joseph straight, he was allowed to continue, perhaps I should have nipped his behavior in the bud.

Fast forward a couple of hours....



and then



It had reached the point where the majority of the coach now were all totally snooker loopyed off boxes of wine and gallons of cider alike. The traffic down the country lanes was one moment gridlock for an hour, then a gap in the traffic for 2 miles, then back to gridlock. I nipped for a quick wazz and when I got back, someone was missing. Joseph. His mobile left on the coach.

There had been a huge gap in the traffic and that left us with a mate who had been drinking super tennants from the off, wandering around the Somerset countryside. I jumped off the coach and ran for literally miles, I was the modern Pheidippides.

Eventually after 2 hours of jogging (with cigarette breaks, naturally), I saw him in the distance! Hurrah! I caught up with him, he had been walking the wrong way - Attempting to walk from Somerset to Birmingham, you have to admire his ambition. His first words were actually "Where have you been?", Arsehole. This brings me onto my beautiful moment.

Once I convinced him to change his mind and walk back towards Glastonbury festival which, on checked once home, turned out to be 7 miles from where I found Joseph; we made a move. Up ahead, with one side of the traffic gridlocked, the other was empty and what laid just on the verge was what I believed was a small, dead Rabbit. On closer inspection it was clearly a paralyzed, baby rabbit. It didn't look to be in any pain, it looked to be dying though and in need of peace.

I made the decision to pick the baby rabbit and put it somewhere peaceful, I'm sorry to those who believe I shouldn't have done this or say I should have broke its neck. I'm not trained or haven't a clue how to deal with a dying rabbit, whether it had been knocked down etc - please let me off if I did anything wrong. I couldn't just leave him to die where he was.

Myself and Joseph walked into some woodland, throughout I had been stroking the rabbits head and just reassuring him that everything was ok and that he'd be safe. I made a space in the ground for the rabbit and then covered his whole body except for his head, and said goodbye to him.

I hope you are in a better place baby rabbit.

We then left the woodland continued the long walk back to the coach, we didn't know if it was at Glastonbury, or still in the queue or what. We did find it though in the end (Photo taken from the back of the coach):



Everyone lived happily every after. Except I caught a wild chest infection and spent most of the festival in a tent. Beautiful moments though, ey.



P.s. Just to beat Amorous: "So your story was that your made got pissed and you buried a rabbit?"
(PassTheKhat, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 4:36, 3 replies)

That bit where Del Boy holds his wee newborn son at the window
and speaks to his mum.

Always gets me right here, that does.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 4:13, 1 reply)

One of the worst things
about having an ex is the memories of good times.

Twelve years ago, me and the ex went on our first ever holiday together, a week in sunny blackpool. We had a whale of a time, despite being on our own for a whole week. Usually we argued like cat and dog, but that week we had only one minor spat.

Around the end of the week, we had spotted on a poster that "Summer holiday" was playing at the winter gardens, and so I asked her if she'd like to go. She was overjoyed, thinking that I'd never go to see it as I hated musicals. So we went, and got seats in the third row.

Darren Day was meant to be in it but he wasn't that night for some reason, he'd probably murdered a prostitute or some such.

Isla Fisher smiled directly at me at the end. I still have to ask her if this was accidental or actually meant she loves me.

It was ok, I suppose, as musicals go. There was a bus in it, I seem to recall. So we left, called a taxi and planned to go out for the night. As we waited on the taxi, I noticed my ex was crying. I asked what was wrong and she broke down in floods of tears. As I held on to her, I again asked what was wrong. "I don't want this week to end" she said.

Seems weird, thinking about that now.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 4:07, Reply)

One of my cats..
did a crap yesterday which curled out into the shape of a frog.. legs and everything!
(Freakmandu, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 3:15, 7 replies)

Blur doing Tender
at glastonbury 2009 on the Sunday night of the festival

what there's no real story, just that

length? only a wee one
(gherkinator, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 2:23, 1 reply)

True grit.
Im a member of an MMA gym that dabbles in pretty much any fight sport you can think of - if you can do it, we'll have a class for it.
Anyway, when I started coming I remember a guy who took private boxing lessons. He sticks out for one reason.
Im not sure what he had - but he was majorly disabled. And this guy gave it his all, he couldnt do much due to being physically handicapped, but he gave it his all.

Ive never felt pride for somebody ive never personally spoke to, but that guy put me to shame everytime I wanted to drop out halfway through a class.
Hats off to that true warrior. Puts life outside the gym into perspective to - dont let ANYTHING beat you.
(bredstkcriminal, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 2:22, Reply)

Little girl with a ball.
A few years back my brother and I took his little daughters to a car boot sale. Afterwards, while he loaded his youngest back into the car, me and the other one went for a little game of catch.
The sight of this four-year old girl marching along clutching a ball as big as herself, singing to herself...that's stuck with me ever since. Right at that moment she was so, so happy. I know she's going to have days that suck but I do wish that that happy little girl is always going to be in there somewhere.

Also, Romeos Daughter taking the stage at Nottingham Rock City. That's a band I'd been wanting to see for about 20 years and the roar that erupted from the crowd is like nothing I've seen before or since.
(Big D, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 2:00, Reply)

early morning
best time of the day ever, the time just before full light hits and its not fully dark, love walking around then cos everything is grey in color, ofc doesn't help when your in a city and your bus to work is yellow... in a bus park nonetheless.

random and odd, just like me
(sennik85 hiding from the world, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 2:00, 2 replies)

Rainbows
Four years ago I was driving back from a holiday in Wales. It was about a 350 mile trip. After several hours on the motorway, in absolute pissing rain, I joined the M62, heading East. The sun had finally made an appearance, and was directly behind me, low down.
There was a lot of spray behind every car, and as the sun shone through the spray, it made little rainbows.
It gave the effect that each car was travelling along on its own little cloud, complete with rainbow. Care Bears eat your heart out!
(Captain Coffee Break, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 1:34, Reply)

My ex Tiffany and I
Visited the UK several years ago(how I found out about this site), and had our stop in Wales. Now I know some of you will say what's beautiful in Wales? Unless you're Welsh, in which case you'll say the sheep are lurvly.

But I digest, here is what happened. It being a school type trip, we had a tight schedule to follow. We were given very little free time. I had hooked up with Tiffany and we would sneak off every chance and play fuckaroo or hide the salami or whatever. Nearing sunset, we were frolicking in the grass in this field, as you do.

As I was nearing climax, she decided to finish me off orally. The moment came when in mid-orgasm, a sheep bleated very very near to us, causing her to scream/snort a load of spunk. All Tiffany could do, while choking on a mouthful of my unborn children, was stutter b-b-bbb-bb-b.

That was my B-ewe-Tif-full moment.

I apologize for nothing.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 1:31, 1 reply)